Be nice

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• When “nice” becomes a mask

• How we learned to hide

• The emotional cost of repression

• What real connection looks like

My dad used to say, “It’s good to be good, it’s nice to be nice.”

And I agree.

Up to a point.

Sometimes “nice” isn’t all that nice.

Sometimes it’s a mask.

Sometimes it’s a way of hiding an ocean of feelings that never had a safe place to land.

I did it for years.

I’m done.

How We Learned to Hide

If you grew up around a lot of conflict, you may have become the peacemaker.

The one who smoothed things over.

The one who kept the temperature down.

If you were praised for being a “good” kid, you probably learned that approval came from being agreeable, not from being honest.

And if your caregivers were uncomfortable with their own emotions, they likely couldn’t tolerate yours.

Anger, sadness, fear—those were treated like problems instead of experiences.

So we learned to hide.

The Emotional Cost of Repression

Our culture is obsessed with happiness.

• Smile more.

• Think positive.

• Be grateful.

But joy doesn’t come from cutting off parts of ourselves.

It comes from allowing emotion to move.

When feelings are blocked, they don’t disappear.

They go underground and lot of what we call mental illness is simply emotion that never had permission to exist.

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s anger, fear, and grief that got buried.

Here’s the hard part for “nice” people to admit: much of our agreeableness is driven by anxiety.

• We smooth things over to avoid tension.

• We say yes to avoid discomfort.

• We stay quiet to keep the peace.

And underneath all that politeness? Resentment.

Anything under pressure starts boiling…and eventually finds a way out.

What Real Connection Looks Like

People doing real healing work tend to form what we call a family of choice.

People who can tolerate honesty.

In those spaces, the full range of emotion is allowed.

Anger, sadness, and fear are no longer dangerous.

It’s fine to be kind.

It’s fine to be nice.

But it’s an advanced skill to be emotionally honest without doing harm—to yourself or to others.

Real connection comes from being real.

I’ve created a free 5-day course for you to start that work: Click here: Emotional Integrity 101. 

Any other “nice” people out there? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Nicely-ish,

Bob

PS. Get my free 5-day course here: Emotional Integrity 101.

PPS. The Inner Work Community will open again soon and we’ll only accept 10 new members this time around. Get on the waitlist here.

PPPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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