Just let it go. Sounds easy.

But letting go of the death grip I had on my old patterns was the toughest thing I’ve ever done.

They guaranteed me it would bring a more vivid experience of life. They were right. Who are they? The many people in recovery and deep healing work who lit the way to freedom.

And it’s become a daily process (simple but not easy) that has brought me everything that I had been trying to force into being.

“Yes, I know what you’re holding onto is important. Will you miss out on today’s wonder because you’re too preoccupied with holding on to things beyond your control?”

―  Melody Beattie

These old patterns are deeply ingrained in our unconscious and create conflict in relationships, block our prosperity, and more. We must have access to our authentic expression if we want to find a sense of meaning and peace.

We can’t just force ourselves to change. We’ve tried that, right? Another way to talk about this is that we have a dependency to holding on. Just as an addict has to have his/her drug, many of us are addicted to controlling people, places, and things to be at ease.

Unfortunately, we never get to be at ease for very long. We develop what we call in the addiction world “tolerance.” Just as the addict needs another hit, more frequently, with a stronger dose, we find ourselves controlling more and more. And eventually, we are never “at ease” at all.

This is a common dynamic. It doesn’t help to beat ourselves up about it. Remember, this pattern of holding on tightly to our dysfunctional patterns got us here. We developed it when we were young to survive. So it is not useful to shame ourselves. Blaming ourselves or others stops the healing process.

As kids, we learned to do whatever it took to manage our world. This is where our patterns begin. From the third trimester to 8 years old we were extremely vigilant and vulnerable to emotional fluctuations in the adults. This dynamic had a strong influence on us, and we carry this sense of worry into our adult lives.

If we are from particularly chaotic homes or if the adults were emotionally shut down, we became experts at noticing even the slightest changes in our environment. Now, as a lifestyle, it can be exhausting.

The good news is that there is a lot of support for transforming these patterns. We don’t have to do this on our own. If we can surrender a bit, and take some direction, we can begin to heal and change the behaviors that are no longer working.

The bad news is that most of us tough, smart, fixers, advisers, and solution experts don’t like to ask for help. “We got this” and “I’m fine” and “I can figure this out on my own.” The real fear that drives this thinking is that someone might interrupt this pattern we “hold” so dear. Someone might take away our “drug.” As mentioned, it’s pretty simple, but not by any means easy.

Eventually, we get sufficiently sick and tired of being sick and tired. We lose enough relationships and jobs or just get in enough pain from living half of a life to surrender and ask for some help.

Most of us don’t come into recovery dancing and singing. The pain gets sufficient to help us let go and begin to take some direction. But if we’re willing, a big 180º turn is on the horizon.

We immediately feel relief as we realize that most humans are holding on for dear life in one way or another. Sometimes we call that initial relief “the pink cloud” and it is a well-earned vacation from the controlling.

There will be rough roads ahead as we unravel the internal and external damage created by living a life that was not fully authentic. But as we unpack our pain and connect with others, we find that peace we’ve been chasing since we were small.

When I started this healing journey, I had no idea there was so much help available. I was pretty sure those 12-step programs were a punishment. Or they were only for those guys under the bridge. But I’ve found a community of the most creative, vibrant, and healthy people I’ve ever known. If you’re not struggling with letting go of substances, these programs are very effective for the letting go process: adultchildren.org and coda.org

I found programs, workshops, somatic therapy, and so much more that have helped me make a complete 180 from that exhausting lone-wolf existence I once knew. Here are a few resources if you’re interested in trying something different: Resources

This week’s Premium videos and other content offer a deeper look at this big topic of “Letting Go”. Please join me at Recover! Heal! Launch!

AN AFFIRMATION

“Today, with support, I am learning to feel the pain and grief I’ve avoided. I am letting go. I am letting go. I am letting go. I am allowing a sweet freedom and a particular flavor of joy to take over my life.”

Letting go together,

Bob

To keep your healing alive, engage with this community, and support my efforts to rally this movement of healing:

1. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Get it here. Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro! (Free if you subscribe to Premium).

2. Resources. You can go here for recovery and healing resources.

3. Premium. Subscribe to Premium here for videos, worksheets, webinars with Bob, and more.

4. Reply. I would love to hear your experience, strength, and hope. Just reply to this email. We publish a monthly roundup of reader responses.

   

Subscribe to Dr. Bob's Premium Healing Programs to read the rest.