How to Piss People Off

Hey there ,

In this week’s edition:

• How language reveals our old wounds

• The comments we pass along when we’re anxious

• The 9 classic “groups” of dismissive responses

• Why these phrases are trauma responses

• How awareness changes everything

My Story

I spent a lot of years shaming myself…and others.

I was a master at those little wiseass comments.

But I was also a master at giving advice—especially on topics I knew very little about.

It was all driven by my unconscious pain, fear, and shame.

When someone shared something raw, I’d try to make it better.

Not for them—for me.

Their fear, anger, or sadness stirred something in me I didn’t want to feel.

So out came a quick line to tidy it up.

I thought I was being helpful.

But really, I was passing along my own discomfort.

Language is sneaky like that.

It tells on us.

How to Piss People Off with One Comment

I polled several hundred people with this exact question and the answers were incredible.

Turns out, most of us have a personal stash of dismissive one-liners ready to go when we’re anxious or ashamed.

Here’s a tour of the greatest hits:

THE “BE HAPPY” GROUP

“Turn that frown around”
“Just be happy”
“Cheer up”
“Smile”

When we’re disconnected from our own buried emotions, it’s hard to let others have theirs. So we try to fix them.

Not for them, for us.

THE “RELAX” GROUP

“Relax!”
“Chill out!”
“Lighten up.”
“Calm down.”

When fear is buried, we can’t tolerate seeing it in someone else.

So we try to get them to bury it too.

THE DEFENSIVE GROUP

“I was just joking!”
“You’re so serious.”
“You’re overreacting.”

When we hurt someone, these are the quick covers that shift the blame back to them.

THE RELIGIOUS GROUP

“I’ll pray for you.”
“Bless your little heart.”
“God has a plan for you.”
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

In some ways, this is the worst.

It’s wild condescension, dressed up as compassion.

THE “BE GRATEFUL” GROUP

“Don’t complain, I went through worse.”
“Let me tell you about my hurts.”
“Focus on your blessings.”
“Others have it worse.”
“Be grateful.”

When someone’s stuck in a victim story, they will invalidate your pain and/or make it about themselves.

THE “GET OVER IT” GROUP

“You’re overthinking that.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’ll be just fine.”
“Just let it go.”
“Toughen up.”

These folks should apply at Nike.

THE FEELINGS DISMISSING GROUP

“Don’t worry.”
“Don’t be sad.”
“Don’t be angry.”
“Don’t be scared.”
“What are you so happy about?”

If you live in your head, emotions—yours or anyone else’s—feel intolerable.

THE CLICHÉ GROUP

“What a Negative Nelly!”
“Don’t be a Debbie Downer.”
“You’re such a party pooper.”

Cute little phrases that mask emotional attack.

THE DISGUISED THERAPIST GROUP

“What’s wrong?”
“Are you ok?”
“Breathe!”

Don’t tell me to breathe.

You breathe.

I’ll breathe when I want.

Why It Matters

All of these phrases are trauma responses.

They’re not about the other person.

They’re about our own discomfort.

They’re what we say when shame is triggered and we don’t want to feel it.

Most of us were told these things when we were children. They’ve been incubating within us ever since.

Becoming aware of these knee-jerk reactions is a crucial step in healing.

Not just for how we treat others—but for how we speak to ourselves.

And language reveals the wounds.

Paying attention gives us a chance to interrupt the pattern.

From there, we can begin to remember how we were hurt.

We can dive into those old wounds and heal.

With this framework, our language becomes a useful compass for growth.

Does any of this resonate? Any favorite little comments of your own?

Just hit reply and let me know (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Bless your little hearts! (he he),

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now. We’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, there are many free and low-cost programs for recovery and healing. Or email me for counseling, coaching, and process groups. Here’s the link to The Deep Waters Experience 3-day trauma workshop.

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