Wearing Someone Else’s Skin

Hey there ,

In this week’s edition:

• My fake bravado—the cost of pretending

• Professor Jose Altuve on shame and self-image

• Why cognitive and behavioral “fixes” don’t last

• The body as the carrier of shame

• Real confidence as congruence

My Story

I always tried to appear confident.

I never wanted to look like a “wimp,” as my dad would say. So I pushed myself to project strength, even when I felt shaky inside.

I needed to have all the answers—especially when I didn’t actually have confidence, expertise, or education.

It was a fake bravado, and deep down, I knew it.

I’ve had several big wakeup calls. Mostly pain from lost relationships and leadership positions.

It has taken time and healing work to settle into a deeper experience of myself.

To enjoy my own knowing without needing to be right, without blasting it into the world.

Shame drove my bravado.

But when I’m at my best, what prevails is a calm awareness that I know very little…

And with that comes a sweet curiosity.

And that’s enough.

The Bandaids of Shame

We can try to think our way out of shame.

We reframe. Tell ourselves new stories. Try to see ourselves differently.

We can try to behave our way out of shame.

Push forward. Act the part. Pretend confidence until we convince ourselves.

And while these approaches may help for a season, they’re bandaids.

Better than denial, yes—but still temporary.

They don’t reach the root.

Where Shame Really Lives

The roots of shame are in trauma.

When we were young, we absorbed the chaos around us and assumed it was ours to carry.

If there was yelling, fighting, silence, absence—we believed we caused it.

And so we changed who we were to survive.

That false self is heavy.

It twists our thinking and convinces us that we’re defective.

And so, no matter how hard we push, real confidence can’t land.

Because we’re dragging around someone else’s shame.

It’s like trying to stand tall while wearing someone else’s skin.

The Deep Work

This is why inner work matters.

We can’t just reframe the mind or retrain the behavior.

We have to let the body discharge the shame it has carried for years.

That means grieving.

That means anger.

That means shaking loose the places we were frozen, and allowing what was stuck to finally move.

With support, when that shame is released, our reframing and new behaviors have a chance to take root.

Then—only then—confidence can emerge as something sustainable.

What Confidence Really Is

Confidence isn’t bravado.

It isn’t volume or performance.

It isn’t the pose of having it all together.

Confidence is congruence.

It’s walking in alignment with who we truly are, no longer hiding behind masks or forcing our way forward.

It’s the natural calm of authenticity, the quiet power of not needing to prove anything.

That’s real confidence. The kind that doesn’t need to announce itself.

The kind that sustains.

A Final Word

Most people aren’t willing to do this work.

It’s far easier to polish up the mask, to double down on bravado, to hide behind performance.

But the real freedom—the kind that lasts—comes from turning toward the shame, releasing it, and letting the authentic self emerge.

And when that happens, we stop wearing someone else’s skin.

We walk in our own.

That’s confidence.

How does this fit for your life?
Just hit reply and let me know (we do a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

With confidence in our mutual growth,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now, we’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, there’s many free and low cost programs for recovery and healing. Or email me for counseling, coaching, and process groups. Here’s the link to The Deep Waters Experience 3-day trauma workshop.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!