Spilling the tea

Hey there ,

In this edition:

• I was addicted to gossip

• Three forms of gossip

• How gossip avoids intimacy

• Please reply with your thoughts

Years ago, I tried to do the right thing.

A much-respected friend of mine was getting engaged, and I had “concerns.”

I didn’t trust his partner. I knew some things about her. I saw red flags. I believed I had a duty to speak up.

So I did. Boldly.

Bad idea.

Not only was he not appreciative—he was furious.

He told me I was being hurtful. That my “concern” was actually gossip. He was right.

I’ve never forgotten that moment.

Because what I believed was “wisdom” was really my own unresolved relationship wounds—being acted out with arrogance.

It wasn’t concern.

It was projection.

(They’re still married, by the way.)

We love to talk about others.

We love to give our opinions.

We call it connection, but it’s usually a form of disconnection—one that’s so normalized, we don’t even question it.

Gossip is a trauma response.

It triggers the release of dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline.

Our buried wounds and hurts from the past are briefly numbed out.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes about how we learn to gossip “by agreement.”

We heard the adults around us doing it—speaking about others with judgment, sarcasm, or pity—and we absorbed it.

As kids, we don’t know better. We assume this is how humans relate. We grow up thinking that we can bond by talking about others behind their back.

But what we’re actually doing is avoiding vulnerability. Avoiding truth. Avoiding self-reflection.

Three Forms of Gossip.

Each form of gossip tells us something important about how we’ve learned to survive.

1. Talking about people who aren’t in the room.

This is the most obvious kind of gossip—and the one we excuse the most easily.

“I’m just venting.”
“I’m just concerned.”
“I’m just being honest.”

But let’s be real: if the words we’re saying about someone wouldn’t feel good if told to them, then it’s gossip.

Even positive comments—if not shared directly—are a missed opportunity for real connection.

“Joe is such a great guy.” Well, Joe would probably appreciate the love.

Because gossip, even the “nice” kind, is a form of emotional triangulation. It’s avoidance of intimacy. We’re talking around someone instead of with them. We’re staying safe.

2. Mental gossip—resentful thinking.

This one is sneakier.

It’s the running commentary in our minds: the judgments, the grudges, the imagined arguments we replay over and over.

It may never be spoken out loud. But it shapes how we see others—and how we show up in the world.

When we get stuck in these loops, we live in a kind of internal hell.

And we don’t just stay mad at them—we stay cut off from ourselves.

Because that obsessive thinking is a smokescreen. It’s covering over the pain we don’t want to feel.

Unresolved trauma is usually the root.

3. The worst gossip of all: what we say about ourselves.

Negative self-talk is gossip turned inward.

It’s the “I’m not good enough” messages.
The “I’m stupid,” “I’m an idiot,” “I’m too much,” “I’m not enough” messages.

And it’s so familiar that we think it’s truth.

But it’s not truth—it’s trauma.

Shame, learned in childhood, becomes the soundtrack of our adult lives.

That internal gossip is the most damaging kind.

Because it’s always running. And it dictates how we relate to others.

You can’t gossip about yourself all day and then suddenly show up in your relationships with full presence and self-worth.

Shame-driven self-talk can color every area of our lives.

Addiction Amps it Up

When addiction or dependency is involved—gossip multiplies.

Addiction feeds on resentment. And resentment needs a story to survive.

So we judge. We spin. We point fingers.

Not just to discharge the pain—but to avoid looking inward.

When I was deep in my own addiction, I thought my hateful intellectualizations were brilliant.

But really, I was deeply unconscious. Reactive. Scared.

The self-medicating kept me from looking at myself honestly—so I focused on everyone else.

It felt safer to dissect someone else’s flaws than to sit with my own fear or sadness.

That’s the hard truth: gossip is a tool we use to avoid the feelings we’re not ready to face.

Escaping the Gossip Vortex

But there’s a way out.

We have to address the real issue—not the story, not the scapegoat, but the wound underneath.

First, we have to look at the ways we self-medicate—through substances, codependency, resentment, work addiction, sex, love—and gossip.

And with support, we can finally face the pain we've been avoiding.

We can begin to heal the stuck trauma that fuels our resentment and gossip.

And when we do, we become more present. Less reactive. Less defensive.

We start telling the truth—not just about others, but about ourselves.

And that’s when we start to come home to ourselves.

Try this:

-Notice how you speak about others

-Notice how you blame others in your head.

-Notice how you speak and think about yourself.

-Notice the part of you that wants to stay safe by judging, gossiping, avoiding.

And then… just pause.

See if something softer wants to come forward.

See if the kid inside of you needs your attention.

See if there’s a feeling there…mad, sad, scared, shame.

Get healthy support and tell the emotional truth.

You don’t have to get it perfect.

You just have to up your honesty game.

And be willing to heal.

If you want support:

– Read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
– Journal about the three kinds of gossip in your life
– Start a recovery program
– Work with a somatic/trauma-trained therapist or go to a trauma workshop

And be willing to tell the truth—positive and negative—directly to people you care about.

Healing begins when we:

1. Stop talking about others behind their back

2. Build true intimacy by telling people you care about what you see in them.

3. Become open to feedback from trusted people in your circle.

4. And start listening to what our own heart is trying to say.

Remember:

You’re not the garbage that has been handed to you.

You can live with clarity and freedom.

You are authentic and unique.

And, you are healing.

And that changes everything.

As always, I appreciate hearing your thoughts. Just hit reply.

Stay Tuned: A body-based healing community opportunity is coming your way — the Inner Work Community. A warm and supportive gathering of people finding their most healthy and authentic life. Much more about that soon.

Warmly,

Bob

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