"The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents." - C. G. Jung

Who Cares About Parenting?

We all had parents - healthy or not. Many of us have considered being a parent. Many of us are currently engaged in imperfect parenting - of ourselves and others.

I lost a child. The most painful experience of my life. It was a giant wake-up call on all levels.

Now I have a 21-year-old who I am parenting imperfectly - just ask her. But, I’m learning so much and doing my best to be awake during the process.

I did a survey of what constitutes bad parenting. It went wild. Apparently, people have some strong opinions on this topic.

Here are the top 10 strategies for poor parenting (answers from the survey):

1. Controlling

2. Neglect

3. Shaming

4. Pushing

5. Enabling

6. Narcissistic

7. Smothering

8. Rigidity

9. Abuse

10. Expectations

And many more were cited: Enmeshment, Tech, Comparing, Impatience, Inconsistency, Conditions, Spoiling, Expectations, Absent, Bare minimum, Yelling, Codependency, Negligence, Resentment, Alcohol/drugs, Unloving, Divorce, Abuse, Having kids, Loveless, Favoritism, Fear, Condescending, Projecting, Disconnection, Bullying, Authoritarian, Woke, Apathy, Toxic.

Of course, this is not the whole story. Many of us also received love and appropriate parenting.

But many of us don’t like to look at the painful stuff and if we want to grow, we must.

The trajectory of our lives starts in the first few years and it is affecting every area of your life today.

Consider

“But, I’m from a good family.”

I’ve often heard this mildly nauseating phrase from people who are just beginning to work on their trauma. It is one of the many ways we try to avoid looking at the truth.

We all had some dysfunction - mild or severe.

Blaming doesn’t help either. Blaming ourselves, our parents, or anyone stops the healing process.

But we have to look at what happened honestly - and own our shit and heal.

If you are a parent, you are projecting your unhealed wounds on your kids. We all do it mostly unconsciously. We have to look at it to change it.

It’s not the end of the world to own that we are less-than-perfect parents.

It is a process of projecting less and less as we heal.

Words have power.

There are so many damaging cliches that are dumped on kids every day.

Dr Justin Coulson, father of six and best-selling author of 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know writes, “Whatever direction your words lead, your mind and body will follow. We believe what we tell ourselves. Language is powerful."

Here are a few of the gems I grew up with:

"What a brat."
"You are so spoiled."
"Don’t be a damn wimp."
"Pull up your bootstraps and get over it."
"What’s the matter with you?"
"Be seen, not heard."
"You little shit."

What’s your list?

Kids are sponges.

Between ages 0-10, everything goes in and stays.

I ingested “you little shit” and lived that way for decades until it all came crumbling down. Now I’m healing, learning how to feel the pain, release it, and live authentically.

Sounds good.

Sometimes the words are more subtle - and they even sound positive!

"What a good little helper."

Sometimes parents prioritize doing shit for other people - because that was what was put on them or they avoided trouble by being good.

When we are constantly validated for helping, we think it’s our job - many of us become nurses, therapists, etc.

It’s not bad. But, many of us have a nagging underlying discomfort about if we are helping for the right reasons.

"What a good little worker" and “Good job.”

Some 40-50yr old kids are waking up to a life story of back-breaking worship of "work."

Many of these folks have given their lives to build someone else’s vision to the exclusion of their own.

And then there are the relentless activities for others that are known as “jobs.”

We look for the sacred job that will fix everything and get us all we desire.

Or we hang on to shitty jobs because it’s what dad did, or we’re used to, or for the sacred pension. By the way, corporations love these parental “work” and “job” directives and phrases, it keeps them fully staffed and selling their stuff.

Comparing

"You’re just like your father/mother” or “Why can’t you be like your brother/sister.”

This sets up gender shame or a lifelong attempt to "live up" to an ideal.

Religion

"The lord will save you, or send you to hell." Don’t even get me started.

Many suicidal people have come to me and it becomes apparent that the delusional religious hammering is at the root of their misery.

The kid ain’t the problem.

Over 30 years of working with families, I’ve found that kids and teenagers hold the repressed emotions of the entire family.

Often, there is an explosion labeled "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" or some mood disorder.

