Hey there,

In this edition:

• Sometimes it feels impossible.

• How to stop looking “out there” for answers.

• The secret emotion to finally getting traction (it’s not what you think).

“It’s over, Bob.”

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been devastated by that sentence.

The romance rejections hurt the deepest, but I also experienced rejection in jobs, leadership, and theatre roles. 

For years, it was a constant experience for me. I was either aching from a job loss, a theatre rejection, or the pain of “she left me.”

I was sure the world was against me. 

But my view of myself and the world was completely upside down.

And I’m done with it now. I’ve finally found some traction.

Seriously, “It’s over” has a new meaning for me.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

Brené Brown

Over the years, as a professional actor and as a therapist, I’ve learned one big thing:

If you feel like you’re trying too hard — You’re trying too hard!

There’s nothing more unattractive than an actor trying to make you laugh or cry.

There’s no bigger therapeutic error than doing all the work for the client.

I’m a good actor. I’m an effective therapist and coach. But I’ve had more trouble applying the “stop working so hard” concept in the other areas of my life.

So, why do we try so hard to make people like us?

There is so much information on “how to please a woman” and “how to get the guy.”

And we try so hard to please our friends, boss, or co-workers.

I’m exhausted just writing about it here!

If you’ve been on this healing path for a while, you certainly have a clue about what’s driving this. Right?

Something is missing in us that we are trying mightily to get filled — from the outside world.

• Cosmetics are a 660 billion dollar industry.

• The weight loss business is a 100 billion dollar industry.

• Dating apps are a 20 billion dollar industry.

That’s just a few ways we try to adjust ourselves to look good and make “them” like us.

It’s Fleeting

We’ve all tried some of the outside cures: Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, love, work, and many more.

Codependency is a drug as well. It adjusts our chemistry. One of the main aspects of codependency is people pleasing.

And just like a drug, it doesn’t last. Soon you will need another dose.

I was talking with my fellow actors in my last show.

We all LOVE the laughter and the applause from the audience.

But we all agreed — it’s fleeting.

It doesn’t last. Then we need another hit—the next scene, the next show, etc.

But it’s true for us all — “It ain’t out there!”

The Roots

We all know intuitively that the answer is not “out there.” But most of us have trouble applying that knowledge.

We find ourselves disappointed at every turn, hoping the world will finally see us, love us, and appreciate us.

And we therapists and 12-step people make it sound so easy.

Here are a few of the clichés:

• “Love yourself.”

• “You’re enough.”

• “It’s an inside job.”

• “Be your own person.”

• “Love your inner child.”

• “Just follow your bliss.”

• “Who cares what they think?”

• “You gotta be your own best friend.”

It’s not easy. It’s simple. But it’s not easy.

The roots of the problem were laid when we were children … when we were most vulnerable.

We have to go back there and remember how we got wounded. 

• Abandonment - emotionally or physically

• Abuse - emotionally or physically

• Neglect - emotionally or physically

• Enmeshment - forced to grow up too quickly or too slowly

• Shock - natural or other disasters

And no, we’re not blaming our parents or anyone else. It’s simply about looking at reality. Trauma gets lodged in the body and directs our lives. There’s plenty of PTSD research that has proven that.

Nobody WANTS to do this work, but it’s required. Not doing the inner work is why we stay stuck.

We must get support and begin to feel the grief that lives beneath the anger, fear, and disappointment.

Grief is the most avoided of all feelings. Some people can cry for a few moments at a movie, and others can weep in silence about their disappointing lives. But grief is different.

Grief is a deep emotional expression that cleanses our soul.

We don’t like it. Sometimes, it gets ugly: heaving, wailing, hacking, and coughing.

It is our natural mechanism to dislodge the trauma that’s stuck in our bodies.

We avoid the inner work because it requires support…we have to ask for help.

I avoided it for years. But I’ve also been doing the work for many years now. 

I have some freedom. I’m regretting the years of avoidance.

Freedom

It’s not perfect, but I’ve gotten to the point where I truly notice when I'm doing things that are not in my nature…and find a way to stop.

I used to grind away at jobs, trying to please the boss.

Then I BECAME the boss, trying to please the owners AND my employees.

Each step up the ladder was even more stressful and less satisfying. The top of the mountain - the holy grail of “Leader” - proved empty.

I even got a PhD in leadership - I was so enamored with that perceived pinnacle of success.

My unconscious drive was to please and finally get respect from my dad, my hero. I never felt enough in his eyes. I continued the pursuit even 10 years after he died!

The inner work I avoided was with that small, wounded boy in me. That part of me was hurting and NEEDED ME TO FATHER HIM. It was no longer about Dad.

I was trying to climb over and above my grief — that giant, beautiful, much-avoided, ocean of healing.

I’ve explained this process to my coaching clients lately. Many of them have jobs, and I often get a blank stare when I mention this topic.

Just like the addict who knows no other way, we get lulled to sleep by the idea that jobs, work, promotions, and raises are the big goals. It’s a trick.

We’ve all been indoctrinated into pleasing people to get ahead, to adjust ourselves for a paycheck, to get a client, or to get a partner.

But the cost is great. We’ve sidelined our authenticity and creative gifts, and the world needs them greatly.

We’re not going to change all of this overnight. It’s a process that requires support, connecting with our most vulnerable parts, and feeling those pesky emotions we’ve buried.

But, if you give it time and commitment, TRACTION HAPPENS!

The doorway to success is down, it’s not up.

Down into ourselves - our deeper selves.

There’s poetry and meaning there.

The child within us is waiting.

For us to return to ourselves.

A return to what’s important.

The rest will work itself out.

The problems will atrophy.

You’ll be doing your bliss.

The money will come.

Touching the grief.

Staying with it.

Joy will come.

And clarity.

I promise.

It’s good to be on the healing path with you.

Please reply and let me know how it’s going.

Warmly,

Bob

PS. I’ve created a free course to help you touch the grief and gain traction. Click here: Re-Parenting Yourself.

P.P.S. Let’s keep this healing movement alive:

• Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!

• Resources. You can go here for recovery and healing resources.

• Reply. I would love to hear your experience, strength, and hope. Just reply to this email. We publish a monthly roundup of reader responses.