Tough, Smart?

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• Shame blocks confidence

• The shame is not ours

• Why thinking and toughing it out won’t fix it

• What is authentic confidence

I was the worst.

Trying to posture my way out of shame.

I also tried many ways to self-medicate my way to confidence.

Many train wrecks later, I had to surrender and find something real.

It was time to start digging myself out of the shame I had avoided looking at.

When I started to wake up - like many of us - I tried to think my way out of shame.

Reading. Analyzing. Trying to see myself differently.

After many years of working with people who are stuck - I know I’m not alone.

It takes a certain kind of support to begin the inner work.

Some of us tried to behave our way out of it.

We acted stronger. More certain. More put together.

Those approaches can help for a while.

They’re better than pretending nothing’s wrong.

But they don’t last.

That’s because shame doesn’t live in the head.

It lives in the body.

How we learned to carry other people’s shame

When we were young, we didn’t have perspective.

If there was chaos in the house, we assumed it was our fault.

If someone was angry, distant, or unpredictable, we personalized it.

Kids don’t think, Something is off in this system.

They think, Something is wrong with me.

So we adapted.

We became what was needed.

We hid parts of ourselves.

We learned how to be acceptable.

Those adaptations often follow us into adulthood.

Why thinking and toughing it out won’t fix it

When shame is stored in the body, it changes how we see everything.

Ourselves. Other people. The world.

No wonder confidence feels hard.

We’re carrying pain that didn’t originate with us and trying to live as someone we’re not.

That takes a lot of energy.

Real change happens when the emotional weight starts to move—anger, grief, fear.

The things that were never safe to feel at the time.

With real support, that pressure begins to release.

And only then does the thinking work have something solid to land on.

How authentic confidence grows

Confidence grows out of being at home in yourself.

We must put ourselves in circles of people doing the inner work.

We begin to live in a way that matches who we actually are, not who we’ve learned to be to survive.

When our inner life and outer life stop fighting each other, something settles.

We stop performing. Stop forcing. Start trusting ourselves.

That’s real confidence, not just bravado.

And that kind of confidence doesn’t have to announce itself.

I’ve created a free 5-day course for you to start that work: Click here: Emotional Integrity 101. 

Have you struggled to find confidence? I’d love to hear from you. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Still workin’ on it!,

Bob

PS. Get my free 5-day course here: Emotional Integrity 101.

PPS. The Inner Work Community will open again soon, and we’ll only accept 10 new members this time around. Get on the waitlist here.

PPPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience