1. Why Resentments?

2. What is it?

3. Consider

4. Solutions

5. Questions for You

Why Are We Talking About Resentments?

Resentment causes a lot of pain and suffering.

We can get horribly addicted to it.

It can be a doorway to growth.

Strap in - Let’s take a look:

What is it?

Resentment is closely related to - but not the same as anger. Resentment is often the re-experiencing of past wrongs—real or perceived—and the old feelings of anger connected to them.

Built-up resentment is poisonous. It can eat away at your soul if you let it. We find ourselves grinding away about a situation or person. Maybe even fantasizing about how to plot our revenge and cause them to suffer.

But ultimately, we’re the ones who are suffering. It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Can you see how resentments have gotten in the way of your emotional freedom? They have for me, for sure.

In the recovery world, we say “resentments are the number one offender” because it causes relapse. This is not just an AA thing. When we are carrying resentment, we tend to look for ways to assuage the discomfort (food, sex, spending, and more).

The poison is usually rooted in a healthy anger that was repressed by some type of trauma. Often from childhood.

Somehow it wasn’t ok to express the pain, and over time it grew and turned into an underlying resentment. We attach our old unresolved pain to today’s situations.

But resentment is totally natural for humans. It's normal to feel it, but it's what you do with it that counts.

Consider

If you want to recover from resentment, the first step is to acknowledge it. Own your feelings and don't try to push them down or ignore them.

Owning your emotions is not easy. It’s never been easy for me. It takes support. Do you have trouble identifying anger, sadness, and fear? Is there a pattern of denying or repressing?

The next step is to figure out what exactly triggered the resentment. Is it a particular flavor of criticism? Maybe it re-stimulated an area of your life that is vulnerable.

Once you have reflected on the nature of the wound, it's time to take action. You may have to engage in a difficult conversation or take steps to get out of harm’s way. Sometimes we allow criticism and intrusions too much - and then we blame “them.”

Most importantly, see if you can connect it to an old trauma. Ask yourself, “How have I been hurt like this before.” And allow those feelings to come up. Usually, we are stacking pain on pain, and the current resentment is infused with old feelings.

But here's the big thing: You must look at your part in the conflict - and own it. Even if the other party is MORE at fault. This is the very hardest part and the beginning of letting it go.

Sometimes we even need to make amends to the person that we’re pissed off at! Wild, huh? This is an advanced process - which creates an enormous amount of freedom. But it should only be done with mature support and coaching. It is very tricky. In the 12-step world, this is done after much very deep internal work. and in a specific way. Otherwise, it will just create more pain for you and them.

I have not been very successful at this on my own. I have people in my life who care about me enough to suggest, “Bob, own your part in the conflict. Don’t do it for them - but for you!” If you want freedom, you have to own your part. Is this hard for you too? Or is it just me :).

It’s not about letting the other party “off the hook.” But, the other person’s behavior is less important than looking at the pattern in your own life. If this is a repeated pattern, ask, “Am I putting myself in the line of fire?” and “What do I need to do to start choosing differently?”

Holding on to resentment is like carrying around a bag of rocks. It's heavy, it's exhausting, and it's not doing you any favors. Can you relate in any way?

Solutions

Here’s some support that has helped me:

12-step recovery - These are master classes in owning your sh*t.
Experiential groups/workshops - Healing trauma reduces resentment.
Somatic/Psychodynamic therapy - It’s in the body. It’s in the unconscious.
Journaling - The very best way to explore on your own.
Meditation - Own the feelings and get balanced.
Screaming it out in traffic, into a pillow, or in the forest - Sometimes the person screaming out the frustration (not at others) in traffic is the healthiest person around.

Even just talking to a trusted friend can help.

Bottom line: Resentment can be healed but It requires support.

The more inner work we do, the less these situations occur.

And the difficulties are not as intense.

It’s a certain kind of magic.

Questions For You

“What resentments are you carrying now?"

“Can you connect this to any old hurts?”

“How do you let go of resentments?"

Please reply with your experience.

So, now take a deep breath.

A couple of good breaths.

Phew!

If you haven’t already, get my free book Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma. Just reply to this email and request the pre-launch pdf.

The new book unpacks how we get stuck, some of my experiences, and many solutions for healing and support.

Resentment can be a compass for where we need to do some work to let go of trauma. It’s not always fun, but it changes everything for the better.

Take care,

Bob

P.S. Please, let’s have a dialogue. Reply and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to the above topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.

P.P.S. Please reply to this if you would like to join the Book Launch Team (get a promo copy and write an amazing review).

Go to this link for a connection to recovery resources.

Go to this link for a connection to community trauma-healing programs.

Here are some of your comments on the last Newsletter, Relationships, OMG!

From Bill:

From Ian:

My partner and I started out with a strong foundation of communication promoted by Donaldson’s “Don’t You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!”, but in a lot of ways, our trauma (and yes, we both came from GOOD families) was still running much of the show. I started doing trauma healing work in 2020, and in the last few years, we have both found our way there. Jettisoning the childhood baggage, one piece at a time has not only improved my individual life but brought a more present and mindful approach to my relationship. I’ve gotten less stuck, she’s gotten less stuck, and we have an approach to supporting each other in healthy ways to promote further freedom. Like you said, Bob, it’s a whole different kind of song.