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Hey there
In this week’s edition:
How planning can be a hiding place
How trauma creates worry
Why listening is so hard
What improv theatre can teach us
Creating the conditions for spontaneity
“We often substitute planning, ruminating, or list-making for actually doing something about our dreams.”
I’ve had a lot of great ideas.
Made a lot of plans.
And manifested very few of them.
A lot of our creative energy gets swallowed up by worrying and planning.
Much of this is a trauma response.
When we’ve been hurt, the nervous system tries to prevent it from happening again.
So we rehearse, predict, analyze, and control.
We live ten steps ahead of the moment we’re actually in.
It feels responsible.
It often looks responsible.
We may even get some praise for it.
But it can quietly drain the life out of us.
How trauma puts us in defense mode
I see this all the time with couples in distress.
It’s been my story in relationships.
We can’t hear each other.
Not because of a lack of caring—but because fear and shame are activated.
We are planning our argument instead of listening.
We’re responding to old wounds.
Rather than listening, we go into self-protection mode.
In relationship coaching, the work is often simple: teaching people how to listen and reflect what they’ve heard.
Simple but not easy.
It takes practice.
For many of us with nervous systems on alert, it feels impossible.
What improv can teach us
In improv theatre, planning kills the scene.
If actors go into their heads, the energy disappears.
The show flattens out.
Great improv isn’t scripted.
Improv actors rehearse how to be in the moment.
They aren’t guessing or “planning” what to say.
They’re responding.
That’s a skill.
And like any skill, it can be learned.
Creating the conditions for spontaneity
A lot of spiritual language encourages us to “be in the moment.”
That sounds nice, but it’s not something you can just decide to do.
Lao Tzu said, “Empty yourself of everything.”
Meditation helps.
I’m a tough case, so this month I’m going to another Vipassana 10-day silent retreat.
It’s very hard for me to get still without a strong container.
But sitting still isn’t the whole answer.
For those of us carrying unexpressed emotion (which is all of us) meditation alone isn’t enough.
If grief, anger, fear, and shame are bottled up, the mind stays busy trying to manage them.
Some kind of emotional release work is often needed—somatic therapy, expressive practices, unedited journaling, safe places where feelings can move.
I lead a 3-day workshop to help others and myself to heal - The Deep Waters Experience
Expressive group therapy with an experienced facilitator can help.
Any setting with others who can tolerate and affirm emotional expression can help.
Becoming ourselves
When the emotional pressure eases, something shifts.
We stop clinging so tightly to the script.
We take more risks.
We listen better.
We show up more honestly.
Our work becomes more alive.
Our relationships deepen.
Creativity returns.
Because we stopped trying to figure and plan it all out.
That’s what healing looks like: less planning, more presence.
And slowly, we find ourselves becoming who we were meant to be in the first place.
I’ve created a free 5-day course that will help with this: Click here: Emotional Integrity 101.
Can you relate? Let me know how this hits. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).
In this moment,
Bob
PS. Get my free 5-day course here: Emotional Integrity 101.
PPS. The Inner Work Community will open again soon and we’ll only accept 10 new members this time around. Get on the waitlist here.
PPPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.
PPPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience
The Monthly Roundup!
The forum for your voice on healing.
“It’s stressful to be nice when you want to break something. But we were brought up to be nice.”
“Such a great blog and well put. The lines about the damage that suppressing our emotions cause, really hit home, "Anything under pressure starts boiling…and eventually finds a way out." Really well written.”
I learned early to survive by being “nice,” then replaced that with being “tough” through the Army and the infantry, only to find the same emptiness when the welcome-home feeling faded. Years later, I finally understand that clarity comes through feeling, and that having the freedom to feel is something I deserved all along. Your newsletter reminded me that none of the pain was wasted, and that my children will be free to carry only what they choose.
“Couldn’t agree more. When living from the hear complete freedom, intelligence and power arises. Thanks for sharing.”
“This absolutely resonates. I was married to an incredibly controlling man in from ‘85-‘96. It’s taken me until this last summer (30 years!) to realize how deeply that has affected me and I’m gradually becoming less judgy and more curious.”
This landed right where I am today. I’ve spent my life proving my worth through work, and now, as I near the end of that chapter, it feels strangely hollow. While it provided for my family, it also pulled me away emotionally from my kids and from what truly matters—connection, joy, and play—everything else now feels like noise meant to distract me from where my attention belongs.
This is an awesome piece. Many a times I have questioned my actions rather than tracing the causes of my actions. I think it is because I been trained that prevention is better than cure. I have been applying this to treat the symptoms and not the cause. I am grateful for the impact brought to me through your thoughtful insights in your writings. Warm regards.
Hello Dr Bob, Thank you so much for your relatable mail and gift. "Worry and sadness aren't thinking problems" - found this so profound. I have recently been able to free myself from decades of being anxious. I am so grateful I was willing to be open to learning about somatic processes for releasing emotions.
“Hello Bob, thank you so much for this article about setting boundaries. Excited for more.”
“Another excellent read. Your writing style cuts straight to the core. Thank you for sharing Doctor 🫡”
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