Hey There!

Welcome to this edition of The Beare Truth Newsletter. Today we’re taking a look at being “nice” - maybe too nice sometimes - and how it’s related to trauma and codependency.

And, we love hearing from you! Your thoughts and comments are always welcome. Just reply to this email.

“Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.” ― Robert Glover 

My Dad had a saying, “It’s good to be good, it’s nice to be nice.” Yes, it is. Up to a point. Sometimes “nice” is not all that nice. Often it is a mask that hides an ocean of feelings.

We all assume that the best thing we can be is nice. There are many reasons for this.

If we grew up in an environment with a lot of conflict, we may have learned to be peacemakers as an attempt at balance. We may have received much praise for being such a good boy or girl, and not encouraged to have any range beyond that.

If our caregivers were only minimally aware of their own feelings, then it was hard for them to tolerate anger, sadness, or fear in the child. As children, we are sensitive to what pleases the adults and we learn to hide those “negative” emotions.

How about this one?: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That’s a pretty clear directive. Many of us did just that…and still do.

Some families are exceedingly pious and controlled. We learned to be perfect and nice in order to not disturb the fragile system. The emotional truth within us is put aside.

Our culture is very focused on “happiness” as the big pursuit. But true joy is a result of a free flow of emotion, not the repression of certain feelings in service of pleasing the outside world.

In my new book, Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma, I wrote about one of my first encounters with dropping the mask. After my divorce, I was angry and hurting deeply. Weekly, I explained to my men’s group how “fine” and “okay” I was. With considerable encouragement, I was able to squeeze out, “I’m angry” and eventually “I’m f*ckng angry.” The men breathed a sigh of relief and encouraged me to forget about being so nice and to speak my emotional truth. The thing that I thought would alienate them, actually brought increased trust. Eventually, I was able to lean into a more full expression, and the grief came flowing out.

Most psychiatric disorders are due to repressed emotions. The popular understanding of depression is that it is a form of sadness. It is not. Most depression is a particular kind of misery due to repressed grief, fear, and anger. The go-to intervention is medications that mask these emotions even further. Of course, if we have no support, no permission for feelings expression, and no opportunities for quality body-focused healing, medications can temporarily address serious and life-threatening depression.

The hard thing for us “nice” folks to acknowledge is that we are often being agreeable to assuage anxiety (fear) within us. It is seldom for the benefit of others. In that context, it ain’t all that nice. Especially if we’re tolerating and enabling hurtful behavior from others. The advanced form of this is the long-suffering family member of an addict who nicely enables the deadly disease to progress. To the compulsive enabler, directness and honesty seem like evil.

Relentlessly pleasant people also tend to have burning underlying resentments that come out in short blasts. This makes sense. Many have allowed themselves to be walked on repeatedly in service of this inauthentic mask.

Anything under pressure will always find a way out. Are you excessively nice? Ever feel a small volcano in your gut? Do you know any excessively nice people in your life who have some occasional outbursts? Or if there are not too many explosions, have you wondered if a part of them is suffering quietly?

There is a way out.

1. Get Support:

   We can’t normalize the expression of our full range of emotion in isolation. Many of us are from “good” families, but most didn’t really know how to support our authenticity. 12-step groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families or Codependents Anonymous are a good place to start. A Somatic Experiencing therapist, an experiential trauma workshop, or a process group are strong choices for growth. Many other suggestions here.

2. Boundaries:

   Learn and practice asking for what you want. Clearly define your personal boundaries and communicate them assertively. It's important to express your needs and desires without fear of rejection. By establishing boundaries, you signal to others that you value yourself and expect to be treated with respect.

   Note: If this is new for you, at first it won’t feel “nice.” You’ll get over it. They might not like it. They’ll get over it.

3. Prioritize Self-Care:

   Focus on your own well-being and prioritize self-care. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Develop habits that contribute to your physical, mental, and emotional health. Taking care of yourself not only boosts your confidence but also allows you to be more present and engaged in your relationships.

4. Develop a Strong Sense of Self:

   Invest time in self-discovery and self-awareness. Get clear about your values, interests, and goals. Cultivate a strong sense of self so that your identity isn't solely defined by pleasing others. This self-assuredness will naturally lead to more authentic connections.

5. Embrace Authenticity:

   Take the risk to be genuine and authentic in your interactions. Share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions openly, even if they differ from others. We are afraid the world will fall apart if we are real, but authenticity fosters real connections, and it encourages others to be genuine in return. This helps build healthier relationships based on mutual understanding. If the people in your life can’t handle it, you may want to consider some changes in personnel.

6. Take Risks and Face Fears:

   With an increase in support, you’ll be able to challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. Confront fears of rejection or conflict by taking calculated risks. This could involve initiating difficult conversations or pursuing personal and professional goals that may have been neglected due to fear of displeasing others.

7. Learn to Say "No":

   Practice saying "no" when necessary. In fact, try saying it out loud now. “NO”. And again, a little louder. “NO.” And notice how you feel. Understand that saying "no" doesn't make you a bad person; it's an essential skill for maintaining balance in your life. Be firm in declining requests that go against your values or overwhelm your capacity.

An Affirmation: Today, I will look at the ways I was conditioned to be nice vs. authentic. I am increasingly authentic, honest, genuine, and kind. 

1. What are some of the ways you are too nice?

2. What encounters can you recall where you held back your truth?

3. In what ways has this pattern held you back in your life?

4. What are some childhood experiences or dynamics that might have conditioned you to hold back your true feelings?

5. Which of these feelings is hardest for you to express? Anger? Sadness? Fear?

6. What are some steps you’ve taken to become more authentic?

7. What are some steps you can take in the future to be more authentic?

8. How could you take a step toward getting more support?

Note: It’s not all bad. People who have lived a life of being nice and helpful, are usually really good at it. Many of us wind up in helping or service professions. But we have to almost force ourselves to get support or we will burn out. Here is a link for community-based healing opportunities: Recovery and Trauma Resources

Thanks for reading. This is a growing community, and we’re so glad you’re here. Please reply with your comments.

See you next time,

Bob

P.S. Share your process of authenticity with us! We'd love to hear your stories and insights. Connect on social media (see links above and below), and please reply to this email with your comments! Your participation helps us all connect in this community. And let us know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, we sure will.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book STOP DOING SH*T YOU DON’T WANT TO DO is out now! Get it here. Browse the book and write a great review here. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to stay on top of Amazon’s bestseller list. THANK YOU!!!

From our last The Beare Truth Newsletter on “Creativity” Here are some of your great comments:

Mary J. shares how creativity helps them find connection with others:

Ian F. has slowly found his way back to creativity after many years.