Please understand me

Hey there ,

Recently, I spent a significant amount of time explaining a core truth about trauma:

That it’s not just war zones and obvious abuse,

It’s also the thousand paper cuts of unmet needs, emotional disconnection, and never being truly seen.

The person I was speaking with just didn’t get it.
They nodded politely, then offered some half-baked psychology clichés that missed the point entirely.

At first, I was pissed…then hurt.
Then I started doubting myself—questioning something I’ve spent 30 years studying, living, and helping others heal through.

With support, I landed here:
Some people are deeply committed to not understanding what they don’t want to hear.

And that’s not about me.

But the hurt and anger I felt is about me.

Because here’s the truth most of us don’t want to admit:

Being misunderstood hurts because it taps into something old.

It’s not just about this moment or this person—it’s about what happened to us.

Most of us were misunderstood long before we had words for it.
We were misread, mislabeled, or simply unseen by the people we depended on most.
And instead of challenging their view of us, we turned on ourselves.

We believed the lie: Maybe I really am too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too much. Too weird. Too needy. Too emotional.

And we adapted.

We got quieter, smaller, tougher, funnier, more agreeable, more productive—whatever earned a sliver of safety or acceptance.

And now, when we start showing up as our full selves again—when we reclaim our voice, our needs, our truth—it still hurts when people don’t get it.

Because some part of us is still that kid, just wanting someone to say,
“I see you. I get you. You make sense.”

When that doesn’t happen, we take it personally.
Even if we’re grown, even if we know better, even if we’ve done the work.

It still lands in the same old wound.

We usually respond in one of two ways:

1. We cower and hide.

2. We armor up and say, “F**k ‘em.”

But both of those are still reactions. Still about them.
And we stay stuck in a loop of performing, protecting, or proving.

There’s a third way. A deeper way.

We stop outsourcing our sense of self to other people’s understanding.
We go back to the places where we first learned to shrink.
We feel the grief that never got a voice.
And we tell ourselves the truth.

The truth is:
I was always sensitive. And that’s a gift.
I’ve always been creative. And that matters.
I’ve always felt deeply. And that’s not a flaw.

In my case, I spent decades peeling back the layers.

My father, a hard-working, Depression-era, World War II veteran, had zero framework for emotional language or creative expression.

He wasn't cruel—he just didn’t get me. He had no tools for affirmation, no way to mirror back the best parts of me.

And so I internalized the silence.
Assumed I was wrong for being who I was.
Built a personality around being acceptable instead of being real.

But there’s no villain here.
This isn’t about blame—it’s about reality.

We heal when we tell the truth about what happened, what was missing, and what we made it mean.

And then?
We begin the work of becoming our own translator.
Our own advocate.
Our own mirror.

We surround ourselves with people on the path—people who do get it.
We stop performing.
We stop seeking permission.
And slowly, something magical happens:

We either start attracting people who understand us—or we stop needing everyone to.

Either way, we’re free.

So if you’re in the middle of being misread, doubted, or dismissed—don’t twist yourself into a shape that fits their lens.

Hold your shape.

Trust your truth.

And remember: being misunderstood doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

It might mean you’re finally becoming real.

I’ve created a free 5-day course that will help you with this. Click here: Emotional Integrity 101.

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I’d love to hear from you on this topic.
Just hit reply and let me know.

Warmly,

Bob

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