Let's call it what it is

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• What anxiety really is

• How fear gets stored

• Why the past keeps showing up

• Making room for joy

I walked around with a body full of fear for the first half of my life.

“I ain’t scared of nuthin” was a fun thing to say and think.

Complete bullshit.

Terrified of everything.

I’d been taught to never show fear.

It worked until it didn’t.

Eventually, after many trainwrecks, I started my recovery.

And I read from the AA main text, “We were driven by 100 forms of fear…”

Finally, I was in a place where I could begin to tell my emotional truth.

I realized that most of my problems were caused by trying to avoid the fear.

It was running my entire life…unconsciously.

We call it a lot of things: Anxiety, stress, overwhelm, etc.

It’s fear.

And it doesn’t need to be hidden or medicated.

It’s in our body.

Trying to get our attention.

And it can be our friend— if we listen.

What anxiety really is

Anxiety is a clinical word for fear.

Most of us were taught, directly or indirectly, not to feel it.

We heard, "Don't worry," "You'll be fine," "Be brave," or "There's nothing to be afraid of."

Many of us get to a point where we can’t hold it down any more, and we try to get it medicated.

Psychiatry knows very little about actual healing so the main tool is drugs to mask the emotions—especially fear.

Which compounds the problem by pushing the fear down even deeper.

But this is all just a continuation of what we learned as kids.

The adults around us were often carrying plenty of hidden fear themselves.

They never learned what to do with it, so they couldn't help us with ours.

And fear doesn’t disappear.

It stays with us.

How fear gets stored

When something frightening happens to a child, tears are a healthy response.

Reaching for someone safe is a healthy response.

Feeling the fear is a healthy response.

When those things aren't available, the fear stays in the body.

One experience builds on another.

And we become experts at packing it all away.

But under the surface the fear is stored.

Years go by, and the nervous system starts responding to life as though danger is always nearby.

We no longer have the ability to listen to our fear, our natural mechanism to take care of ourselves.

It becomes a big blur of tension.

We begin calling it anxiety.

And do everything we can to extinguish it.

Because that feels “safer” than owning the emotional truth.

Saying “I’m scared” seems way to risky.

Why the past keeps showing up

We don't fear the future.

We fear the past happening again.

When old fear is still sitting in the body, today's situations carry the weight of yesterday's experiences.

So we are focused on the past and future…which don’t really exist.

With all of this vibrating fear, we become unable to be in this moment.

Which is the only moment.

But there is a solution.

And it takes some surrender.

And some willingness toward the V-word…vulnerability.

As we begin our healing work, those old layers move, and release.

It takes support and time…and it’s not the easy path.

But we become more available to the life that's actually in front of us.

This one precious life.

For me, the main thing has been to allow some support from others.

The company of people who can make room for the full range of human emotion.

Making room for joy

I've experienced this and watched it happen hundreds of times.

We begin by talking about anxiety.

Then we get the courage to speak the more vulnerable truth — ”I’m scared.”

With enough support, the tears come.

The body softens.

The nervous system settles a little more.

It happens a layer at a time.

Every time we allow one of those old layers to move, we become a little more available to life.

The old saying was "No Fear."

I like "Know Fear" better.

When we become familiar with our fear instead of running from it, we stop organizing our lives around avoiding it.

We come out of the darkness.

The lights start to come on.

There's a lot more room for joy.

We cry, laugh, own our fear.

It’s called being fully alive.

Glad to be alive with you!

Thanks for reading. Please let me know your thoughts Just hit reply.

Also, I have a warm online community where we heal together daily. Let me know if you’d like more info.

Feeling it all,

Bob

PS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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