I Don't Need No Stinkin' Help

Hey there ,

In this week’s edition:

• The illusion of self-reliance

• Why we will always fail on our own

• The unconscious runs the show

• The courage to grieve

• Surrender as the doorway to power

The Illusion of Self-Reliance

Most of us will do almost anything to avoid asking for help.

I did.

For years, I thought independence was strength.

I figured if I could outwork, outthink, or outlast the pain, I’d win.

That worked…until it didn’t.

Eventually, life stripped away every illusion that I could do it on my own.

Science has caught up with what mystics have always said—we are connected.

It’s not philosophy. It’s physics.

When we forget that truth, we break down.

Hitting the Wall

Our culture celebrates the lone hero.

“Just do it.”

“Ignore the pain.”

“Get a bigger hammer.”

“Push through on your own.”

These slogans sound motivating until you realize they’re built on fear:

• Fear of vulnerability

• Fear of dependence

• Fear of being seen.

Running on that fuel leads to collapse. I learned the hard way.

When I lost a child, a marriage, and a series of jobs, the pain finally cracked my armor.

That’s when I found what recovery circles call “The gift of desperation.”

I had to ask for help.

The Unconscious is Running the Show

Research shows we’re conscious of maybe 5% of our motivations.

The rest is happening below the surface, driven by emotions we haven’t yet faced.

Our unconscious is packed with grief, fear, shame, and anger—so of course we avoid it.

But avoiding it doesn’t make it disappear. It just runs our lives from behind the curtain.

The only way to bring it into the light is through connection—with others who are willing to feel, to listen, to witness.

The Courage to Grieve

Grief is the body’s way of cleansing itself.

It’s nature doing its work.

But most of us were taught to hide it, medicate it, or rationalize it away.

We learned to fear the collapse that comes with loss.

When I finally stopped resisting, grief did what it was supposed to do—it opened me.

It softened me toward myself and toward others.

It let me connect again.

The Power of Surrender

Surrender requires support.

Support requires surrender.

Both of those words used to make me cringe.

They still do sometimes.

I thought it meant defeat.

What I’ve learned is that surrender means allowing reality to move through me instead of fighting it.

The more I let go, the more strength I find.

The bad news—for people like us—is that support is absolutely required for growth.

The good news is that it’s everywhere.

Once we stop pretending we don’t need it.

The deeper we allow connection, the more grounded, creative, and alive we become.

A life of meaning is built that way—one surrendered moment at a time.

The Inner Work Community is open for enrollment. Join us! It’s a great opportunity to get connected with people on the healing path.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Letting go of the lone wolf,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is open. Learn more here.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. Check out The Deep Waters Experience