We all want to be authentic. We know it will spark our most vivid and satisfying life. But we hate the idea that it requires emotional transparency. The V-word - Vulnerability.

We can’t just choose it. We are too ingrained in our self-protection for that. We must put ourselves in circles of people who are committed to this way of life.

This week, I’m sharing the path that has worked best for me. Glad you’re here.

“No one reaches out to you for compassion or empathy so you can teach them how to behave better. They reach out to us because they believe in our capacity to know our darkness well enough to sit with the darkness in them.”

Brené Brown.

If you do a scholarly search for the word vulnerability, it will show thousands of articles on how to avoid it at all costs. I did my doctoral work on the subject and had to dig deeply for the research related to emotional openness.

Only in the last couple of decades with the work of John Bradshaw, Alice Miller, Brene’ Brown, Pia Melody, Melody Beattie, and others has the concept become a positive reference and is now central to healing work.

What is the one common factor for each of these visionaries? They all worked an active recovery program - yes, 12-step recovery. These groups are misunderstood, underrated, often maligned, graduate programs in reclaiming authenticity.

You can’t learn to be emotionally open from a book, a lecture, or thinking extensively about it. Nothing teaches us to access vulnerability more than experiencing someone else's vulnerability. It is a rare and effective environment for transformation. Being open, honest, and emotionally transparent is modeled boldly in those recovery rooms. This is why it works - and it is also why people avoid and disparage the process. We deeply fear vulnerability

The reason addiction is so hard to treat is that the main symptom is that we refuse to believe we have it. Denial has served us well. It has protected us from feeling the old buried pain. Until the pain breaks through, we will continue to blame our problems on everything except the actual culprit - the addictive behavior.

We must be around others who are slowly coming out of this delusional state. No prescription or cognitive therapy is strong enough to overcome our locked-down refusal to see reality. Only the emotionally connected stories of others can crumble our resistance.

Many have tried AA or other programs and said, “It didn’t work for me.” Well, it doesn’t “work” for anyone. We have to do the work, which requires a lot of writing, self-disclosure, and the much-avoided previously mentioned V-word.

IT’S NOT JUST FOR THOSE “BAD” ADDICTS! There are over forty 12-step programs including Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACA) and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) which are for everyone. We are all from imperfect families. There is no blaming involved in the process, just healing.

Many struggle with the idea of God in these programs. I’ve had my own dance with that. But there’s no requirement to adopt a traditional concept of God. For some, it’s simply shorthand for letting go of control (aka vulnerability) and learning to trust. For those of us with childhood trauma, trust is tough. But with time and commitment, control loosens, and emotional honesty emerges.

These programs are where I learned to open up and begin to tell my emotional truth. It’s not the only way, of course. Therapy is another path, but the best therapists engage in their own inner work, often within these very programs. The very best are aware of their limitations and regularly refer clients to recovery programs.

What has kept these programs alive and growing for nearly 100 years? Partly because it is the easier way. After we’ve experienced enough suffering by doing it “our way”, getting support and telling the truth is truly the easier path. It is a sustainable solution for problems that humanity has suffered with since the beginning.

It is also the most inexpensive way. The principles and traditions are followed to the letter, especially regarding money and leadership. It’s a pass-the-basket kind of program -give what’s possible. The programs are self-sustaining, taking no outside contributions. And the leadership is only for administrative purposes. There are no gurus or leaders, and no one is making money in these programs.

Again, there are many options. I’m told some people with a variety of dependencies have found sobriety and peace through church and/or therapy. I’m not sure I’ve met any of these people. I’ve found these options to be good support, but limited in their ability to sustainably address addiction and emotional control issues.

I’m sharing this with you because I’m continually surprised by the misinformation and how little awareness there is about this resource. After 30-plus years of healing work and recovery - 12-step programs have been my bedrock, and I’ve seen magic happen there for thousands.

I’ve learned that trying to pray, think, or muscle my way to success is useless. The work of vulnerability has given me the freedom to surrender some ego control and embrace a more open, connected life.

Beyond addiction, my participation in ACA and CoDA continues to be a profound gift of community and healing. These programs have transformed my life, helping me heal from a chaotic childhood and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I resisted getting support for a long time. Someone asked me, “How free do you want to be?” which was one of the wake-up calls.

When I finally started recovery, my chemistry and nervous system began to calm. Then I was ready to do the deep work of trauma healing. It took a lot of support, and the work continues. I’m deeply grateful for the therapists, coaches, healers, and people in recovery who have modeled vulnerability and self-disclosure as a way of life.

This week’s premium program is titled “My Ride on the Surface.” There I unpack (with a little humor) some more of my crashes and burns on the way to recovery. It feels kind of “vulnerable” but that’s how this process works - being open for my healing, and the healing of others. I hope that readers will find a deeper connection to their own story through my story. And I’d love to hear your experiences as well.

Here are some free and low-cost resources for recovery and healing. If you're ready for the Recovery! Heal! Launch! premium program, please join me there.

AN AFFIRMATION

Today, I am emotionally open. I have a family of choice who speak their truth freely. I am letting go of my preconceived ideas of recovery that are based in fear.

Warmly,

Bob

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