Hey friend,

Welcome to Dr. Bob’s Newsletter

Good to connect again! This is a follow-up to last week’s post on finding a “family of choice.”

In this edition we’ll look at: 

• How we get hurt by misunderstandings.

• How to let go of old worn-out triggers.

• How to allow SOME limited feedback.

• How to deeply understand ourselves.

“Being misunderstood is one of the greatest triggers we have as human beings.”

― Dr. Nicole LePera

I’ve been banned from X a couple of times. I misspelled a word once and the bot interpreted it as hate speech. Another time I used the word ‘kill” in a symbolic way to describe how we put so much pressure on ourselves. Banned again. The hurt was strong in the moment, but I’m learning. 

These are small examples, but we have all felt the sting of having our self-expression rejected. Sometimes the hurt is massive - as in love relationships, family problems, and work-related misunderstandings. 

Being understood is a great goal, but it will never be a perfect science. I’ve found that the sting is usually less about any given situation but points strongly to our old wounds. We can use this to grow. 

When these “hits” come it hurts our pride. We are attached to our ideas and like to think of ourselves as being clear and expect to be understood and affirmed. But when our ideas or actions are criticized it can feel like a blow to our entire being. Sometimes it hurts so strongly that we lash out and make it worse for ourselves. This is enough reason to do the inner work to calm our hyper-sensitivity.

I never felt fully understood as a kid. I was sensitive and creative but encouraged to get tough and practical at age 5. I’ve been trying to get the great and powerful “them” to understand me ever since. Sometimes I still react badly, but increasingly I’m beginning to not give a shit - in a good way. 

Our truth will resonate with some, and not with others. We must learn to cultivate our truth by offloading those old hurts and allowing our ideas and creativity to come forward. Sometimes we have to adjust slightly, so it communicates well. But more importantly, we begin to deeply enjoy our self-expression, whether they get it or not. 

As we heal, we are less “triggered” and will find more of a flow of our creativity. We will stop the obsession with obsessively framing ourselves to meet our interpretation of what the world expects. It takes practice. 

I’m learning a lot from comedians these days. Many successful comics have found ways to tell their deep truths in a way that resonates with certain slices of the world. Again, they all won’t “get us.” Most comics only hang out with other comics. We must find our tribes. 

If you’re on the path to authenticity, there is nothing more attractive than emotional honesty. There is nothing more unattractive than spinning everything to be liked. See politics. 

Spending quality time with people who are doing inner work is helpful. They will not be “offended” by your truth. Their well-being is not dependent on perfectly aligning with you. And vice versa.

Alignment comes from the commitment to offloading the old bullshit and calming down our nervous system. We find extremely satisfying camaraderie with others as we develop an increasingly genuine relationship with ourselves.

An Affirmation

Today, I am letting go of being understood. I am enjoying my company, humor, and exploration of truth. My deepest expressions resonate with exactly the right people. 

Reminder: You are part of a growing community here. We are supporting each other in becoming increasingly authentic! This is a community forum for dialogue. I would appreciate your insights on this topic. Please reply with your experience and comments.

Solutions

1. Find Your Tribe: People on the path will show up as we start to take action toward healing. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal your inner child. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.

2. Turn within when triggered: Even if just for a moment, turn within when hurt by misunderstanding. See if you can reflect on the old wound. There’s a child within us all that needs our attention and approval. I’ve written extensively about healing the inner child and accessing our true emotions in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma and the Workbook is coming soon.
   

Questions for Growth

Take this into your journal.

1. How do you react to being misunderstood?

2. Is it possible for you to breathe and reflect?

3. Are you developing a tribe on the healing path?

4. What progress have you seen as you heal your trauma?

Being misunderstood is a great opportunity if we use it that way. Of course, it hurts. But as we travel this path together we learn to use these moments as course corrections. Simple. Not easy.

With warmth,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)

2. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here.  The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! 

3. Get ready for premium! Within the next month, we will be rolling out a a Premium Subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!

From our previous newsletter, on chosen family, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: