Hey there ,

In this edition:

• I had all the answers

• The Bystander Effect, addiction, and trauma

• How understanding changes everything

• Please reply with your thoughts

Before recovery, I was sure I had it all figured out.

I didn’t need help. I didn’t need advice. I didn’t need anyone else’s input.

I thought I was smart enough to get myself out of anything.

My relationship was blowing up, the substances weren’t working as well as they used to, and I was a complete emotional dullard.

I was 35—a shell of a man, and I was about to lose everything.

And I told myself I didn’t care…

Until she stood at the front door and told me it was over…and this time she meant it.

And suddenly I did care—deeply–but it was too late.

This was my introduction to a deep, suicidal depression.

It was a thunderous wake-up call on all levels.

I barely lived through it.

But even though I resisted it mightily—I accepted support and slowly began to listen to the pain that I’d been medicating.

And to the wisdom of others—for the first time.

That moment—when I became open to different perspectives—was the turning point.

Until then, I was trapped. Not just by my addictions or emotional wounds, but by my certainty.

And certainty is a cage.

Being willing to consider another way of thinking and behaving changed everything.

Have you heard of the Bystander Effect?

It’s the psychological phenomenon where people are less likely to intervene in an emergency when others are present.

The most famous example came from a series of studies in the 1960s after the murder of Kitty Genovese, where people stood by and did nothing as she was attacked.

The original theory was that a diffusion of responsibility freezes people: “Someone else will help.”

But later research showed something even more interesting—and hopeful.

The main finding? Education changes everything.

When participants were taught about the bystander effect before witnessing a staged emergency, they were far more likely to help.

They didn’t freeze. They acted.
Once they understood, they became capable of something different.

That’s why authoritarian regimes fear education.
Because informed people are hard to control.

The title of this newsletter, “We don’t need no education,” as you might know, is from a Pink Floyd song. It’s a revolt against authoritarian educational systems.

Those of us who have been hurt by being controlled (which is most of us) learned to shut down, overcompensate, and refuse to let certain information in.

It may have kept us safe for a while. But it stops our ability to grow.

And that’s not the only way our growth gets blocked.

I realized—I had created my own internal authoritarian regime.
Not imposed by a dictator, but by addiction.
And addiction thrives in ignorance.

Before I learned the truth about addiction, I thought it was a moral issue.

I told myself I just needed to try harder. I believed people with addiction were weak. Undisciplined. Selfish.

I also believed that only substances caused addiction. A whole new world opened up when I found out about the other addictions—codependency, food, love, sex, work, and more. They all alter our chemistry and can be powerfully addictive.

I was very firm in my resistance to this information. Until the relationship, legal, and career consequences became sufficiently painful.

It cracked open my mind, just enough.

Once I began to learn about the actual disease process—the neurological hijacking, the maladaptive coping, the way trauma wires the brain for craving and avoidance—everything changed.

I stopped blaming.
I stopped shaming.
I started healing.

That’s the power of information. It can relax your intellectual defenses and open your heart.

Just like with the bystander effect, we’re frozen—because we lack information.

And the same is true of trauma.

Most people don’t think they have trauma.

They hear the word and think it only applies to war zones or car crashes.
But trauma isn’t defined by the event. It’s defined by the impact.

And once people learn that trauma includes neglect, abandonment, enmeshment, emotional absence—not just violence or shock—they start to see themselves in the picture.

I can’t count the number of clients I’ve seen who—at the first mention of “trauma”—said, “but I’m from a good family.” And they were sincere in their argument that, therefore, they had no trauma.

I was one of the uneducated. It took me a while to relax, reflect, and wake up to the truth about how I’d been hurt.

I began to understand why I was chronically anxious, disconnected, afraid of intimacy, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As the blinders come off, we say things like:
“Oh. That’s why I’ve always felt this way.”
“That’s why I reacted like that.”

And then the healing can begin.

I was controlled by addiction, and I was deeply affected by trauma. I didn’t believe I had either one.

No wonder I thought I had all the answers. I needed to. That was my shield.

But pain—when it builds up enough—can break through our certainty.
And if we’re lucky, we let it.
We surrender. We listen to our emotions. We see things in a new light and change.

And suddenly, the things we used to judge or fear start to make sense.
Not just in ourselves, but in others.

That’s the beginning of compassion.
And it starts with being open.

So here’s my invitation: stay open.

Stay curious about the things you think you already understand.
Trauma. Mental health. Shame. Emotional repression.

You don’t need to become an expert.
But when you learn even a little about the nature of addiction and the effects of trauma—it’s like someone turns the lights on in a dark room you’ve been stumbling through for years.

Suddenly you’re not alone.
Suddenly it’s not your fault.
Suddenly you have a way forward.

We live in a culture that profoundly misunderstands these things.
And as long as we keep treating trauma like it’s someone else’s problem…
As long as we keep treating addiction like a moral issue…
As long as we keep avoiding emotions and trying to figure it all out alone…

We stay frozen.

But there’s another way.

And it begins with being willing to say:
Maybe there’s something I don’t know yet.
Maybe my emotions have something to say.
Maybe there’s wisdom beyond my intellect.

If you’re ready to explore this further:

• Read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

• Watch The Wisdom of Trauma with Gabor Maté

• Get my book on trauma and addition Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do

• Join a support group like ACA

• Work with a trauma-informed therapist or somatic practitioner

It’s not weakness to change your mind and feel your emotions..
It’s strength.

Let the learning soften you.
Let it unfreeze you.

Stay Tuned: A body-based healing community opportunity is coming your way — the Inner Work Community. A warm and supportive gathering of people finding their most healthy and authentic life. Much more about that soon.

With you in this,

Bob

PS. I’d love to hear from you on this topic. Just hit reply.

PPS. Let’s keep this healing movement alive:

• Inner Work Mastery - The 7-day healing program is closed for now, but you can get on the wait list here.

• Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!

• Coaching/Therapy - I have a small practice for people deeply committed to the work. I also have a group of skilled colleagues with the same orientation. Reply if interested.

• Resources. You can go here for free and low-cost recovery and healing resources.

• Reply. I would love to hear your experience, strength, and hope. Just reply to this email. We publish a monthly roundup of reader responses.

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