Sorry, not sorry

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• The constant apology loop

• Where that voice comes from

• Why “sorry” gets overused

• What repair actually looks like

Here in Texas, they use the term “sorry” to mean worthless.

“What a sorry individual.”

I used to walk around with that feeling most days.

I’ve learned a better term for it…shame.

Shame is the main byproduct of trauma.

After many years of deep healing work, I still catch myself apologizing for simply existing.

Workin’ on it.

The constant apology loop

Walk down a busy street in London and you’ll hear it nonstop—“sorry, sorry, sorry.”

Different tones, same word.

People apologizing for simply existing in the same space.

It’s easy to laugh at, but most of us are doing the same thing inside our own heads.

After working with hundreds of people in trauma settings, I can tell you this shows up everywhere.

Once the surface politeness drops, there’s a common thread: a quiet sense of not feeling right in your own skin.

Where that voice comes from

We don’t start out apologizing for ourselves.

We learn it.

That won’t change.

What changes is how we relate to them—and to ourselves.

And most of us have already used up our quota of “sorry’s.”

In families and cultures where there’s pressure to improve, behave, or achieve, a message gets passed along—something isn’t quite right, and it needs fixing.

Caregivers often carry that same feeling and pass it forward without realizing it.

When we’re young and something feels off, we don’t step back and assess the situation.

We take it in.

We assume it’s us.

That’s how shame forms.

Why “sorry” gets overused

Once shame is in place, it shows up in how we move through the world.

We shrink.

We hesitate.

We apologize for things that don’t require an apology.

Some people go the other direction—loud, certain, pushing hard.

That can be another way of covering the same discomfort.

If substances have been part of the story, “I’m sorry” gets repeated a lot.

Over and over.

The words come out, but the pattern stays the same.

Even in everyday situations—running late, making a small mistake—we can spend more time apologizing than attending to the moment.

What repair actually looks like

There are times when “I’m sorry” matters.

In our important relationships, it can be an act of vulnerability and intimacy.

But real repair takes more than words.

It involves seeing clearly what happened, taking responsibility, and making a change where possible.

In recovery work, this is called making amends.

It’s not casual.

It comes after a lot of self-examination and usually with guidance.

When that kind of work is done, something settles.

The constant need to apologize starts to fade.

We move through life with more clarity.

More steadiness.

Miles Davis said, “Don’t worry about mistakes, there are none.”

Maybe in jazz, but if we care about our close relationships, owning our imperfect humanity is required.

Mistakes happen.

That won’t change.

What changes is how we relate to them—and to ourselves.

And most of us have already used up our quota of casual “sorry’s.”

What do you think of this? Let me know. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

The Inner Work Community is closed for the moment, but you can get on the wait list. It’s a great group of folks healing together.

Sorry, not sorry,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed but opening soon. Find out more here.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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