"You're so selfish"

Hey there ,

A friend once said to me, “You’re so selfish.”
I replied, “Would you rather I be you-ish?”
He wasn’t amused.

Then he said, “Well, you’re self-centered.”
I said, “Where would you have me be centered—on you?”

As you can imagine, this didn’t help.

But I know where his frustration came from.

I’ve been there too—angry at someone who took care of themselves when I didn’t know how to take care of me.

What looked like “selfishness” was actually healthy self-respect and boundaries.

Like my friend, it pissed me off because I hadn’t yet learned the advanced skill of self care.

We’ve been taught that caring for ourselves is wrong—and taking care of everyone else is the greatest of all virtues.

We think we have to prove our value by what we give, how we perform, and how much we sacrifice.

But the truth is simple:

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Self-abandonment is not love

Most of us were raised in environments where we were rewarded for shrinking, pleasing, and over-giving.

If our caregivers were overwhelmed, we stayed quiet.
If they were emotionally volatile, we became caretakers.
If they didn’t meet our needs, we stopped having any.

We learned that our job was to take care of them—emotionally, mentally, or even physically. We became attuned to their moods and needs, and completely disconnected from our own.

That pattern doesn’t just vanish when we grow up.

It follows us into every relationship.

We say yes when we want to say no.
We apologize for having boundaries.
We put ourselves last, then resent others for not noticing.

We don’t realize that we’ve trained the people in our lives to expect us to abandon ourselves.

Healthy selfishness is a gift

It’s time to retrain them.

And it starts with retraining ourselves.

Contrary to what we’ve been told, healthy selfishness is not a betrayal of others.

It’s the foundation of genuine care.

When we’re centered in ourselves, we’re less reactive.
When our needs are met, we’re more generous.
When we’re grounded in our bodies, we can offer presence instead of performance.

Self-care is not checking out. It’s checking in.

Checking in with your nervous system.
With your energy.
With your truth.

The body doesn’t lie

Somatic healing taught me that my body always knew when I was abandoning myself—even when my brain tried to justify it.

Tight chest? Shallow breath? Tense jaw? These were not just “stress signals.”
They were warning signs: You are leaving yourself behind again.

In 12-step recovery, we learn to get honest.

Not just with others, but with ourselves.

There’s over 40 programs for substance use, work addiction, codependency, love, sex, food, and more.

It’s rooted in the wisdom of Dr. Carl Jung’s shadow work.

It’s a daily rhythm of truth-telling and surrender.

We stop pretending.

We stop performing.

We stop trying to save the world while quietly drowning.

We also stop enabling people we love.

Because the most loving thing I can do for you is let you face your own life.

The most loving thing I can do for me is to face mine.

You were never meant to disappear

You’ve probably been told—explicitly or subtly—that your needs are too much.

That your emotions are inconvenient.
That your desire for rest is laziness.
That taking space makes you a bad person.

Those messages came from other people’s fear and pain.
They’re not your truth.

You are not here to vanish.
You are not here to be a shell of a person.

You are allowed to be full of yourself.
That’s not arrogance—it’s aliveness.

The world doesn’t need more martyrs.
It needs more people who are deeply, radically well.

When you care for yourself, everything changes

When I finally began taking real care of myself—not just the surface stuff—everything shifted.

I stopped over explaining.
Stopped reacting to every projection.
Stopped twisting myself into someone else’s shape to be liked.

Now when someone calls me selfish, I take a breath.
They’re likely hurting. I don’t need to take it on.
Because I’ve got oxygen flowing to my soul again.

That’s what self-care looks like.
Not platitudes—but boundaries, truth, and patience for the parts of you still learning how to feel safe.

You don’t need permission to rest.
To say no.
To center yourself in your own body and life.

If you don’t, your body will eventually say no for you—through burnout, illness, or collapse.
That collapse is your soul whispering, I can’t live like this anymore.

So please remember:

You matter.
You’re allowed to show up whole.
Because that’s what the world actually needs—
A full, honest, alive you.

––

I'd love to hear how this lands for you.
Just hit reply and let me know.

Warmly,

Bob

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