Hey friend,

Welcome to Recover! Heal! Launch! - Dr. Bob Beare’s Newsletter

Good to see you again!

In this edition we’ll look at:

• Is our family our only support?

• Are there additional options?

• How to live with freedom.

“We support each other the most because we're the only ones that know what it's like to go through what we do, so we can't be more thankful for each other.”

― Simone Biles, referring to her sister gymnasts

This is not an anti-family post. This is a choose-people-who-deeply-understand-us post. Our families of origin are a group of people who know and love us. We’ve been through much together. But often they are not the folks best situated to help us heal.

As we surrender to getting quality help to transcend trauma and dependency, we may need to get some distance from the old patterns…and sometimes from the people who were involved in the wounding. It’s rare to find a bio family who are all in active recovery so it’s a good bet they won’t always be able to support our search for the truth.

Also, the friends that we’ve made while we were in our dysfunctional patterns may not be able to fully support our transformation. It’s normal. When we are unconscious of our wounds, we often thwart the growth of the people around us.

This is why we must develop a “family of choice” if we want to grow. I stole that phrase from a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). This is a fellowship of people focused on healing - with an emphasis on inner child work. It’s not just for people affected by alcoholism, it’s for those of us who have been conditioned in severe and subtle ways to be other than who we are.

ACA is not the only resource. As we dive into this work, we will find many people on the path of transformation. We must find people who will not get triggered by our attempts to look at our history honestly.

For those of you who have extremely toxic family members or friends, it is okay to let them go. Our healing has to become our top concern. If someone is consistently thwarting your growth - you must let them go. Often we avoid this because we know that the reaction will be strong, and sometimes hateful. That’s why we need support… a lot of support.

This does not mean we have to alienate our family and friends completely. In the early days of our recovery, it may seem that way. Taking care of ourselves is a foreign concept, and takes practice. We are allowing old buried feelings to emerge, which can result in some extra sensitivity to criticism and we have to choose our support carefully.

We are learning how to have boundaries. When we have grown up in an enmeshed family system and subsequently chosen relationships and work environments that are less than understanding, we will need to take care of ourselves for a while.

We learn to breathe - long and often. We take breaks from people and places that cannot support our growth. We find our healing tribe. We develop a growing phone list of people we can rely on to hold space for our growth. We become each others’ healers.

As we grow, we will have increasingly compassionate and engaged relationships with our families, friends, and anyone who will respect - if not fully understand - our lifestyle. We may even be able to interact with people who don’t fully understand without being re-wounded.

It takes time and a lot of emotional discharge work. The healing path is not for everyone but is the best way to reclaim our authentic lives.

An Affirmation

Today, I am choosing supportive allies in recovery. I am healing deeply and accessing my authentic self-expression. I have a quality family of choice and can interact with family and friends as a whole person.

Reminder: You are part of a growing community here. We are supporting each other in becoming increasingly authentic! This is a community forum for dialogue. I would appreciate your insights on this topic. Please reply with your experience and comments.

Solutions

1. Find Your Tribe: As we start to take action toward healing - people on the path will show up. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal your inner child. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.

2. Get some space while remaining compassionate: Develop healthy boundaries. This does not mean erecting giant walls of isolation. Notice when you are being treated poorly and remove yourself. Come back when you’ve developed more clarity and the ability to take care of yourself well. I’ve written extensively about healing the inner child and accessing our true emotions in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

Questions for Growth

Take this into your journal.

1. How do you define healthy vs. unhealthy relationships?

2. Is it hard for you to ask for what you need?

3. Are there critical people in your life?

4. What does your support look like?

5. What progress have you seen?

A healthy Family of Choice does not mean pushing eject on your friends and family. It means taking very good care of ourselves and choosing quality containers for healing. It is required on this path of becoming whole.

With warmth,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)

2. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here.  The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! 

3. Get ready for premium! Within the next month, we will be rolling out a premium subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!

From our previous newsletter, Let’s Fight, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: