Hey there Truth Seeker,

Welcome to The Beare Truth Newsletter.

In this edition we’ll look at:

• How negative self-talk is keeping us stuck.

• How positivity is only a temporary fix.

• How to get to the roots.

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is make peace between your ears. Once you do that, you’re free.” ― Brittany Burgunder 

This is a follow-up to last week’s newsletter on shame.

Do some self-research with me here: If you’re a writer, and you notice a published misspelling or grammatical error, what do you say to yourself? If you’re a golfer, what do you say to yourself when you hit a bad shot? How about when you are sick and aren’t as productive? What do you say to yourself when you are under stress of any kind and make a mistake?

Think about it for a minute.

These are direct clues to what needs to be healed.

The way we talk to ourselves is running our lives. Most of it is unconscious. If we become more conscious of these intrusive thoughts, we are on the path to healing.

Consider

Andre Agassi, the tennis pro said he was constantly hating himself in his head. He said that changing this pattern was the hardest - and greatest - improvement he was able to make in his life and in his game.

Here’s the bad news. Just being positive works for about a minute. It’s very popular to just smile and affirm your way to success. Positivity is a bandaid that can keep us above water for a bit, but will not lead to sustainable change. We have to go to the roots.

This positivity obsession is sometimes called spiritual bypass - trying to intellectually “bypass” our underlying wounds. Karl Forehand wrote, “Spiritual bypassing separates us from our humanity and all its messiness and struggles and pain and It makes us feel good briefly.”

These negative messages we carry about ourselves are a result of unexpressed emotions that are stored in our bodies: Anger, resentment, pain, grief, fear, and shame. Most of us started storing these emotions when we were young.

As children, we felt many emotions but were often told to suppress them, or it was obvious they were not welcome - or in some cases they were beaten into submission. What feelings were not openly expressed or were discouraged in your early years?

Children take on the dysfunction of their surroundings and blame themselves. As we discussed in our previous newsletter - this is called shame. Shame drives these intellectual self-batterings.

To make sense of it all, children begin to formulate a perspective on themselves and the world that is skewed. Our language is a great clue to finding these buried wounds.

When we are under stress, these feelings come up and we call ourselves names. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to others. For the most part, we don’t even realize we are doing it.

My favorite self-shaming messages are, “You dumb sonofabitch” and “What an idiot.” I grew up in a mostly loving home - with blasts of blaming and conflict. As all children do when they are vulnerable and trying to make sense of it all, I took it on as my fault. I’ve begun to notice these messages more and more. Paying attention to these inner utterances is key to healing.

My brother has a poster at his lakehouse that says, “I’m sorry for the things I said when I was docking the boat.” We all have stressful situations, and if we pay attention, these moments can become great doorways for what needs to be healed.

If we take a moment and ask ourselves: “When did I start feeling this way about myself?” If we stay with the question, we will remember times when we were vulnerable and took on the reality around us…moments when we ingested a negative sense of who we are.

There is a child within us who hears everything we think and say. Would you say these things to a beloved child? Of course not. It should be uncomfortable to know that we are talking to the child within us when we hate on ourselves. 

As we continue on this path of inner healing, and release some of the emotional pressure, we begin to lighten up. We quit the intellectual beating up of ourselves. We develop more and more self-compassion. 

We must become our own best friends and our own loving parents. With support, it becomes a doorway to freedom in all areas of our lives.

As a reminder, you are part of a growing community here. We all have self-talk that is holding us back and most don’t even know it! This is a community forum for dialogue. Your insights on this topic are valuable. Please reply with your experience and comments.

An Affirmation

Today, I am noticing my negative self-talk. I am looking honestly at my old wounds and accessing my grief and a deeper joy. I am learning to be kind to myself and the golden child within me.

Solutions

1. Support: Negative messages are a result of trauma that is lodged in the body. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal your inner child. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.

2. Notice your inner dialogue: When you make a mistake, what names do you call yourself? When under stress, try to listen to your inner dialogue - it’s a map that will lead you directly to your buried trauma and carried shame. I’ve written extensively about how to heal from these messages in my new book, Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

Questions for Growth

Take this into your journal.

1. What do you say to yourself when you make mistakes?

2. What memories come up when you think of when you first felt this way?

3. Have you attempted the spiritual bypass approach? Was it a short-term fix?

4. What is your healing process? Do you have a group, coach, or therapist that helps you look honestly at trauma, shame, and negative messages?

Affirmations alone will not heal the old wounds. We can’t heal by intellectual positivity. Grief work and deep healing are required. As we access and release the buried pain, we will find authentic, sustainable, and supportive self-talk.

With appreciation,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)

2. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here.  The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! 

3. Get ready for premium! Within the next month, we will be rolling out a premium subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!

From our previous newsletter on Shame, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: