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`Hey there ,
In this week’s edition:
My history with blame
Conflict is a mirror
The fishbowl we can’t see
Why we attract “difficult people” and how to stop it
Jung, Jesus, Michael
I used to think the problem was always them.
If only they would change, apologize, or see things my way, everything would be fine.
But under the surface, a low hum of self-blame drove my reactions.
I was constantly oscillating between blaming others and turning it inward.
Conflict followed me everywhere. I was never at a loss for complaints about “them.”
Eventually, a series of losses and near-death experiences hit me hard enough to knock me out of that loop.
The following concepts were new to me.
And, I was offended by them.
I still am sometimes.
Even if the person really is difficult, the solution is with me.
There’s no blame of self or them.
The work is deep within me.
And, here’s the one that’s hardest to see.
And pisses me off the most:
One way or another, I’ve chosen them
“Conflict exists strictly as an opportunity to raise our consciousness.”
Our Conflicted Nature
We’re social beings.
Most of us will not be escaping to our cabin in the woods to write our manifesto.
I’ve thought about it, though.
We’re probably going to have other humans in our lives.
That means relationships will challenge us.
Most of us deal with this in one of three ways:
We try too hard to smooth everything over and be “nice.”
We fight to get the other person to see it our way.
We run at the first whiff of conflict.
These are all great ways to stay stuck.
I have considerable personal experience with it.
Those who’ve been doing healing work for a while know: adversity is often a course correction.
It’s that annoying therapist cliché, “What an opportunity for growth.”
We all know it’s true, though.
It’s showing us where something inside needs attention.
But the real question is: does this conflict call for deep inner work—or simply walking away from an unhealthy situation?
In the past, we either shut down and ran or blamed and fought.
There are other options.
Most of us try to figure this out in our heads.
Big mistake.
Our intellect is overrated.
It’s often the thing that got us into the conflict to begin with.
Fish in a Bowl
As kids, we learned to override our natural instincts to fit what all the giants demanded.
We learned to be “appropriate.”
That adaptation may have helped us survive childhood, but it set us up to live on constant alert and in our heads—disconnected from ourselves.
Conflict, depression, and anxiety are the inevitable inner revolt against that adaptation.
Our system will find some way to reject this state of affairs.
Many of us run to psychiatry to extinguish the revolt. But it’s a temporary band-aid.
Or we try to find the right partner or job that will fix it.
But the real solution is in our unconscious.
And we can’t see it until something wakes us up to reality.
We are running on 5% awareness at the very best.
Most of what we do is run by our subconscious.
We’re like fish in a bowl.
We don’t know we’re in a bowl.
We don’t know we’re in water.
We don’t even know we’re fish.
Other people are the mirrors that show us what’s actually going on inside.
The emotions that flare up around “difficult people” are rarely just about them.
They’re usually tied to old wounds we’ve tucked away.
A disowned part of us is trying to surface.
The Three Options
When faced with conflict, we have three basic options:
Go within and heal the original wound with support.
Blame ourselves.
Blame them.
Most people pick #2 or #3—and stay there for a lifetime.
Wars are fought this way.
Families fracture this way.
Psychiatric wards are filled this way.
Big Pharma makes hundreds of billions this way.
I was a master at blame and avoidance of my inner world.
It shaped my entire external world until life forced me inward.
Jung, Jesus, Michael
Jung wrote:
“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.”
If you don’t believe Jung, how about Jesus:
"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
Or Michael:
“I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change.”
All three of these guys had shadows, and BIG external conflicts.
But at least they did some inner work with intention.
If we don’t work at resolving the conflict inside us, we’ll keep recreating it outside of us.
Different faces, different jobs, different situations—same pattern.
When we take the inner work seriously, something remarkable happens.
Bonus #1: Those “difficult people” lose their power over us.
Bonus #2: They seem to show up less.
A Final Word
This is the hardest work we’ll ever do: moving past blame, and turning inward to face what’s really being activated.
And it takes support.
We have to be around non-blamers.
People who own their sh*t…their side of the street.
Conflict isn’t here to punish us.
It’s here to wake us up.
And the moment we stop blaming and start resolving the storm inside, the external world changes in ways that can feel almost magical.
Does this ring any bells for you?
Just hit reply and let me know (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).
Looking at the man in the mirror,
Bob
PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now. We’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, there are many free and low-cost programs for recovery and healing. Or email me for counseling, coaching, and process groups. Here’s the link to The Deep Waters Experience 3-day trauma workshop.
PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!
The Monthly Roundup!
The forum for your voice on healing.
I know discipline was different when I was growing up—what was once accepted is now clearly seen as harmful—and I can see how that shaped my struggles with fulfillment and motivation. Healing now means rediscovering my values and passions, a slow but hopeful process that I’m learning to welcome.
I understand what you mean—years ago I learned the difference between discipline and compliance versus true freedom and authenticity, and it’s been part of my journey ever since. Thank you for your newsletters, I know our culture carries a complicated relationship with discipline and obedience.
I relate deeply to the idea that shame is rooted in trauma—growing up, I absorbed chaos, criticism, and control, believing it was my fault and changing who I was to survive. Surrounded by strong personalities and constant judgment, I learned to stay quiet and dismiss my own worth, a pattern I’m only now beginning to unlearn.
When I found alcohol and drugs, I became a fake tough guy. Always looking for a fight—sometimes physical, sometimes intellectual. It was my way of staying one step ahead of the pain.
Your ideas about Aikido are very interesting. What you say about that sport is common among those who practice Asian martial arts, and I wish I knew more about other sports too, like soccer and Tai Chi.
Thanks for this. I have discovered that I have codependency and love issues. I didn't know that they are addictions.
Your words really resonated with me and helped me understand why I isolate and struggle to feel safe—realizing how deeply childhood experiences shape adulthood has been eye-opening. I know I can’t keep living this way, and I’m ready to heal by surrounding myself with people I can truly trust.
Hi Dr. Bob, Thanks as always and I agree. "We heal as a community".
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