Hey friend,

Welcome to Recover! Heal! Launch! - Dr. Bob Beare’s Newsletter (renamed but still the same.)

Glad you’re back.

In this edition we’ll look at:

• How conflict can be our greatest ally.

• How we have avoided the gift.

• How to heal and grow.

“Conflict exists strictly as an opportunity to raise our consciousness.”

―  Carl Jung

We’re social beings. The challenge we have is to grow from relationship conflict. But we often try too hard to be nice and work it out, do battle to get them to see our way, or run away at the slightest smell of conflict. It’s a complex topic, but maybe the most important one.

It’s obvious to those who have been doing healing work for a while, that adversity is an opportunity…a course correction. There is something within us that needs healing or change. But does the change require deep work on our part, boundary setting, or simply to remove ourselves from an unhealthy environment? Or some combination of all the above?

It is an ongoing challenge to distinguish when we need to set a boundary vs. simply focusing on our inner work. When we get support and do some deep somatic healing, often the outer problem handles itself.

There is a new pop psychology tendency to identify people who trigger us as narcissistic and to immediately erect giant walls (aka boundaries). This may be necessary, but doing the trauma healing work is more difficult and the road is much less traveled.

Most of us try to figure this dilemma out in our heads. Remember, we know very little intellectually. Our intellect is highly overrated. Our thinking got us into the conflict, and it probably is not the best ally for resolution.

As we were conditioned to adjust our natural emotional and behavioral instincts, we went into our heads and figured out what would please our caregivers and society. We became “appropriate.” Of course, this is temporary. We will revolt. Conflict, depression, or anxiety are inevitable.

The best place to find ourselves - is in relation to others. We are fish in a bowl and don’t know we’re in water, in a bowl, or even that we are fish. Others mirror our inner world; good, bad, and ugly. Whatever challenging emotion emerges is usually connected to some buried unconscious hurt. There is a disowned part of ourselves trying to emerge.

When we are upset by “difficult people”, we have a few options: Go within and get support to heal the old wound, blame ourselves, or blame “them.” Most of the world takes options two or three, which explains most psychiatric disorders and world war. Some live their entire life this way.

I was a master at the blame game. A rumbling sense of self-blame drove a conflict-centered external life until a series of death-defying events and losses slapped me toward this path of inner work. It’s not a perfect science - nothing in psychology is. Believe me, I haven’t transcended the conflict tendency and I’m writing this as a self-reminder.

Even if the person is difficult, and truly is more at fault, the work is still within. At some level - usually unconscious - we chose them. This is hard for many of us to swallow. Our unresolved conditioning makes unconscious choices for us. We may be choosing people and situations unintentionally who make us feel just as we did as vulnerable children.

This is a complicated topic. The child in us chooses people, jobs, and environments that mimic our childhood, with the hope that “this time it will be different.” As we heal, this changes. We blame less and look within more.

Jung wrote, “The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate.” In other words, if we want to resolve outer conflict, resolve the inner conflict.

Often, a sort of magic occurs as we heal. Those “difficult people” seem less difficult, and fewer in numbers. This is the hardest work we will do on the healing path; empowering ourselves past the tendency to blame ourselves or others, and do the painful and rewarding work of accessing our authentic self-expression.  

An Affirmation

I am aware that outer conflicts are an opportunity to grow. I have a family of choice to help me heal. I am enjoying this life of continued growth.

As a reminder, you are part of a growing community here. We are all learning how to transform our conflicts into gold! This is a community forum for dialogue. I would appreciate your insights on this topic. Please reply with your experience and comments.

Solutions

1. Get some help: It is difficult to see ourselves in a vacuum. Most mood disorders and addictions are maintained by avoiding support. Our inner conflicts are lodged in the body. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal your inner child. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.

2. Pay attention: When you accuse - notice it. When you are too nice - notice it. When you are repeating the same conflicts - notice it. Awareness is the biggest part of healing. Then, notice what you’re feeling - Anger? Sadness? Fear? Shame? This becomes a healing moment vs. a damaging moment. I’ve written extensively about getting out our heads and into our hearts in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

Questions for Growth

Take this into your journal.

1. Do you automatically blame yourself or others when uncomfortable?

2. What theme is connected to most of your conflicts?

3. What old wounds might be related to this?

4. What quality support are you getting?

5. What progress have you seen?

Transforming conflict is not easy. It requires support to normalize the expression of the feelings beneath the battle. Stay connected.

Warmly,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)

2. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here.  The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! 

3. Get ready for premium! Within the next month, we will be rolling out The Launch Pad 🚀 premium subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!

From our previous newsletter, Judge, Jury, Jailer, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: