Reality's a bitch

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• When reality finally gets our attention

• The gift of desperation

• Asking for help

I’m just coming off of a big Deep Waters Experience workshop.

50 men and women doing strong healing work together.

We have a process that includes “learning how to ask for help.”

It’s simple and you would think most adults would be able to navigate it.

One of the men tearfully said, “That’s the first time I’ve ever said those words.”

Then he repeated it all weekend, as a joke…but not really.

I spent a lot of years adjusting reality to the way I wanted it.

Alcohol and drugs worked pretty well for a while.

So did staying busy, chasing relationships, and stuff, and money, and trying to control the people around me.

Eventually, reality became difficult to avoid.

For me, like a lot of people in recovery, it took some significant pain before I could finally say three words that had seemed almost impossible:

“I need help.”

When reality gets our attention

Reality can set in slowly.

It can also arrive with a pretty good thud.

Most people I’ve known in recovery experienced the thud.

Very few walked through the doors of a trauma workshop or a 12-step meeting because life was going reasonably well and they thought recovery sounded interesting.

Something happened.

The drinking stopped working.

The relationship blew up.

The food, sex, drugs, gambling, work, or whatever we were using to adjust our chemistry started creating more pain.

We tried cutting down. We made promises. We swore we’d do better tomorrow.

Then tomorrow came.

The gift of desperation

There’s an expression in recovery that I’ve always liked: The gift of desperation.

It doesn’t feel much like a gift when it arrives.

For many of us, desperation finally gets us past the idea that we can figure everything out ourselves.

Some people surrender without a major disaster.

I’ve met a few…very few.

Most of us are remarkably tough.

We can tolerate an enormous amount of pain while insisting that everything is fine.

And many people do exactly that for an entire lifetime.

They work, raise families, pay bills, and function reasonably well while quietly living a partial life.

The drugs of choice keep doing their job until they don’t.

Asking for help

There are now more than 40 different 12-step fellowships addressing alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, relationships, codependency, and other compulsive patterns.

Millions of people have walked into a room and discovered other people who understand exactly what they’ve been doing.

That’s a big deal. Bigger than most of us realize.

Shame likes secrecy. Addiction likes isolation.

Recovery happens around people who know the territory.

Eventually we stop spending so much energy trying to adjust our chemistry and begin experiencing more of our actual lives.

Sometimes it starts with three words.

“I need help.”

What do you think? Just hit reply…love to hear from you.

Also, I have a warm online community where we heal together daily. Click here to find out more about The Inner Work Community.

Surrendering,

Bob

PS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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