Welcome,

In this edition:

• My first wake-up call

• A spiritual gift from a wise elder

• The joy and pain of “Tough Love”

• Re-parenting Yourself free 5-day program

My infant daughter died in my arms.

I cried for about a month - the first time since childhood.

Some couples can survive it - and some can even grow from it.

But I slammed the door to my emotions shut, and eventually, my wife left. 

I had pushed my wife away again and again. But she always came back for more. She was just as wounded as me, but in a different way.

Finally, she stood at the door with tears in her eyes, saying, “I’m done, Bob. I love you and always will, but I’m done.”

That was the tough love moment that started my new life of feeling deeply. I dove into a fetal position and started the process of digging my way out of 35 years of unconscious living.  

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must have great sadness on earth.”

― Fyodor Dostoevsky

So, here I am a couple of decades later with long-term sobriety and years of deep healing work behind me.

But I’m not cured. Another wave of wake-up calls just hit me hard.

Last weekend, I facilitated a trauma and recovery workshop (deepwatersrecovery.org) for 50 people in search of their souls.

As the “leader” of these workshops, I give many lectures on trauma and how to transcend addiction, and it’s easy to think I have it all figured out.

Many moments exploded that misguided thinking. Here are some of the gifts:

• The solution is spiritual

• Tough love can be too tough

• Tough love is absolutely necessary

• Pay attention to the advice you give others

The Solution is Spiritual

One of the participants was a 78-year-old 2x Olympian who got sober 10 years ago. 

As the weekend unfolded, we squeezed his story out of him. He is an incredibly accomplished and humble man. His Olympic achievements were the least of his adventures.

I slowly realized that this man changed his entire focus when he dove into recovery.

I began to simply invite him to talk, and the group was in AWE.

I don’t use the word "awe" lightly. By awe, I mean that deep, soul-transforming feeling when we experience transcendent truth.

His teachings were spiritual. 

His many accomplishments were never satisfying. 

They were only brief blasts of adrenaline, ego-boosting mountain peaks.

He said his life began 10 years ago when he surrendered to a higher power.

I rarely use the God reference except as shorthand for the bigger truth - it can often be laced with religious crap.

But this wise elder shifted my view a bit.

He calls his head “Busy” and his heart “Easy.” 

He makes all his life decisions from the heart, in conversation with the bigger truth.

I watched him pause a bit and look to his heart with every move and every utterance.

When he stepped to the center of the carpet (a psychodrama process), he just surrendered again and let go of another truckload of gathered grief.

He said it brought him “another step toward the big truth.”

We were all in AWE and permanently transformed.

Tough Love

My ex gave me a big dose of tough love many years ago. It changed everything.

When given from the heart, it can be extremely effective.

I gave two of my senior facilitators some tough love this weekend. 

I clearly identified a repeated behavior that I want them to work on to support their growth. 

In one case, I thought it through and gave it with some kindness, and it was appreciated and received well.

In the other case, I was distracted and pissed off, so the feedback was harsh and useless. 

I’ve subsequently made amends to the person and am looking at my own shadow projections. (I talked more about shadow projections in a previous post—feel free to check it out.)

A much-loved colleague gave me some well-considered tough love that helped me see that the feedback I was giving was more for me than the staff member.

Ouch. And thank you.

Ultimately, our best feedback comes from within, from the consequences of our own life. 

As Elizabeth Gilbert writes, “I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person finally getting tired of their own b.s.”

The Shadow of Feedback

We are judgment machines. Whenever there’s emotional discomfort, we tend to go into our heads.

The feedback we give is often accurate for others, but it is almost always more relevant for us.

It’s not big news for me, but it’s an easily forgotten no-brainer. I got a bold reminder this week.

Jung said it best: “The projection of the shadow onto others is the root of almost all conflicts.”

So, let’s all pause for a moment before we project. Take a breath and look within.

Let’s show this world that’s in significant conflict that there’s another way.

I'm offering a free 5-day awakening course called Re-parenting Yourself soon. Stay tuned for that. You’ll get a couple of extra emails about it.

This week’s premium videos and writings explore further the concept of owning our emotions and our side of the street. They are part of my online trauma healing program, Recover! Heal! Launch! Join the Premium beta community here for $8/month and be the first to get a look at the program.

With warmth and appreciation,

Bob

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