Lying - My Old Friend

Hello, Truth Seekers!

Welcome to this edition of The Beare Truth Newsletter. Today we're peeling back the layers on a topic that we all encounter in life - lying. It's a behavior most often associated with deceit, but its roots can be more complex than we think.

So, fasten your seat belts; we're about to explore some intriguing insights. And remember, this is a DIALOGUE! Your thoughts and comments are always welcome.

Lying - What’s the big deal?

Lying is bad, right? You and I are not liars. Of course not. We’re good people. Yeah, right. We all lie - or if you prefer - hide, misrepresent, exaggerate, or wear a mask.

It’s not “bad.” It is a trauma response that most of us learned long ago. It got us here and if you’re on the healing path, you are in the process of coming out of hiding.

Lying is a defense mechanism, a shield born out of situations where we had to misrepresent our true emotions to survive or to fit in. And we often choose relationships that are less than emotionally honest.

I did a survey on ‘What is the biggest factor that destroys relationships?’ and ‘lying’ was far and away the winner. I guess there is a lot of hurt in us from the lies we’ve been told by the people closest to us and/or how we’ve chosen to believe them.

Maybe the biggest hurt is the lies we’ve told ourselves that have kept us from living our most authentic lives.

What comes to mind when you think about being lied to - or lying to yourself or others?

Consider

What if lying is part of what got us here? In recovery rooms, we say things like, “Alcohol (food, work, codependency, etc.) got us here. It worked to hide the pain until it didn’t.” Maybe the masks we’ve worn were necessary. Maybe they are becoming less so.

Imagine lying as a mask that we have used to protect ourselves – an armor that shields us from judgment, ridicule, or further harm. Our relationships, career choices and even our sense of self can be deeply influenced by this pattern.

Research shows that individuals who've experienced trauma, especially childhood trauma, are more likely to resort to lying as a coping mechanism. It stems from a fear of rejection or a desperate need for approval.

Are there instances where you've found yourself resorting to dishonesty, even when the truth would have been easier?

Or lying, just out of habit? In the rooms of AA we acknowledge and laugh at all the lies we’ve told when we were self-medicating. “I say I’m going to CVS when I know I’m really going to Walgreens!” For many of us, it’s not just a generic brand issue like calling a Puff’s tissue Kleenex. It is a lie, just out of habit!

Sometimes our language tells the tale of our individual style of mask-wearing. Here are a few qualifying phrases that might be clues that we or others are hiding a bit:

• Honestly

• Quite frankly

• To be honest

• To be candid

• In all sincerity

• If truth be told

• I don’t wanna lie

• To tell you the truth

• To be completely transparent

What was I doing before I proclaimed all of this frankness and sincerity? These phrases are not the end of the world but point to a certain need to control our expressions of emotional truth.

Do you use any of these phrases? If so, ask yourself why. I catch myself using a variety of this kind of language, and the awareness has become an opportunity to look within. I have a lot of tricky little ways to mask what I’m really feeling, How about these:

• "I can’t go out to dinner with the Millers, I’m too busy." No. Joe Miller is always trying to one-up me and it pisses me off.

• “I don’t want to play sports anymore, I’m interested in something new now.” - No. I’m afraid I will not win.

• “I can’t help you with your project. I’m too busy.” - Really, I’m afraid you will see I’m a fraud.

Being busy, taking care of my kids, and “feeling under the weather” are my favorite little lies and exaggerations. What are your favorites?

I used to think the world would fall apart if I said what was emotionally true for me. I learned it a long time ago when there was already some chaos in my family system, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Being sad, angry, or scared was not always welcomed.

As an adult, it’s more than a little condescending to think people are going to rattle apart if I’m real. Especially people on the healing path. Healthy people welcome the emotional truth like a breath of fresh air. It may be a better choice than lying - if we’re committed to growth. But, we need to choose healthy people in our lives who can handle it. Don’t make me quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men again!

Solutions

So, how do we shift from the cycle of dishonesty to a life of authenticity?

Self-Awareness: Recognize your patterns of dishonesty. Understand the reasons behind your inclination to lie. Look at the origins of the pattern. When did it begin? What lies have become a part of your self-narrative?

Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. We all lie in our unique and creative ways. We are all from families with some dysfunction. Hiding and lying are effective coping mechanisms for navigating around chaos. Also, dysfunction breeds trauma which breeds shame, and lying can be a way to hide that shame. Surround yourself with compassionate individuals who can help you challenge your negative self-perceptions. Where do you need to show yourself more kindness?

Emotional Integrity: Cultivate a commitment to putting yourself in circles of people who tell the emotional truth. It will become increasingly normalized for you. Understand that while lying might have provided a temporary escape, it leads to more complex problems down the line. Emotional Integrity involves acknowledging anger, fear, sadness, and shame. It is in the body, and when we acknowledge it and speak it out loud, we are transforming our lodged trauma. Some of us need to let some joy out as well which can feel extremely vulnerable. Practice emotional honesty in your journal and with people you trust for support. Where can you choose emotional truth today?

Courage: Exposing your authentic self - imperfections and all - takes courage. Understand that vulnerability isn't a weakness; it's a strength. It takes more courage to express honest emotion than to be tough or shut down. What fears hold you back from being truthful?

Support: Healing from trauma and breaking the cycle of emotional dishonesty requires support. We have to be in circles of people who welcome and model emotional expression. Join a 12-step fellowship, get a good therapist, get in a process group, or do a trauma healing workshop. Click here for resources. Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Where do you need support in your journey towards emotional honesty?

Questions for You

1. What lies have you been telling yourself about the world due to past trauma?

2. What lies have you been telling yourself ABOUT YOURSELF?

3. What emotion is most hidden? Mad? Sad? Glad? Scared?

4. How has hiding your true self influenced your decisions and interactions?

5. What steps have you taken to cultivate honesty in your life?

6. Can you recall an instance where choosing honesty over a lie significantly impacted your well-being?

   Please reply to this email with your comments!

Remember, our journey toward healing is unique, but we're not alone in it. By understanding the dynamics of lying, honesty, and emotional healing, we can create a more compassionate, genuine, and empowered path for ourselves and those around us.

Thank you for being part of this conversation. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences.

Until next time, be kind to yourself and remember – your emotions are valid and your story matters.

Your advocate for living from the heart,

Bob

P.S. Please, let’s have a dialogue. Reply and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to this topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book is out now! It is at a promo price for a short time: GET YOUR 99-CENT COPY HERE. Browse the book and WRITE AN AMAZING REVIEW HERE. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to get to the top of Amazon’s list. THANK YOU!!!

Last time we looked at how trauma is running the whole show. Here are some of your great comments:

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Scott F. shared some of his recovery journey: