Hey there Truth Seeker,

Welcome to The Beare Truth Newsletter.

In this edition we’ll look at:

• How shame is the source of most of our problems.

• Where does it come from?

• How to let it go.

“Shame is a soul-eating emotion.” ― Carl Jung

We are all trying to figure out what holds us back - that thing that keeps us from success, prosperity, and satisfying relationships. We know we have messages in our head that are detrimental and we’ve tried to get rid of them…and they return like weeds in a garden.

Shame doesn’t have to run our lives, but we have to understand how it was formed, how it has taken over, and do some work to let it go. Let’s take a deeper look.

Consider

At this point most of us know we have trauma - mild or severe - but how is trauma related to my success? I surveyed 550 people who are doing inner work and they said that shame is the number one result of trauma.

Shame is often described as an emotion - like anger, sadness, and fear. These natural emotions are reactions to external events. Shame is different. Shame is not a natural emotion. It is a burden we carry that has been passed to us by others. Shame is handed to us like a baton in a relay race.

Especially when we were young - 0-8 years old - we were sponges for everything that happened. We saw the world as a part of us. We had not yet separated ourselves as autonomous people.

When our dysfunctional caregivers were engaged in conflict, and there was no explanation or love toward us, we blamed ourselves. We did not say, “Dad needs a therapist” or “Mom needs an AA meeting.” When caregivers have unresolved trauma and shame, they are unable to take responsibility, so the child takes it on.

Without any other explanation, and as these conflicts were repeated, we took on the idea and sense that we had caused the problems - aka shame. We started to say to ourselves, “I am bad” and “It’s all my fault.” It becomes an internalized - mostly unconscious - part of our personality.

Shame is different than guilt. Guilt is a natural emotional response when we behave outside of our values. Shame is a deeper sense that we are inherently flawed.

As children are forming their values, they require some guidance. But when they are repeatedly disciplined with anger, punished physically, or are left to make sense of the dysfunction on their own, shame takes over.

In conflictual situations when we did not get appropriate love and support, we took on shame and told ourselves, “I am not good enough” and “I’m too flawed to be loved.” Shame is passed from one person to another, and it remains lodged in the body and drives our thinking. Our thinking about ourselves and the world becomes skewed.

In my childhood, I took on the idea that I was responsible for everyone’s entertainment - to distract from the conflict. I became a professional actor - and a professional codependent.

Also, there were many arguments and tension about money and no healthy conversations about it, so I internalized the belief that prosperity was not possible for me and that finances were trouble. It’s taken a lot of work to let that one go.

If we are unconscious of our unresolved trauma, we will pass the shame to people around us with comments and behaviors. Children are constantly ingesting the unresolved shame of adults. “Where’d you get an idea like that?” “What’s wrong with you?” “After all I’ve done for you." “You’re just like your Father/Mother.”

Sometimes the shame is delivered in a nice package: “But you have so much potential” - one of the many veiled ways to let a kid know they are no good as they are. Usually, the delivery of shame is from someone unhappy with their own lives.

As adults with shame, we are like children. We remain vulnerable. We continue to take on - and deliver - more and more of these messages. When it’s passed through families it’s called Generational Trauma. As the trauma stacks on top of the trauma within an individual, it is called Complex Trauma. It runs the entire show.

It’s generational and complex, yes. But not impossible to heal.

Eventually, the pain gets strong enough and we seek help. We must look at the messages we carry, find the shame in our bodies, and discharge the pain and grief. With continued work, we get back on our authentic track - no longer driven by those old messages.

In my workshops, I have participants say: “It’s not my shame” with a strong voice. Sounds simple but it is a powerful statement, especially after doing some deep grief work. Just as a child needs to hear, “It’s not your fault”, we can re-parent ourselves with, “It’s not my shame.” Also, there is something about the phrase that can bring up a cleansing form of grief when spoken with sincerity.

This kind of inner work requires a lifestyle shift. Healing from shame is not an event. It is a process and a lifestyle. It gets better - one day at a time.

As a reminder, you are part of a growing community here. Trauma is widely misunderstood and this is a forum for dialogue. Your insights are valuable. Please reply with your experience and comments.

An Affirmation

Today, I am aware of the messages that hold me back. I am getting support to allow the grief to come forward and heal my trauma and shame. I am letting go of the shame that was passed to me. I am living my life boldly and lovingly.

Solutions

1. Start or deepen your healing process: Shame is lodged in the body. Find a body-oriented trauma healer. Get in an experiential group. Heal your inner child. An amazing community group that focuses on inner child healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). Consider The Deep Waters Experience or another of the programs on this list: Recovery and Trauma Resources.

2. Notice your inner dialogue: When you make a mistake, what names do you call yourself? When under stress, try to listen to your inner dialogue - it’s a map for carried shame. I’ve written extensively about how to heal trauma and shame in my new book, Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

Questions for Growth

Take this into your journal.

1. When under stress, what is your inner dialogue?

2. What were the themes of conflict in your childhood?

3. Do you have any memories of incidents that induced shame?

4. What choices are you making to let go of trauma and shame?

5. What progress have you noticed?

When those messages come up, say “It’s not my shame!” Repeat it. You’ll feel silly at first. But then, I promise you’ll like it. It’s not your shame and there’s no reason to hang on to it.

With much warmth,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Reply to this email with your experience and insights on this topic (Let me know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, I sure will!)

2. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do is out now! Get it here. And write an amazing review here.  The Audiobook version is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! 

3. Get ready for premium! Within the next month we will be rolling out a premium subscription option with more tools and insight. Stay tuned for more info!

From previous newsletters on I Don’t Know Shit, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: