“Fight and never surrender.” This was once my mantra. It fueled my drive and determination, but it also kept me trapped in a cycle of suffering.

I was fighting against myself, against my emotions, and against the world.

This week we continue the discussion on the ways we’ve self-medicated, isolated, fought relentlessly, and resisted support.

Drugs, alcohol, work, food, sex, love, codependency - It all got us here, but for most of us, it was not a sustainable solution.

Let’s dive into this much-avoided topic - Surrender.

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure. We must give up the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

- Joseph Campbell

I was fighting to hold onto the little bit of consciousness I had. I fought for my ideas. I fought for my lifestyle which was run by self-medication and anything that would prevent me from feeling. It stopped working. I woke up every morning wondering why I was even doing this thing called life.  

I had never been exposed to the concept of healthy surrender. My dad was a genuine tough guy—literally the hardest human I’ve ever known. His body was like stone, and until his later years, so was his personality.

When I finally could utter those most loathsome words, “I need help,” a new world appeared briefly. I remained shut down however until my relationship finally crumbled, which turned me into a big ball of grief. 

Surrender is not a useful concept when in battle, but most of us are not engaged in combat daily. For those of us still in the corporate world, in conflictual relationships, or obsessed with success, surrender may be a hard concept to embrace. But, as a lifestyle, the conquering warrior approach is not sustainable and will not bring peace or anything that resembles true life satisfaction.

Most of us who revere the battle and winning were raised with that mindset and have just continued the rhythm. Or, you developed the fight mechanism for survival. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you haven’t already hit some walls and if you weren't already on a different path. We know that surrendering to a more authentic lifestyle that includes emotional expression is required.

We can’t do recovery alone. The lone-wolf thing must be discarded. The isolation that we have developed as self-protection must be transformed. Yes, we are powerful and capable.  But true power and strength come from a different source than we have been conditioned to believe. It requires vulnerability.

If you do a scholarly search for “Vulnerability” (which I did extensively in my doctoral work) you will find that most of the research is on how to avoid it. How to be “safe.” We’ve all been hurt in many ways, and safety is important. But most of us have taken that concept way beyond what’s healthy.

Brene’ Brown, the researcher on shame, defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk-taking, and emotional exposure” and further found that “...vulnerability is the greatest measure of courage.” This is a very different way to look at strength. 

It doesn’t take much reflection to see that being vulnerable takes much more courage than being tough. Tough is easy. We all have experienced trauma, mild or severe. We have all been betrayed. And in many ways, we have learned to see the world as an unfriendly place. This is why vulnerability seems so risky.

So, we have to approach that uncomfortable place called emotions if we want to heal. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s required if we want freedom. We must let that much-repressed grief come forward and allow the deeper parts of ourselves some room for expression. Again, we can’t do it alone. It takes support.

There are many ways to begin or extend this practice. Therapy is a great place to start. Even talk therapy is a way to get some of the surface thinking out of our way so healing can begin. However, beneath all the talk is a giant well of emotion, creativity, and a new kind of power.

Somatic work is the best and fastest way to reclaim ourselves. These processes interrupt our deeply ingrained pattern of intellectualization and turn our awareness to our body. Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing (SE) writes, “The body is our greatest ally in the healing process, as it holds the wisdom and resources necessary for healing.”

All of the memories and hurts that we’ve tried to avoid are in the body. We must go below our habit of trying to think and muscle our way through problems and access our most authentic expression.

We think we will be rejected if we express our anger and grief, but I promise if you put yourself in groups of people doing this work, you will be admired and appreciated for your courage. 

The big bonus of being emotionally open is that doing this work empowers others to do the same. If you’re interested in helping the world transcend the many problems we face, this is the biggest contribution you can make.

There are many 12-step programs, trauma healing workshops, and somatic therapists that can get you started or deepen your healing practice, See my resource list.

It is not a punishment. Many think that recovery programs are a sentence for bad behavior. The cultural shame about being in recovery is rampant. It’s bullshit and keeps many from accessing support. If you’re ready to surrender the ways that have not been working, there is massive support. 

This week’s Premium videos and other content take this exploration much deeper. Please join me at Recover! Heal! Launch!

AN AFFIRMATION

“Today, I am letting go. I am noticing how I hold on and try to control my world. I am laying down my sword and finding healthy surrender”.

With warmth,

Bob

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