Hey There!

Welcome to this edition of The Beare Truth Newsletter. Today we’re looking at how our language keeps us stuck, and how to speak from a place of emotional clarity. What comes up first for you on this topic?

Maybe:

• “What the hell are you talking about?”

• “My language is fine just as it is.”

• “I’ve noticed a few things.”

• “Not sure I can change.”

• “Not sure I want to.”

• “Already on it.”

Our language tells us a lot about where we are on the healing path.

And, we love hearing from you. Your thoughts and comments are always welcome. Just reply to this email.

Language is among the last creative expressions that come online as children. We danced, drummed, yelled, and sang our emotions long before we put our self-expression into words. As we grow intellectually, we start to lose our emotional truth, and it is reflected in our language. It takes some intention to find our way back to the heart.

Our first use of language was spontaneous, imitative, and a way to get what we needed. As we grow our words become more of an intellectual expression.

For those of us with trauma - which is all of us - we learn to think and talk our way around uncomfortable feelings. We begin to affirm the things that were important to our sometimes dysfunctional caregivers.

If our caregivers had an unresolved sense of their own worth, they may have put a high value on a work ethic with “what a good little worker.” As adults, we may use a lot of words like “productivity”, “success”, “initiative”, “drive” and “control.” If these become our guiding mantras to the exclusion of self-care, it’s a problem.

We may have heard repeatedly that we have “potential” which can translate to an underlying sense of not being enough as we are, and a lifelong use of the phrase “I can’t” takes over.

The anxious caregiver may affirm “what a good little helper,” which is the breeding ground for codependency - a pattern of relentlessly being nice and helpful while neglecting our own needs. Then we are always “exhausted” and “stressed out.” These are euphemisms for fear and anger.

We pepper our sentences with “like”, “you know?”, “sorta”, “kinda”, and many more. These words diffuse and water down our self-expression. They are diversions from our truth which is always feeling-related. We are masterful at developing avoidant words.

We use the word “ but” which negates everything we said previously. We are great at lessening the impact of everything we say. Then there are the “To be honest”, “Quite frankly”, “100%”, and “I can’t lie” phrases that are a smokescreen for our fear and bullshit intellectualism. I went into some fun detail on that topic in a previous edition of this newsletter.

We use these words to avoid feelings, to hide what is really going on under the surface: anger, sadness, fear, and shame. Even happiness and joy are hard for some of us to express. Sometimes joy was seen as frivolous or impractical so - though we may deny it - we put high value on struggling and suffering.

When we’re uncomfortable, we use words that end in “ed.” “Disrespected” and “Frustrated” are not feelings and they refer to something outside of us. These words are not an expression of a natural internal feeling. They are instead a judgment which is an intellectual process. The feeling is probably anger.

Using feeling words is not nitpicky. It is extremely practical. If we can identify an actual sensation in our body related to an emotion, we can do something with it. Tension in the chest may be anger or fear. Tightness in the throat may be grief. We turn our attention away from the outside world - which we cannot change - and turn it toward our inner experience over which we have some influence.

As we heal, we trade our intellectual mask for emotional clarity. We let go of our dance with unhealthy family and friends and choose more interaction with healthy circles of people doing inner work. A more genuine self-expression starts to emerge.

We say “I’m angry” when we feel it. Then as we notice that no one dies from our truth, we try it again. Eventually, this way of expressing ourselves becomes natural and it is not so awkward. We learn that it was condescending of us to think “They just can’t handle my truth.” In actuality, we were choosing people who couldn’t handle it. It was convenient.

Another great mask is the phony smile and laugh. Many of us have learned to smile or joke instead of expressing appropriate anger. As we realize that when we are emotionally honest, the right people stay and the right people atrophy, we gain freedom toward authenticity. And a genuine joy begins to emerge.

I have struggled through all of the above language blockades to growth. I still do. You may find some of them in this writing! It’s a process and I’m teaching what I need to learn here.

Feeling words are in the body, and the mere utterance of “I’m sad” or “I’m scared” can unlock long-buried pain. We won’t be good at it at first. It won’t feel great at first. It is an important part of the process of becoming fully authentic.

With support, we let go of the head game and focus on the emotions in our bodies. Though it is not necessary to become a “word cop” every time we use superficial language, the awareness, and discomfort can turn us toward our authentic feelings. This is the pathway to genuine self-expression and the life we truly desire.

1. Get Support: This has many meanings. But mostly, find a support group to let go of the many ways we self-medicate and maintain a chaotic life. Our intellectual language is an emotion-numbing drug and the recovery process is similar. The rooms of recovery are full of others who are letting go of their self-defeating language. Here’s a long list of free and by-donation support.

2. Start Journaling Your Feelings: Begin or expand daily journaling practice. Set aside time each day to put your feelings onto paper. Don't censor yourself; let the emotions flow freely. We will never be perfect with our language, and we aren’t trying to do so. Journaling is the most effective place to gain awareness of our truth and the ways we obscure our authentic expression. See my book The Creative Fire for more on this. There is an entire chapter on this topic.

3. For practice, say these out loud:

   “I’m angry” and breathe.

   “I’m scared” and breathe

   “I’m sad” and breathe

   “I’m joyful” and breathe.

   Notice what comes up for you. Write it in your journal and share it with your healthy circle.

   An Affirmation: 

   Today, I am noticing my language. I am becoming increasingly aware of the ways I avoid feeling. I seek and allow support to express my anger, sadness, fear, and joy.

1. Do you notice some words and phrases that might be limiting you?

2. What are some ways you can make a change without shaming yourself?

3. What feeling can you find in your body? Mad, Sad, Glad, Scared?

4. What feelings are hard for you to find?

5. Do you have people in your life with whom you can say “I’m angry”, “I’m sad”, or “I’m scared” without trying to fix you? Or advise you? Or worse, shame you? As we heal, we gather healthy folks around us who are able to handle emotions.

There are many resources to begin or expand our healing. Please go to this link: Recovery and Trauma Resources

I give very specific guidance for all of this in these two books  Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma and The Creative Fire: 10 Weeks to Emotional and Creative Fitness

So glad to be on the healing path with you. Please reply to this email with your comments.

With joy and appreciation,

Bob

P.S. Share your process of authenticity with us! We'd love to hear your stories and insights. Connect on social media (see links above and below), and please reply to this email with your comments! Your participation helps us all connect in this community. And let us know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, we sure will.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book STOP DOING SH*T YOU DON’T WANT TO DO is out now! Get it here. Browse the book and write a great review here. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to get to the top of Amazon’s list. And, the Audiobook version is coming soon. You’ll be the first to get the promo edition. THANK YOU!!!

From our last The Beare Truth Newsletter on “Being Nice.” Here are some of your great comments:

Matt shares how rage can break through the nice-guy exterior.

Serafina shares how generational trauma has affected her journey.