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In this week’s edition:
Why we cling to arguments
Where our beliefs come from
The link between belief and wounds
Letting feelings lead instead
“Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.”
Arguing was my favorite sport.
The pursuit of being right was everything.
Resentments were like a drug, and I got addicted.
Being against something made me feel alive, but never brought peace.
Recovery is helping me see that I was really fighting something within myself.
I’m better at letting go, but especially in these times, it’s easy to get “up in arms.”
Why we cling to arguments
Arguing can feel good.
There’s energy in it.
A sense of certainty.
A feeling that we’re standing on solid ground.
Then it turns. It gets tight. Repetitive. Draining.
Loosening our grip on an idea can feel like losing something important.
But most of the time, what we’re holding onto isn’t all that solid.
It’s more like a ghost.
Where our beliefs come from
Beliefs don’t come out of nowhere.
They’re formed early.
As kids, we learned what was acceptable and what wasn’t.
What got approval. What got shut down.
Some of us were corrected harshly.
Others didn’t need the words—we could feel the tension in the room.
We adapted.
We aligned with what kept us safe.
Or we swung hard in the opposite direction.
Either way, something got shaped around those early experiences.
The link between belief and wounds
A lot of what we defend so strongly is tied to something underneath.
Low self-esteem, fear, shame—these are emotional experiences.
The mind builds structure around them.
Arguments, positions, certainty.
On the surface, it looks like confidence.
Underneath, there’s usually something unsettled.
When we start doing inner work with people who understand it, something shifts.
We begin to trust the feelings we pushed down a long time ago.
We don’t need to argue them into existence anymore.
Letting feelings lead
There’s a story about someone arguing with an idiot across the street.
From that distance, it’s hard to tell who’s the idiot!
Most of us have been in that kind of exchange.
As healing deepens, we start to recognize it earlier.
The pull to engage. The urge to prove something.
And then we don’t.
Disengaging doesn’t mean shutting down or avoiding.
It means stepping out of the pattern.
Letting the conversation go when it’s not going anywhere useful.
As the emotional pressure inside us starts to release, the need to argue fades.
The whole dynamic loses its appeal.
We find ourselves drawn to different kinds of conversations.
Different kinds of people.
Less noise.
More space.
And over time, that sense of peace we’ve been chasing begins to show up on its own.
Is finding that place of peace within you a valuable goal?
The Inner Work Community is closed for the moment, but you can get on the wait list..
I’d love to hear your experience with humor as a mask, and humor as healing. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).
Peacefully,
Bob
PS. The Inner Work Community is closed but opening soon. Find out more here.
PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.
PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience
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