I don't need no stinkin' help!

In this week’s edition:

• How isolation became a survival strategy

• What abandonment does to trust

• Why numbing eventually fails

• Healing in the presence of others

I was taught to do it on my own.

Don’t ask for help.

Needing people meant weakness.

That worked for a while. Until it didn’t.

Eventually the pain outweighed the pride, and I had to say the words I’d avoided for years:

I need some help.

We aren’t built for isolation.

We’re social creatures.

But when independence gets tied to safety, we learn to rely only on ourselves.

It can look strong on the outside while quietly hollowing us out on the inside.

What abandonment does to trust

When there’s abandonment trauma—physical or emotional—our sense of connection gets distorted.

We don’t know who to trust.

The internal “picker” is off.

We reach for people who feel familiar, not necessarily healthy.

We get hurt.

Then we retreat further.

Over time, isolation starts to feel like the only option that doesn’t risk more pain.

Why numbing eventually fails

Most of us don’t just isolate. We medicate the loneliness.

Alcohol. Food. Work. Obsessive love. Sex. Distraction.

These strategies help for a while.

Then they stop working.

What once took the edge off becomes another problem.

Underneath it all are feelings we were taught to suppress—grief, fear, shame, longing.

Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away.

Healing in the presence of others

If we’re lucky, we eventually find people who are loosening their grip on isolation too.

Groups where honesty is normal.

Places where tears aren’t rushed away.

That’s when the story begins to unravel.

The feelings we kept buried come forward, and we realize something simple and hard to accept: this is how healing happens.

We were wounded by people.

Healing happens with people.

After we get over the blaming stage, we can start healing.

Opening up takes courage.

Trusting again takes time.

But it’s the doorway out of fear, shame, pain, and dread.

It’s also the doorway back to joy—the kind many of us left behind early on and quietly assumed was gone for good.

This healing work has become a lifestyle for me, not just a problem to solve.

The Inner Work Community is now open for enrollment. You are warmly invited to this loving community of people on the path of healing.

I’d love to hear your experience with isolation vs. support. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

With gratitude,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is open for enrollment until midnight Sunday, 3/1, learn more about it here.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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