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Back to our regular newsletter!

In this edition:

• How I hated therapy

• The gifts of surrender

• 3 DIY tools for healing

• Pls reply with your thoughts

When I walked into that couple’s therapist’s office, my armor was three feet thick.

My wife was trying to salvage something from our messy relationship.

Truly, I felt like I was going into battle against some enemy.

I wasn’t sure who or what the enemy was at the time.

My heart was wounded and completely shut down.

I argued with the therapist for the entire session.

I didn’t return to healing for many years.

“To finally surrender ourselves to healing, we have to have three spaces opened up within us - and all at the same time: our opinionated head, our closed-down heart, and our defensive and defended body.

Richard Rohr

So, I used the tools I had—anger, drugs, alcohol, sex, codependency, busyness—did I mention anger?

These dysfunctional tools may have gotten us where we are, but they’re unsustainable. 

But I didn’t think I had any other options. And I wasn’t open to suggestions anyway. 

Until a series of crashes and burns forced me to wake up and finally surrender.

So, to survive —and thrive—I’ve been gathering a useful toolbox for 25+ years.

I’ve needed a lot of support along the way. I tried—but just couldn’t do it alone.

Somatic therapy, trauma workshops, and 12-step recovery have been primary.

But I use a variety of regular practices to stay awake and growing.

Here are three simple body-focused tools to keep the heart open:

Breathing with Intention

Everyone breathes. It’s not rocket science that we must have oxygen to survive.

But those of us with trauma (everyone - mild or severe) tend to shallow breathe.

We are under-oxygenated. And most of our breathing is mildly panicked.

Our nervous system is in defense mode. And it impairs our functioning.

We’re addicted to short breaths.

Try this:

• Set a timer for 3 minutes

• Do a quick body scan to notice areas of tension

• Get still with a straight back

• Breathe in to a count of 4

• Breathe out to a count of 6

• Focus on two things:

  • Counting

  • Your belly rising and falling

• Notice the difference in body tension

There are a million breathing techniques to train your nervous system to calm down. 

We have many years of practice at panicked breathing to overcome.

Keep it simple. Do it often. 

Inner Child Contact

When I first heard about “the inner child” I thought it was bullshit, woo woo, and childish.

How could something that sounds like the ultimate psychobabble help me?

I’ve come to find that regular contact with this part of me is very powerful.

It’s the simplest and most accessible trauma healing tool available to us.

WE HAVE TO BYPASS OUR INTELLECT TO HEAL OUR OLD WOUNDS.

Inner child work gets us into our unconscious, where healing occurs.

Try this:

• Get a pen and a pad

• Put on some gentle music

• Close your eyes and breathe

• Picture a place that is warm and safe 

• See the child—you when you were 5 or 6

• Write a question to your child: “What do you need?” What are you feeling?”

• Let the child answer with YOUR NON-DOMINANT HAND

• Do this back and forth a few times

• Get still and notice the emotions

• Say goodbye and come back

Make this a regular part of your meditation/journaling practice. If you’ve tried thinking your way out of your problems, then maybe it’s time to try something different. This process has helped me immensely over the years.

Shake, Rattle, Roll

Many masters of healing have designed programs to get the body moving to loosen our lodged trauma—and shake it off.

Look into the work of Alexander Lowen and Bioenergetics, Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing, and Moshe Feldenkrais and The Feldenkrais Method.

If you like a little rhythm in your healing, look into Gabrielle Roth's work and The 5 Rhythms.

Body-focused healing encourages finding the places of tension, moving them gently at first, and increasing as the body requires it for release.

Here are a couple of practices:

Move the Tension

• Get somewhere private

• Put on some music with a bit of rhythm

• Stand in a grounded way

• Scan your body for tension

• Allow the places of tension to guide your movement (swaying, bobbing, stretching, etc)

• If a sound comes, let it out.

• Do this for a few minutes, then get still and feel

• If emotions come, just allow them to flow

Get the Anger Out

Tantrums have gotten a bad reputation. But sometimes a good and SAFE release of anger is healthy.

If you’re angry at a person or situation:

• Put pillows around you on your bed

• Lay face down

• Start hitting and kicking slowly

• Let it increase

• Let some sound out

• Do this for a few minutes

Often, I find myself in tears by the end of this process, which is good.

Grief is the body’s natural cleansing and healing mechanism. Sometimes we must get the anger off the top first.

Journaling is a great wind-down for all these techniques.

Of course, it’s best to have a therapist or coach with somatic training to help you explore what comes up in these processes. 

Most of the tension in our bodies is from past trauma. 

Even the current frustrating situations are a doorway to healing the old wounds.

If we learn the language, our bodies will tell us where and what needs to be healed.

The work is simple, but not easy. We’re confronting many years of patterns.

Get healthy support. Do the work. Surrender your armor.

So glad to be on this ride with you.

Warmly,

Bob

PS. Let’s keep this healing movement alive:

• Inner Work Mastery - The 7-day healing program is closed for now, but you can get on the wait list here.

• Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!

• Coaching/Therapy - I have a small practice for people deeply committed to the work. I also have three skilled colleagues with the same orientation. Reply if interested.

• Resources. You can go here for free and low-cost recovery and healing resources.

• Reply. I would love to hear your experience, strength, and hope. Just reply to this email. We publish a monthly roundup of reader responses.