Relationships - OMG

Dear Friends,

We all want healthy, easy, loving relationships, right? Why is it so hard? Is there something unconscious running the show? Let’s take a look:

IT’S IN THE SONGS

“Romantic love is everything.”

We are looking for our “better half”, the “one”, the “love of my life.”

The Songs:

• Chicago’s If You Leave Me Now “...you’ll take away the biggest part of me.”

• Leonard Cohen's I’m Your Man: “If you want a lover, I'll do anything you ask me to. I'll wear a mask for you. If you want to strike me down in anger. Here I stand; I'm your man.”

• The Foundations and Allison Krauss’s Baby, Now That I've Found You: “I can't let you go, I'll build my world around you.”

I told my 20yo that the songs of the 70s were the worst for that. She told me I was mildly delusional and pointed to about 10 current songs including:

• Frank Ocean’s Dying for Your Love: “I'm dying for your love, I don't know what you want. You got me fighting every night to prove my love.”

• The Wknd’s Can’t Feel My Face. “And I know she’ll be the death of me, at least we’ll both be numb.”

  And hundreds more…

Even if it’s not about horrific struggles, most songs point to either looking for that hit or aching from the loss.

Here’s the 3 top Billboard songs RIGHT NOW!

1. Last Night, Morgan Wallen - Breakup pain.

2. Kill Bill, SZA - Can’t move on, taking revenge on the ex.

3. Flowers, Miley Cyrus - Painfully moving on.

A University of Texas study showed that emotional pain and romantic breakups are the two top reasons for suicide.

But, we love to fall deeply in love.

Why would we desire to be “falling” into anything?

Why is this thing called love such an obsessive goal for so many?

Why do most relationships end in some kind of very painful disaster?

CONSIDER

The level of pain and obsession in these songs points to two things: Addiction and Unresolved Trauma.

The desperation is no different than a detoxing alcoholic or heroin addict.

The thought process is no different than a trauma survivor’s skewed sense of themselves and the world.

There is a great cocktail of chemicals at work in the “love” process: Testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.

Much of the obsessive nature we experience is due to lower brain species-survival mechanisms.

There’s not much we can do about that. It’s ancient and deep in the bones.

But the part of it we can address is unresolved abandonment. It is trauma.

Most people don’t think they have trauma because maybe you’re “from a GOOD family.” Well, we all have trauma and, after 40,000+ hours of working with families, I’ve found that we all have some dysfunction.

Trauma can be severe - abuse or shocking incidents. But most trauma is more subtle - Abandonment, neglect, and enmeshment.

We are obsessively trying to fill these old unmet needs in our jobs and LOVE RELATIONSHIPS.

If you are in a difficult relationship or pattern of relationships, there is hope - if you’re willing to do a little digging inside.

SOLUTIONS

Much of the old baggage that we carry around relationships is from childhood when we were vulnerable and missed out on some important developmental needs. Any fluctuation in emotion due to conflict or substance use goes directly into the child. And a trajectory begins.

When we hit adulthood, many of us have collected a lot of pain and untrue messages about ourselves and the world. Our perspective is skewed and we try to compensate in all our relationships.

Every train wreck is an opportunity. But many of us just go groping around for the next fix and create another similarly unsatisfying situation.

Support is always the solution to addictive and trauma-based problems.

• The best place I’ve found to break the cycle and access sustainable healing is in the 12-step recovery world. If you are using substances to numb out, there are many programs. There are programs for codependency, love addiction, and trauma healing work as well. Go to this link for a connection to these community recovery programs.

• For couples, there are dialogue healing models that help the transformation process. The best one is by Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want. Here’s the link to Hendrix’s book.

• Somatic trauma healing, individual/couples/group therapy, and trauma resolution workshops are the most helpful ways to discharge old baggage. The work must be psychodynamic (healing unconscious wounds) - not only cognitive/behavioral. Go to this link for a connection to these trauma-healing resources.

If you haven’t already, get my free book Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma. Just reply to this email and request the pre-launch pdf.

The new book unpacks how we get stuck, and many solutions for healing. The appendix gives very specific ways to access community and professional support.

Our relationships should be a healing container to live our very best authentic and creative lives. It’s a different kind of song - with a tune that is a bit more sustainable.

Take care,

Bob

PS - Please reply to this if you would like to join the Book Launch Team (get a promo copy and write an amazing review).

PPS - Also, please reply to this email and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to the above topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.