Betrayed again

Hey there ,

In this edition:

• How expectations killed my relationships

• Why you keep attracting disappointment

• Somatic tools to break the cycle

• Reply with your thoughts

Most of my past relationships have not ended well.

Like most of us, I’ve started love relationships as if they’re a 60’s or 70’s song:

If You Leave Me Now, You’re My Everything, Ain’t No Sunshine, How Deep is Your Love, etc.

As the oxytocin wore off, I began to feel trapped.

And suddenly they just weren’t measuring up.

I thought, “Why can’t she just leave me alone.”

And then, “Why can’t she love me deeply.”

Love was a push-me, pull-you affair.

More than once, I was suicidal when it ended.

And even though I had created the breakup—I felt betrayed!

But the deeper truth?
That pain had roots.

It was never about “her.”
It was about old wounds.

All the moments I felt invisible as a kid. All the times I’d told myself, “If I do everything right, they’ll finally show up the way I need them to.”

She didn’t betray me.
My expectations did.

We all have unconscious ideas of how others should behave. We create inner scripts for partners, friends, even strangers.

And when they don’t follow the script?
Disappointment.

Sometimes it’s mild. Other times, it triggers deep, body-level reactions: rage, despair, anxiety, collapse.

But those big feelings aren’t always about the present.

They’re old.

That intensity is often trauma resurfacing.

When we’ve been abandoned, betrayed, or let down as children, we carry that wiring into adulthood. We develop survival strategies—over-functioning, controlling, people-pleasing—anything to prevent the hurt from repeating.

And then we unconsciously recreate it.

We choose people who ghost us.
We tolerate people who gaslight us.
We attract the very energy we fear—because it’s familiar.

A study in Frontiers in Psychology found that individuals with childhood emotional neglect were significantly more likely to experience unstable or manipulative adult relationships—like gaslighting or chronic abandonment.

Why?
Because trauma isn’t just remembered—it’s relived.

And unless we discharge that stored pain from the body, the cycle continues.

Expectations as Emotional Flashbacks

Ever notice how some disappointments feel way too big for the moment?

That’s because expectations can trigger what are called emotional flashbacks.

Unlike visual ones, emotional flashbacks don’t come with memories—they come with overwhelming feelings.

That pit in your stomach?
That tightness in your chest?
That obsessive mind loop?

It might not be about what just happened.
It might be your body remembering something old.

In those moments, the nervous system says:
“Here it is again. The same rejection. The same abandonment.”

And we react—not from our adult self—but from a younger, hurt version of ourselves.

Healing the Roots

You don’t have to live in that loop.

The solution isn’t to just “stop expecting.”

First—it’s impossible.

Second—it just suppresses more feelings.

The path forward is to heal the wound beneath the expectations.

That means:

• Noticing where you react too strongly

• Recognizing the deeper story underneath the pain

• Using somatic tools to process and release the charge

Somatic healing helps because trauma lives in the body, not just the mind.

When we allow old feelings—grief, rage, helplessness—to move through, we stop projecting them onto the present.

We stop making others responsible for the pain they didn’t cause.

And we start making different choices.

With less unspoken pressure on others…
With more self-trust…
With real peace.

Try this:

• When you feel let down, pause. Ask: What did I expect?

• Then ask: Where did I first learn to expect that?

• Where is the pain in my body?

• Give it a sound. Breathe. Feel. Write about it.

• Instead of spinning in blame, get support. Tell the truth about how it landed in your body.

You’ll be surprised how quickly things shift when you stop fighting reality and start tending to what’s underneath it.

And one more thing:

You don’t have to lower your standards.
You’re allowed to want reciprocal relationships.
But when your wants are no longer fused with old pain, you’ll spot misalignment faster—and feel less destroyed by it.

Remember:

• You’re not "too much" for having needs

• You’re not "too sensitive" for feeling hurt

• You’re just remembering what it was like to be let down before

But now you have a choice.

Let the current disappointment be a map.
Let it point to where the healing still needs to happen.

You are not your past.
You’re someone learning how to live from presence—not pain.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Just hit reply.

On the path with you,

Bob

PS. As promised, I’ve created a free course that will help you stop suppressing your emotions and reconnect with your feelings. Click here: Emotional Integrity 101.

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