"Life is War"

Hey there ,

In this week’s edition:

• I was trained to fight

• The Aikido lesson

• Jung’s Shadow

• Anger and grief as teachers

• From war to play: what real mastery looks like

I was taught to fight.

My childhood was a mix of happy times with abrupt shifts into anger and blaming.

I learned quickly that strength meant pushing back, defending myself, or bracing for the next blow.

When I found alcohol and drugs, I became a fake tough guy.

Always looking for a fight—sometimes physical, sometimes intellectual.

It was my way of staying one step ahead of the pain.

If I could argue louder or out-think you, then maybe you couldn’t see how much I was hurting inside.

But the truth was, the real fight was always within me.

The Enemy Within

Aikido masters say their practice is not about defeating an opponent—it’s about transmuting energy and becoming one with the universe.

That wisdom has changed how I see life.

For years I saw my problems as enemies to conquer.

Money, relationships, setbacks, cravings—I fought them all.

But eventually I realized: the external battles were only shadows of the inner wars I hadn’t faced.

The true enemy wasn’t out there. It was the unresolved conflicts I carried in my body from childhood.

The grief I stuffed down.

The anger I was told to silence.

The shame I thought I could out-perform.

The Shadow

Carl Jung called these hidden parts the Shadow—the aspects of ourselves that are repressed, denied, or shoved into darkness.

Shadow doesn’t mean “bad.” It simply means unseen.

And what stays unseen keeps tripping us up.

It leaks out in addictions, arguments, broken relationships, and endless self-sabotage.

The way forward isn’t to conquer the Shadow, but to bring it into the light.

Learning to Transmute

That’s what Aikido teaches: don’t fight the attack—transform it.

Shadow work is the same.

We need to bring what was hidden into safe, ritual spaces where it can be seen without judgment.

With others who are also looking inward, we learn not to suppress or destroy our pain, but to integrate it.

We stop fighting ourselves.

We start dancing with what once terrified us.

Anger and Grief Reclaimed

Take anger.

Many of us were taught it was dangerous, so we buried it.

But buried anger doesn’t disappear—it turns inward as depression or leaks outward as rage.

In healing spaces, anger can be expressed safely.

It stops being an enemy and becomes a life force. A source of boundaries. A clear “no” when we need one.

The same is true for grief.

I was told, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Maybe you heard that too.

So tears became shameful.

But when we allow grief to surface:

We find tenderness.

We touch our humanity.

We have compassion for ourselves and others.

Grief and anger are not the enemies we thought they were—they are teachers.

From War to Play

The highest mastery in Aikido is not about winning or losing.

It’s about being at play—even in the face of attack.

That’s what happens when we stop making war on ourselves.

We begin to see that the external problems are mirrors, pointing to the conflicts inside.

And as those conflicts are faced and integrated, the war within comes to a close.

Life doesn’t get easy.

But it becomes livable.

Even joyful.

A Final Word

I spent years fighting everything—people, circumstances, myself. It nearly destroyed me.

But what Aikido and shadow work both reveal is this: the real victory comes not from conquering, but from transmuting.

From turning toward what we once feared, and letting it become fuel for life.

The war ends when we get support and learn to shine light on the Shadow.

And in that moment, we don’t just survive this life—we begin to play with it.

Glad to hear your thoughts on this.
Just hit reply and let me know (we do a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Playfully,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now, we’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, there’s many free and low cost programs for recovery and healing. Or email me for counseling, coaching, and process groups. Here’s the link to The Deep Waters Experience 3-day trauma workshop.

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