Sometimes the teen finds short-term relief through drugs, and a legal or medical crisis ensues.

They bring the kid and want me to fix them. It’s not the kid.

It is the family dynamic. To only address the kid’s problem is a bad bandaid.

It’s trauma.

The problem is unresolved trauma.

Here are the 5 forms of trauma: Abuse, Shocking Incidents, Neglect, Abandonment, and Enmeshment.

Trauma goes in the body, stays there, and we project it out (including onto our kids) until we do the inner work.

My new book, Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do has a full explanation. Go to bobbeare.com

Solutions

To change and heal, we have to get out of our heads. You will not find the solution to a problem created by your brain - in your brain.

Further, you can’t just force yourself to change your behavior. Trauma responses are like a rubber band. You will bounce right back to the old behavior, maybe harder.

The work is not behavioral or cognitive. It is somatic.

To improve your life and parenting, work on your underlying issues. When our inner world heals, we see the outside world differently and have less need to control it.

Inner work is crucial.

Find a somatic therapist by searching Psychology Today - use the search word “somatic.” Somatic-trained therapists are doing their own inner trauma work as a part of the ongoing practice. This is not the case with most therapists.

Any therapy or coaching is a good start but eventually, you'll have to address the lodged trauma in the body.

Workshops using psychodrama and bioenergetics are great for transcending trauma and finding authenticity. See The Deep Waters Experience and The Bridge to Recovery.

Questions For You

• What are some of the unhealthy childhood messages you received?

• How has that affected you?

• What are some of the unhealthy ways you have parented your kids and/or yourself?

• What are some of the healthy ways you are parenting your kids and/or yourself?

We all have an inner child within us, waiting for our parenting. Maybe that sounds too woo-woo or touchy-feely, but it is a powerful way to begin healing.

Start a journaling dialogue with the kid within. The ultimate parenting project is with ourselves.

Glad to be on this healing path with you,

Take care,

Bob

P.S. Please, let’s have a dialogue. Reply and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to this topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.

P.P.S. The new book is coming out in August. Please reply to this if you don’t yet have your free pre-launch copy and/or if you would like to join the Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do Book Launch Team (get the promo launch copy and write an amazing review).

Go to this link for a connection to recovery resources and community trauma-healing programs.

Here are some of your comments from the last newsletter, It’s Not What You “Think”:

Gerrit G. I closed off my body to feel anything. It feels like one big black cold empty space. But once I can not keep the lid on my anger and it blasts the lid off, it is not a pretty sight. It then wreaks havoc in my life. Then I can feel it in my body. It feels like suddenly a monster woke up inside of me that wants to get out no matter what. The message I got was that being angry was wrong. I tried to be invincible and just shoved it deeper and deeper into this black hole. Wishing that I will be strong enough to keep it there. Sadness and being scared was almost self-taught. I tried not to show any of those emotions. Trying to be strong. Wishing it will go away. It was easier to keep suppressed, but it made my body a whole lot colder and darker.

Jen D. Anger seems to be the most commonly "acceptable" out of mind and into the body expression. To jump up and down, to yell, to demand attention, to express myself wildly. Trauma work for me, has exposed me to so many foreign concepts of thinking or pathways of ideas that have not been presented to me in any other forum of mental health therapy. The deeper understanding of self and authentic truths that are so hard to locate in myself. As I sit and contemplate the most recent proposal of what an extreme expression of joy might look like for me, the first thing I thought of was an "out of body experience". When I dig deeper into that statement, I realize that in the only moments of true unabashed joy that I have allowed myself to express, it was NOT out of body. It was out of MIND. Leaving behind the judgement and the shame for behavior, for enjoying a moment, for being free in mind and body. To move with instinct instead of expectation and approval. To be momentarily free. I realize or at least am coming to terms with the realization that true self-expression, authenticity, FREEDOM comes from leaving the roadblocks of the mind. Blocks set by trauma and the messages created that rule my thoughts and mistreat my body as a locked tomb to hold the pain. This body was meant to work in unison with my mind, allowing the flow of energy, life and emotion. It is time to start dismantling the dam and let the flow begin. Deep Waters has given me the safe space, the guidance, the confidence and the provocation to begin my next leg of this journey.