Hey There!

Welcome to The Beare Truth Newsletter. Let’s talk about stress! It’s a word that contains so much juice, and is greatly misunderstood.

Don’t you think there’s more to it emotionally than just, “I’m stressed out?”

In some ways, it is a way to hide. Let’s dig into it and see if we can’t find some gold in this thing we call stress.

And, we love hearing from you. Your thoughts and comments are always welcome. Just reply to this email.

We have many ways of expressing our discomfort - frustrated, exhausted, disappointed, and stressed. We often see it as externally created problems with which we must grapple. The “-ed” at the end of many of these words is a clue…“they are doing it to us.” Well, yes they probably are.

When we were young we had no defense or options but to mostly do what our caregivers wanted. We learned what was expected of us and we started marching to those orders. Now, as adults, we are still marching and our feet are sore (aka stress).

Hopefully, we are ready to recalibrate. Noticing that we are “stressed” is a good beginning. It is probably better identified as shame and fear. We are trying to overcome the unconscious fear of making mistakes and being punished either boldly or subtly.

Holding on to this old pain makes our body grip tightly and it causes a variety of physical illnesses including heart, back, and digestive problems. For some, the physical toll is what it takes to wake up to the fact that it is trauma (or conditioning if you prefer).

We are still running on the rules we were given by dysfunctional caregivers, a superficial culture, and for some - puritanical religious control. I’m feeling “stressed” just writing this!

I walked around for years with nagging neck and back problems and never considered it had something to do with holding on to a chest full of fear, and a gut full of unexpressed grief. When I got sober, It all started coming out. Now, recovery, paying attention to my body, and emotional expression are all a lifestyle.

We have to get support and start unpacking the lodged pain we carry in the body. Changing the language is an important part of the process. Stress is fear, shame, grief, and anger that has been repressed. To begin to identify these emotions and give them a voice loosens the grip we have previously called stress.

This work is a bit dangerous. We will begin to see that our relationships, jobs, and the way we interact with the world are not who we truly are. Changes will have to occur. This is why most people never do the inner work. We hold on to the “stress” rather than risk any shifts in our carefully controlled world.

I didn’t come upon this topic lightly. I just wrote a book about the main cause of stress: Doing shit we don’t want to do! I spent years hammering away at things I thought I was supposed to be doing. I’m still a work in progress, but it is so much better.

When we are ready to do the work, the right people appear. We start hanging out with people on the healing path who own the full range of emotions. Our creativity starts to re-emerge. A clarity of purpose takes over. We slowly make changes that are more aligned with our genuine self-expression. We begin to notice that this thing we called “stress” is no longer a prominent feature of our life.

An Affirmation:

Today, I am living from my heart. I am letting go of intellectual and victim language. When I feel sad, angry, or scared, I say it out loud to others who are doing inner work. I express my joy boldly. I am creative, unique, authentic, and alive.

1. Notice Your Language: As we heal, our language changes from intellectual external judgments to emotions. Instead of “stress” we find the fear in our chest and say “I’m scared” or “I feel fear.” Frustrated is anger. Feeling down or depressed is sad. Mad, sad, glad, and scared are all emotions that can be found in the body. That’s why this language shift is important for anyone on the somatic healing path.

2. Surround Yourself with Health: Intellectual language and repressed emotions are normalized in our culture. Actively working a 12-step program like Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA), Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), or joining a quality somatic healing group or workshop will automatically begin to transform your language and trauma-based choices. Consider The Deep Waters Experience and here is a list of other Recovery and Trauma Resources.

3. Awareness: Notice when you are taking on too much. Or trying hard to get it right for others. What is the old childhood wound that is running this? Share this with your healing circle. As you continue to heal, do you notice that you can be in situations that used to be “stressful” without taking on the fear and anger? Notice the progress.

4. Getting Sober: All of this work is very hard to do if we are self-medicating with substances or compulsive behavior. There are so many ways we adjust our chemistry - not just drugs and alcohol. Find a support group to let go of control and the ways we self-medicate and maintain a chaotic life. The process involves attendance at meetings, getting a sponsor, and actively writing out the step work. Here is a list of Recovery and Trauma Resources.

5. Read the Literature: The best intro book on this topic is Facing Codependency by Pia Melody. Also, there’s an entire chapter on feelings language and going from head to heart in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

1. Do you find yourself saying or thinking “I’m so stressed?”

2. What situations bring the most stress for you?

3. Are you aware of the feelings beneath stress?

4. What feeling is hardest for you to identify? Mad, sad, scared?

5. What feeling is hardest for you to express? Mad, sad, scared?

There is probably no bigger time than the holidays for old feelings to come up as we’re scrambling around to take care of everyone and everything. It is also a good time to stop and notice what is really going on with you emotionally.

We’ll probably never get to perfect bliss, but with a commitment to inner work, we can certainly enjoy a much wider range of this precious life.

All the best. Please reply to this email with your comments.

Warmly,

Bob

P.S. Share your process of authenticity with us! We'd love to hear your stories and insights. Connect on social media (see links above and below), and please reply to this email with your comments! Your participation helps us all connect in this community. And let us know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, we sure will.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book STOP DOING SH*T YOU DON’T WANT TO DO is out now! Get it here. Browse the book and write a great review here. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to stay on the top of Amazon’s list. And, the Audiobook version is coming soon. You’ll be the first to get the promo edition. THANK YOU!!!

From our last newsletter on Gossip, here are the thoughts of some of our community members: