Being real is risky

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• The masks we wear

• Shame shapes our personality

• Bringing buried feelings into the light

• Living as ourselves

Recently, I led an event.

I took on a persona that just wasn’t mine.

Trying to be a sales guy…Ugh.

It was so painful, that by the second half of the presentation—I just dropped the script.

It was a little messy, but I learned a lot.

Another mask removed.

As a kid, I learned that speaking from the heart wasn't a thing.

Talking about feelings simply wasn't done in my family.

So I acted like I didn't have any…

Followed the script.

For the first thirty-five years of my life.

Until the pain got big enough.

And, this recent event was just another great reminder.

The masks we learn to wear

We all have masks.

We don't notice them because we've been wearing them for so long.

As kids, we figured out pretty quickly which parts of ourselves were acceptable.

So we adapted.

We became what was needed to fit into our families, our schools, our churches, and eventually our relationships and workplaces.

How shame shapes our personality

The messages are different in every family.

Some kids learn to be tough.

Some learn to be nice.

Some become responsible long before they're ready.

Others disappear into the background because it feels safer.

In my family, anger was one of the few emotions that had permission to exist.

So I learned to express anger while burying fear and grief.

Every family has its own rules.

When our thoughts, feelings, or behavior fall outside those rules, shame shows up.

We begin to believe there is something wrong with us instead of recognizing that we simply adapted to the environment we were given.

Over time, those adaptations become our personality.

Bringing buried feelings into the light

Healing asks us to become aware of what we've pushed underground.

That work happens in emotionally healthy places and with emotionally healthy people.

We need people who can tolerate tears, fear, anger, and uncertainty without trying to fix them or shut them down.

As those frozen emotions begin to move, something changes.

Fear becomes something we can acknowledge instead of hide.

We can express anger without hurting ourselves or the people around us.

Grief does what grief has always done. It washes through us and leaves us a little lighter.

Living as ourselves

An old mentor of mine made a lifelong study of what constitutes “attractive.”

He found that authenticity is what attracts most people.

People respond to authenticity.

And it takes effort to let go of those old, comfortable masks.

That tendency we all have to “be what we think they want us to be.”

As we own our fear, grief, anger, and playful joy—the frozen places begin to thaw.

We become easier to be around because we're at ease with ourselves.

The people who are ready for that kind of honesty tend to find us.

Authenticity recognizes authenticity.

As I am,

Bob

PS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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