What are you feeling?

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• Why most of us struggle to name feelings

• How language helps us avoid - or access emotion

• What happens when feelings stay buried

• Learning to speak honestly

There was a poster on my first therapist’s wall.

She kept pointing at it to try to help me past the blank stare.

“What are you feeling, Bob?”

I usually picked the ones that weren’t actually feelings.

Like, “Disrespected,” “Misunderstood,” and “Blamed.”

It was a good start but the feelings were actually angry, sad, and scared.

Eventually I started looking beyond the intellectualizations, and into my emotional body.

It took a while.

I was a tough case.

Why naming feelings is hard

One of the first skills of emotional intelligence is knowing what we’re feeling and where it lives in the body.

That sounds basic.

For most of us, it wasn’t taught.

We were taught how to think, explain, perform, and manage.

Looking inward was rarely part of the curriculum.

A lot of people can tell you exactly what someone else did wrong.

Far fewer can say, “I feel hurt,” or “I feel scared,” and actually notice where that feeling lives.

How language helps us avoid emotion

We say “it feels like…” all the time.

But that phrase often leads us straight into judgment.

“It feels like I’m being bullied.”
“It feels like you’re abandoning me.”
“It feels like I’m being rejected.”

Those are interpretations.

The actual feeling is usually something simpler and harder to say.

Hurt. Anger. Fear. Sadness.

Words ending in “ed” can do the same thing.

Disrespected. Rejected. Betrayed.

They often keep us focused on someone else instead of helping us identify what’s happening inside our own body.

It may sound like a small distinction.

It’s not.

What happens when feelings stay buried

Many of us learned early that naming emotions wasn’t welcome.

Saying “I’m angry” may have been dangerous.

Crying may have been mocked.

Fear may have been treated like weakness.

Even joy could be shut down in certain environments.

So we learned to intellectualize.

We talked around our emotions instead of feeling them.

That pressure builds.

Buried anger turns explosive.

Buried sadness can look like depression.

Buried fear shows up as anxiety.

Anything under pressure eventually finds a way out.

Learning to speak honestly

If we want authentic lives, we have to get better at naming what’s actually happening.

“I feel sad.”
“I feel angry.”
“I feel afraid.”
“I feel joy.”

Simple language.

Honest language.

And then we notice where it lives in the body.

The chest. The gut. The throat. The heart.

That practice clears space.

It helps emotion move instead of getting trapped.

And when the channel is clear, life feels different.

There’s more honesty. More connection. More joy.

It helps to have supportive people on the healing psth.

Peope who use the language of feeling.

It helps us know were not alone with this process.

There’s great freedom is a step out of head and into the heart.

Out of isolation and into support.

And, that kind of freedom is worth learning a new language.

It’s an important topic and I’d like to hear your thoughts and feelings? Let me know. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

The Inner Work Community is opening soon. We meet for a live process group twice a month, you’ll get daily affirmations, and free video programs. It’s a great group of folks healing together.

With and open heart,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is opening soon. Find out more here.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

__________________________________________________________

Tired of news that feels like noise?

Every day, 4.5 million readers turn to 1440 for their factual news fix. We sift through 100+ sources to bring you a complete summary of politics, global events, business, and culture — all in a brief 5-minute email. No spin. No slant. Just clarity.

Join for free today!