Hey there, ,

In this edition

• How I plotted revenge

• Resentment as addiction

• The science of resentment

• Resentment as a trauma response

• Please reply—I’d love to hear your thoughts

We all think we’re so nice. 

But most of us are simmering below the surface.

And it is challenging to admit that we have resentments.

I used to run on resentment—constantly railing on about something.

Gossiping, plotting revenge, holding a grudge for days, weeks, decades.

Now I see resentment in two ways:

1. It’s an addiction (there’s science behind this)

2. It’s a trauma response (there’s science behind this too)

And I’ve learned to let go of a lot of it.

Not perfectly or entirely, but it’s so much better now. 

The weight of resentment toward exes, former employers, and politics was weighing me down.

Here’s what I’ve found out about carrying and letting go of the toxic energy of resentment:

“Resentment is the number one offender.”

—Bill Wilson, AA founder

For two years, I plotted revenge against the guy who stole my high school love.

My friends and I concocted a variety of schemes that would ruin this kid’s life.

Fortunately, we were all too scared to actually enact any of the plans.

But I remember the seething—and that intense adrenaline high.

It was a momentary relief from the excruciating pain.

Btw, I pushed her away repeatedly. He didn’t “steal” her.

I’ve had that gnawing and lingering resentment many times in my life. 

Of all the cliches about resentment, here’s my favorite:

“Resentments are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

It’s foolish to drink this kind of poison, but it’s so common. Why do we do this thing that is obviously hurtful to us…over and over.

Doesn’t that sound a lot like addiction?

Exactly.

Addicted to Hate

The hallmarks of addiction are craving, tolerance, loss of control, withdrawal, and short-term relief with long-term effects.

Addicts experience a craving for a substance or behavior that promises pleasure or relief from pain. When they indulge, they get a hit of dopamine, which reinforces the behavior.

Similarly, when we ruminate on a wrong that’s been done to us, we release dopamine, opioids, and adrenaline. Over time we experience a craving for the thought, or for getting even. 

The brain begins to associate resentment and thoughts of revenge with relief—just like addiction.

When more of the substance is needed to achieve the same high, it’s known as “tolerance.”

We often find that our initial fantasies of revenge don’t bring closure. This can lead to more intense anger and more profound resentment. In other words, we develop increased tolerance, so we need more, and the resentment deepens.

For the addict, the substance starts controlling their entire life.

Sometimes a grudge can take over our thoughts, relationships, and emotional well-being.

Removing the addictive substance leads to anxiety, depression, or distress.

Has anyone ever told you to “just let it go!”? How did that go?

Letting go of resentment provokes fear, vulnerability, and even a feeling of loss—especially if the resentment has become part of our identity or defense system.

Just as in substance addiction, bitterness might feel satisfying in the moment but often deepens the pain, ruins relationships, and prevents emotional healing.

So, if it looks, walks, and sounds like a duck…it’s probably a duck.

Resentment is an addiction.

The Research

A 2019 study of people who had histories of abuse showed that even the slightest thought of the abuser raised cortisol and adrenaline levels significantly. Even if the event was many years ago.

Cortisol is the body’s primary stress hormone. 

Carrying resentment is highly stressful for our bodies. As we all know, stress is a significant cause of cardio, gastro, and immune problems. 

If we bottle up our resentments, they fester. 

In a Yale study, participants were involved in a mock trial that simulated a scenario in which a person had been severely betrayed. They played all the roles: prosecutor, defendant, juror, and judge. 

Participants were prevented from discussing their thoughts and feelings. Cortisol and blood pressure levels were extremely high until they were allowed to talk about their perspectives.

The physiological effects were significant, as the psychological conflict increased the pain. After they were allowed to process their resentments, participants expressed increased benevolence toward the perpetrator.

In other words, they let go of some of the toxic pressure when they were able to process their emotions.

My Side of the Street

When I started recovery, I was very attached to my resentments. I was sure that “those people” were wrong, and “they” had caused all of my problems: exes, parents, employers, politicians, and many more.

In 12-step recovery, we work through it all. We write it all out—every last resentment. Usually, we don't even know we are resentful toward certain people and situations. Resentment hides deep in the unconscious. So, we have to dig deep.

Spoiler alert! If you’re planning to start a recovery program, you might not need to know the following:

After we make the list of resentments, we own our part in each situation.

Ugh.

Yes, the most challenging work I’ve ever done was to own my side of the street in all of my resentments.

In many cases, the other person was “more at fault.” It doesn’t matter. I had to own my part.

If I wanted relief, I had to acknowledge my role in the conflict. It was a giant wake-up call.

This takes a lot of support. We can’t do it alone because so much of it is unconscious.

We need to hear other people owning their sh*t, and then it becomes normalized.

As you know, blaming others is what is normal in most of our culture.

If we want to change the world, it absolutely has to start within us.

It becomes a lifestyle. A daily self-reflection lifestyle.

It’s the only way to address an addiction.

It takes a lot to change a toxic rhythm. 

We have to become vulnerable.

It’s the ultimate courage.

Freedom is worth it.

It’s in the Body

Trying to cover up our resentments under superficial niceness isn’t “nice.”

It’s deceptive and manipulative. 

Nice is no longer something I seek in others, nor is it a goal of mine. I’m more interested in authenticity. 

One way or another, we must heal the wounds if we want emotional freedom. And the wounds are stored in the body. We can’t think our way out of the pain.

An essential solution to carrying toxic resentments and reclaiming authenticity is body-focused healing.

Whether it’s through Psychodrama, Bioenergetics, Internal Family Systems, Holotropic Breathwork, Somatic Experiencing, or a variety of other expressive processes—we have to get it out.

The above techniques enable us to utilize sound and movement, as well as insight into the wound. 

Again, we can’t just think, meditate, or pray it away. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t work sustainably.

If we want to “let go of the past,” we have to go back to when we got hurt, and shake loose the frozen pain in the body. 

These somatic healing processes bring transformation and integration—not just intellectual understanding.

Let’s learn to get it out, own our side, and find freedom.

We deserve to have a calm nervous system.

And end the wars—external and internal.

Thanks for reading. Take care.

Warmly,

Bob

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