So many wake-up calls over the last few months!

As you may know, I’m a professional actor, singer, and composer. I am also a psychologist with three businesses. Okay, okay, I’m spread too thin—I’m working on it.

But anyway, I just closed a 3-man show in which I had most of the dialogue.

After 50 years of theatre, I grew more as a human being in this show than in any previous.

We need others to show us our shadow. It is hidden to us.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

110 minutes on stage with no intermission - so many lines and monologues.

It’s been a heavy lift and I was forced to see and address so many of my shadows.

Dr. Carl Jung coined the term “Shadow” to refer to the parts of us that are hidden, repressed, and denied.

It was grueling to see my shadow so clearly, but has proven profoundly meaningful in the end.

The director is also a 50-year veteran and put me through a very rigorous wringer during rehearsals.

Here are a few of the giant gifts.

• If everything’s precious, nothing is precious.

• Authenticity is cathartic for the audience and the actor.

• Authenticity is hilarious for the audience and satisfying for the actor.

• Contained emotion is powerful.

• Trying too hard is ugly.

How about those for some life lessons?

If everything’s precious, nothing is precious.

I had no idea how hard I try to make my perspective seem soooo important to others. 

I can be like that car salesman who exaggerates everything. If everything is exaggerated, nothing seems special.

This is a shadow that I had not looked at very deeply before in my life. 

It pushes people away. Do I need to be overly dramatic with everything I say? Do I need to impress you with my hyperbole, dramatic pauses, and facial expressions?

I learned this pattern as a kid. My mom lived out her abandoned creative life through me, and I learned to entertain her to distract her from her pain. She was an actress who left that dream behind. I also watched her try to impress people and make them like her by being overly expressive, which ultimately pushed away many of her relationships.

I’ve done the same, and this process was a big wake up call.

Authenticity is moving and hilarious - trying too hard is ugly.

I suppose I should have learned this after 50 years as an actor - and 35 years of recovery and trauma healing: 

There’s nothing more off-putting than phony emotions or trying to be funny. 

I thought I had learned this lesson. It’s a bit of a no-brainer in the theatre world. But another level of this dynamic was hidden from me, deep in my shadow.

The master director repeatedly told me to just say the lines, and stop making sounds and gestures to try to get a reaction.

I am tearful as I write this. How many years have I spent trying so hard to please and be loved?

Again, as a kid I got so much attention for being cute. My mom thought I was soooo special. I suppose I was, but much of the expression was for her - not for my authentic development.

My dad had a different use of the word: “Well, ain’t that cute.” I guess I didn’t listen to that feedback.

In some ways, I’ve done the same with my daughter. She’s brilliant and has fought off much of my over-the-top praise. She’s solid in her self-esteem. She’s a successful film producer - behind the camera.

In this theatre role, I learned to just be real - just say it. And the result was so satisfying for me and the audiences (three gleaming reviews btw).

I’ll continue to work on this shadow, but I’m much more conscious of it now, and I'm carrying this awareness into my everyday life.

Contained emotion is powerful.

As a therapist, I encourage feeling expression.

Most of us have buried much of our grief, fear, anger, and joy.

Reclaiming my emotions has been the main part of my healing process.

We were all told to be nice, be tough, be serious, and get it all figured out.

In therapy, feelings expression is a very important part of the healing process.

But on stage - and in life - exaggerated emotion just doesn’t get us what we want.

We all want connection and when we blast our feelings on others, it pushes them away.

That’s why we need to do the work in a therapeutic setting: to release all those old feelings.

What a beautiful and painful process it’s been to bring my emotions fully into my body, and just speak the truth with some mature containment.

Self expression is key. Containment is an equally important skill.

The Shadow:

• Hides

• It got us here 

• It tries to get our needs met

• As we grow, it needs to be given a new job

So, with support, we keep getting a better flashlight to go into our darkness and find deeper and more authentic parts of our nature.

Thanks for traveling with me on this path of awakening.

I'm offering a free 5-day awakening course called Superpowered Parenting soon. It’s about self-parenting, which is also the best skill for parenting our kids. Stay tuned for that.

This week’s premium videos and writings go further into the concept of The Shadow. They are part of a year-long healing program called Recover! Heal! Launch! - If you want to be part of the beta group to see it first and help me build it, it’s $8/month - join here.

Warmly,

Bob

P.S. Big thanks to David Jarrott at Jarrot Productions for the privilege of growing together

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