Hey there ,

Warning: The following is controversial. Take what you want and leave the rest. But, it comes from three decades of active recovery and professional work with addiction.

I have the great benefit of knowing a lot about addiction. That’s the good news.

The bad news is…I know a lot about addiction.

I tried for years to figure out my many dependencies on my own. To manage them. To cut down on the substances and behaviors that were obviously causing problems.

The problems were much more obvious to others than to me.

That's always how it is with addiction.

The number one symptom of addiction is that we don't think we have it.

Or, at least, we don't think it's all that bad.

It was a constant bargaining with myself that this time would be different.

I lost so much behind my refusal to take some very simple suggestions.

Relationships. Health. Peace of mind. The ability to trust myself.

Every attempt to out-think or out-muscle my dependencies failed for any sustained period of time.

The solution is clear to me now. But it took me decades of trial and error to see it.

When I talk about this dynamic, most people think I only mean drugs and alcohol.

Yes, and…

The internal chemical and psychological process is the same for addictions such as codependency (people-pleasing), love addiction (crazy relationships), food (sugar), and work (obsessive busyness).

And, of course, gambling, sex, compulsive debting, and screens.

They all started as self-soothing.

Then, before we know it, they turn into self-destruction.

The Allure of “Cutting Down”

When addiction starts to squeeze us, most of us take the same path:

I’ll just cut down.

And for a short while, it seems to work.

We cut back on drinking. We limit the binge-eating. We set phone timers. We decide to call that toxic ex “only sometimes.”

We go cold turkey and white-knuckle it for periods of times.

I remember saying, “I’m not addicted, I’ve quit a hundred times.” And I wasn’t trying to be funny.

Behind the behavior is something deeper.

Addiction isn’t simply a bad habit—it’s a survival system wrapped around pain.

And pain doesn’t let go just because we’ve decided to quit or cut back on our chosen numbing agent.

That’s why “cutting down” rarely lasts. The willpower runs out. The cravings win. The shame piles on. And the cycle continues.

The Real Reason We Can’t Manage It Alone

We’re not just fighting against a substance or a behavior—we’re fighting against isolation.

Addiction is fueled by secrecy and self-reliance. And most of us are conditioned from childhood to figure it out ourselves.

Ask for help? Admit defeat? That feels unbearable.

This is why diets, for example, don’t work. We spend 90 billion per year on diets that only work for the very short term.

They are self-will and self-control programs—without support to heal the spiritual aspects of addiction.

White-knuckling through doesn’t address the disease of addiction.

And yes, it’s useful to see it as a disease. Not a moral failure.

Once we cross the line to addiction it must be seen as a debilitating condition that requires treatment.

And until we address this condition, it blocks the ability to address the underlying problem—unresolved trauma.

Eventually it just wears us down. Until we’re exhausted, ashamed, and ready to give up completely.

This is where two roads become evident: Continue the self destruction, or get some help.

The Turning Point: Surrender

Here’s the truth: most of us can’t “cut down” our way to freedom.

The folks who have been around know: there are only two paths. Let it get worse—or surrender completely.

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up on life. It means giving up the illusion of control.

It means admitting, “I can’t do this on my own,” and taking the terrifying step of reaching out.

It means letting go of the lone wolf act that kept us stuck.

Why Support Changes Everything

Addiction can’t be healed in the same silence where it grew. It needs the presence of other people.

That’s why recovery communities, therapy groups, and 12-step circles exist.

They are places where honesty is not punished but welcomed.

Where secrets lose their power.

Where “me too” becomes the antidote to shame.

In those spaces, I finally learned what I couldn’t grasp on my own: I wasn’t weak. I was wounded.

And wounds heal in connection.

One Day at a Time

Recovery doesn’t demand forever. It doesn’t ask us to picture life without our fix stretching endlessly into the future.

It just asks for today.

That’s why the most repeated phrase in recovery—though cliché—is powerful: one day at a time.

Just stopping the using or the behavior isn’t the main goal anyway. It’s not the end of the world if we relapse.

I can even be beneficial! Valuable research.

We get back on the horse, with some help and acceptance from others.

Yes, the result is that we stop completely—but only for this 24 hours.

With support.

With someone who understands.

With the courage to make recovery a lifestyle.

A Final Word

Cutting down may feel easier. It may even work for a short while. But for most of us, it’s a detour that delays the real solution.

True recovery comes through surrender, connection, and the willingness to let go of shame long enough to say, “I need help.”

There is so much freedom waiting on the other side. The only question is: is it time for you to stop—or to re-stop?

There are over 40 programs for everything from substances to work addiction to inner child healing. Here are a few.

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Glad to hear your thoughts on this.
Just hit reply and let me know—we publish a monthly roundup of your responses.

Glad to be on the recovery path with you,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now, we’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, there’s many free and low cost programs for recovery and healing. Or email me for counseling, coaching, and process groups. Here’s the link to The Deep Waters Experience 3-day trauma workshop.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!

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