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Are You Valuable?
There's no more important question
Hey friend,
Welcome to Dr. Bob’s Newsletter
Have you ever felt “just not good enough?”
Most of us have…it’s bullshit, but there’s more to it.
In this edition we’ll look at:
How this low self-worth thing runs the show
How it was formed
How to let it go
Premium Community update:
The Recover! Heal! Launch! Workbook is almost in your hands!
It’s the follow-up to Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do. You’ve said, “Ok, so how do I do that?” This is it.
As a member of the Premium Community, you’ll be the first to get the workbook PLUS live connections with Bob, visualizations, meditations, affirmations, and the online video programs. It’s life-changing stuff. Stay tuned.
“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert
I’ve facilitated over 300 trauma intensives for thousands of people. When the problems are boiled down, almost everyone says, “I just don’t feel good enough.” It’s been true for me as well.
When I get into my deep work, and look under the hood, there is always a sense of internal shame that pervades almost any conflict I encounter. I don’t like looking at it, but It is the one thing that underlies all forms of being stuck, depressed, and anxious.
It’s been a many-decade search for the answers in this area. I’ve been so obsessed with it that I did my doctoral research and wrote two books on how to transcend this universal malady. If you’ve been reading my stuff, it’s not a mystery that the solution lies in healing trauma (or “domestication”, or “conditioning”, or” indoctrination” - whatever you prefer to call it).
As we do the much-avoided grief work, the inner problems and outer conflicts recede. But it also takes some ongoing intentional behavior and cognitive work to stay on track. In addition to healing, sometimes we must simply act as if we have value, and remind ourselves daily. This can be seen as re-parenting or re-culturing.
I’ve encountered this value wall many times. My former assistant became angry at my ongoing resistance to raising my fees. I have been at this for several decades and have more degrees and certifications than anyone needs. Charging at the top of the industry is appropriate. I still have trouble asking for it sometimes. A sliding scale is one thing, but a sliding sense of worth driven by unresolved shame is another.
This has been up for me again as we’ve developed this premium subscription. I’ve asked you all, and a hundred other people how to price this content that I’ve put so much work into. The newsletter will always be free, and it is fun for me anyway, but I have no idea of the worth of all these new creations. I think it’s my best work and it will change lives. But I cringe at the process of “pricing” any of it. After all these years this kind of clarity remains a mystery.
There’s nothing like the money topic to poke at our deepest wounds. There were many arguments in my childhood about money and it all seems like a loathsome topic. Finances have always felt just as they did when I was a kid - an opportunity for conflict of some kind. It’s getting better and I’m learning that our value - our self-value - is always wrapped around the old stuff. It’s an opportunity to unravel the mess and find freedom.
As we grow, it also forces us to look at what we value in the world. When we were young, most of us were told by our families, culture, and religion what to value. Part of this work is to deeply explore what is true for us without all the outside input.
There is so much to value within ourselves and in the world. Of course, the money topic is an issue for most of us. But beyond that, what do we truly value? What brings that feeling of warmth within us, and that sense of wonder at the magic in the world? If we can get the fear and shame out of the way, this kind of genuine value comes forward.
I value depth, kindness, creativity, humor, and vulnerability. I’m learning to value time in nature and time doing art for art’s sake. For now, I’m sticking to that and I’ll be sharing my progress with you over the next months.
Let’s continue exploring this self-worth thing, and looking at what is most valuable to us. I’m hopeful that this process brings an increasing sense of self-value, empowerment, prosperity, and peace to your entire life.
An Affirmation
Today, I am breathing into my self-value. I am learning what I value in my life and in my world.
Reminder: You are part of a growing community here. We are supporting each other in becoming increasingly authentic and accepting our value! This is a community forum for dialogue. I would appreciate your insights on this topic. Please reply with your experience and comments.
Solutions
Develop your self-worth: The adage is true; If we hang out with people who have what we want, we will find it for ourselves. People who are deeply working on their trauma are automatically developing self-worth. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal the child within. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.
Notice when you are telling yourself you’re not worthy: When we make a mistake or are rejected, we can be very hard on ourselves. These are times to look at the old wound and ask, “When did I first start telling myself this?” I’ve written extensively about healing the inner child and accessing our true emotions in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma and the Workbook is coming soon.
Questions for Growth
Take this into your journal.
Do you have trouble valuing yourself? How does that show up?
What do you truly value?
How has low self-worth affected your progress?
What healthy changes have you seen as you’ve done inner work.?
We have to become our own best friend. Our self-value will follow. With time we will develop a clear vision of what we value throughout our lives.
I see your value,
Bob
To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:
Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)
Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here. The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!
Get ready for premium! Within the next month, we will be rolling out a a Premium Subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!
From our previous newsletter, on being misunderstood, here are the thoughts of some of our community members:
“Our Truth will resonate with some, but not others” is such a powerful sentence to me. I think I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make sure I am perceived the exact way as intended. You’re helping me learn to let that go.
I have always loved comedy, stand up and other kinds. I think that a lot of the times comedians really cut through the “bullshit” and talk about real things in ways that other people won’t. Sometimes they are misunderstood, I think that’s why you mentioned a lot of them only hang out with other comedians. Comedians bring a lightness to life we can all aspire to. They take the seriousness out of everything. They don’t put pressure on making sure everyone gets them. The people who should, will. I’d like to do that too.
Reply