There is nothing inherently wrong with living without much consciousness. We all do it. We’re doing it now. We are like trains running on their own steam.

We only know the very tip of the iceberg of what’s happening inside us and around us. But every living thing grows, and we as humans have the same need. 

"Those who seek happiness by trying to avoid or finesse suffering will find life more and more superficial." - James Hollis

Most of us ride along until our ignorance gets us in some kind of uncomfortable trouble. If we have a high tolerance for misery or if we can stay stuck in our heads, this rhythm can last a lifetime. For the more fortunate, the train wrecks are a wake-up call to understanding ourselves and the world more deeply.

My folks lived through wars and the Great Depression. The luxury of self-reflection and philosophical musings was not handed to them. Work, handling obligations, and self-medicating the buried pain were the priorities.

My excuses for remaining emotionally shut down were not as noble. My childhood wounds were more subtle and only came to light in mid-life. My escape from emotions started early with the pursuit of adventure, superficial relationships, and regular drug and alcohol use. Like my parents, I medicated myself, hoping it would make things better, but conflict continued to surface. At 35 years old, train wreck #734 woke me up a bit, and I was fortunate to find support for the slow awakening ahead.

Due to all my railroad mishaps and years of recovery and healing work, I’ve gained some tools and have helped many others wake up much earlier. A young client asked, “Why do I have to go to meetings and feel my feelings? I hate this shit.” I said, “Well, you don’t want to be a superficial prick all your life, do you?” He reminds me how useful this was. He’s been sober and pursuing his passionate artistic life successfully ever since. He was ready and only needed a nudge.

We are not ready for transformation until we are ready for transformation. No one can make us wake up. There are many factors, including the level of trauma we carry, how far into addiction or dependency we have ventured, and the degree to which we have isolated ourselves.

A loving wife may get exhausted from the struggle of trying to crack open a shut-down husband. She may get some help, learn to care for herself, and set some boundaries. She may not.

He may wake up if she leaves and starts her codependency recovery. He may not.

A workaholic may be dying inside, and he may quit and get some help when he starts thinking of suicide. He may not. We’re not ready until we’re ready.

Support was not readily available for my parents. These days it’s everywhere - although the active addict or depressed trauma survivor will deny the problem and think it’s not for them. This, in itself, is a trauma response. We learned to self sooth and deny all problems as a survival mechanism.

Self-medicating works very well until it doesn’t. Denial works perfectly until it doesn’t. Superficiality got us here and it is hard to let it go.

From 12-step groups to body-focused healing work, transformation is readily available. If you’re new to this, you know several people already on the path. All it takes is a few phone calls and learning how to utter those most difficult words, “I need help.” 

None of this falls in the category of “easy.” It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. We are healing our own buried wounds, and we are also carrying the unresolved pain of our early caregivers…and theirs.

This post is an invitation to start or deepen your healing work. Life is precious and help is available. Whether you’re seeking support from a body-focused therapist, looking for a process group, a trauma workshop, or self-help options, there are countless ways to begin or expand your process. Here are some free and low-cost resources. This week’s premium videos and worksheets take this much deeper. Please join me there.

AN AFFIRMATION

Today, I am seeing the ways that I avoid my emotions. I am looking at the choices I’ve made to stay stuck. I know I am not alone and I am asking for help to heal.

With appreciation for being on the healing path with you,

Bob

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