Healthy Relationships are Rare

Hello, Truth Seekers!

Welcome to this edition of The Beare Truth Newsletter. Today we’re looking at what builds a healthy relationship. We all want that right? Most of us have some experience with satisfying relationships - and some wonderful failures (opportunities for learning) as well.

I’ve learned a lot along the way, and am still learning. It’s a complex and important topic. Hopefully, we can simplify it together here. So, get ready as we unpack some juicy ideas and suggestions. And remember, this is a DIALOGUE! Your thoughts and comments are always welcome.

Can’t we just “Fall in Love?”

“Fall” in love, “Swept” away, “Stole” my heart, “Bursting” with love, etc.

In any other context, this is disaster language!

TWO BIG QUESTIONS

These may seem like simple questions, but they may be the two most important questions you’ll ever ask yourself:

• Where are you going?

• Who's going with you?

Here's the key:
DON'T GET THEM OUT OF ORDER!

How many of us have gotten this out of order? Think about the times you have looked for answers to your life in a partner or in a variety of other external choices.

Consider

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? We have to have some clues as to where we are going before we attach ourselves to another person. Otherwise, we will be looking for this person to fulfill all of our unmet needs.

WHO’S GOING WITH YOU? Doesn’t it make sense to have some direction before we make the biggest choices of our lives? Sam Keen wrote extensively about this in Fire in the Belly, pointing out that the missing piece in most relationships is that “…we have failed to define our identity.” Without some sense of personal wholeness, we’ll be looking for someone to fill that vacant place in our soul.

What comes to mind when you think of some of your childhood unmet needs?

70's SONGS. Most of us did not get an education on how to grow a healthy relationship. Often we just wing it according to the songs of the 70's - "You're My Everything", "If You Leave Me Now, You'll Take Away The Biggest Part of Me", etc.

We have to get some real support to heal the wounded child within us. From there, we may have a chance at a healthy partnership.

Solutions

There is an order to the process of building a healthy relationship. If we just follow our low brain chemistry - designed to sustain the species - plan on trouble. Here's a plan that will give you a WAY better chance at building a sustainable relationship:

IN THE BEGINNING - ACQUAINTANCE. Healthy relationships start with acquaintance - We meet someone in passing. Maybe at the coffee shop. Or a friend of a friend. This is the first stage.

THEN WE GET CLOSER. There's this thing called FRIENDSHIP. You have some common interests. There is a connection and you enjoy their company. There is some trust building. This is the phase where Larry David -my relationship coach - would consider having a "Stop n Chat," (Watch this link or look it up)

BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE C-WORD. The next level of relationship is COMMITMENT - This is another level of friendship when we will show up to drive them to a doctor's appointment or move their piano. Well, maybe not. But there is an agreement to stay in there.

ITS GETTIN' REAL UP IN HERE. Now we're allowing transparency and it's called INTIMACY. Unlike the popular meaning of the word, this is where you open up emotionally and share vulnerabilities. It's corny but IN-TO-ME-SEE really illustrates the essence of intimacy.

THEN MAYBE THE BIG VULNERABILITY - SEX. Wait, WHAT?! The process of building a healthy relationship takes time and patience. We have to build toward this deep level of vulnerability. Ever get this sequence out of order? Have you gotten to the intimacy and sex way too early? And wondered why the relationship didn't work?

Note: If you're in a relationship that started somewhat unconsciously, and maybe got some of the above process out of order, don't worry. You just have some work to do. Much of the conflict in relationships is due to unresolved trauma, and a lack of safety to do the healing necessary. If both partners are committed to their own individual healing process, a healthy and sustainable connection is possible.

LOVE ADDICTION IS THE ADVANCED FORM OF CODEPENDENCY. Pia Melody writes that “…love addicts are all about the relationship and forget about themselves.” It's dangerous too. Many report suicidal thoughts after a bad breakup or even when there's a fluctuation in the relationship.

GOTTA HEAL OUR TRAUMA. If we have unmet needs from childhood, we will try to get them met in our romantic relationships. Most of this is not conscious. It takes work and involves uncomfortable feelings, but it is possible to become increasingly conscious and less directed by these buried motivations.

IT'S ONLY A TEMPORARY FIX. Love addiction is when you're dependent on your partner to feel secure, worthy, and happy. It doesn't work, especially after the oxytocin/serotonin/dopamine/endorphin cocktail wears off.

IT TAKES SUPPORT. There are 12-step groups specifically for these issues. And there are a few therapists who understand the addictive nature of sex and love. Many of us have found ways to survive, but thriving requires making recovery from these habits a lifestyle.

SELF-CARE AND EDUCATION. Building healthy relationships takes some work. We will not find the answer in our popular cultural social media memes or on The Bachelorette. Take a deep dive instead.

Here's the best book on the subject: Facing Love Addition: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love, by Pia Melody

Recap: HOW TO BUILD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Figure out where you're going first
Then see who's going with you
Start with Acquaintance
Then build Friendship
Then Commitment
Then Intimacy
Maybe Sex

Support is required!

Support Resources:

Programs for Trauma and Dependency — Dr Bob Beare

IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE BUT NOT EASY. Building healthy relationships is not a perfect science. I am still learning by the fail-miserably-then-get-a-little-better technique.

Questions for you

1. What unmet needs do you know you have from childhood (love, attention, encouragement, self-esteem, etc.)

2. How has this shown up in your relationships?

3. What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned about yourself from your failed relationships?

4. What have done to try to find your authentic direction in your life?

5. What is the biggest thing that has helped you have healthier relationship experiences?

Remember, each of our experiences with relationships is different. No one size fits all. But it is essential to have some personal direction and meaning in our lives if we want to have a sustainable connection with a partner. They cannot, and should not, have to fulfill all of our trauma-based needs. And we should not be trying to fulfill all the needs of our partner.

The phrase “Get a life” seems harsh, but it really says it. Let’s get a life, and allow someone who has a life to join us!

Thank you for being part of this conversation. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences.

Until next time, take good care of yourself as you seek support and continue your process of becoming your own best friend.

Your friend on the path,

Bob

P.S. Please, let’s have a dialogue. Reply and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to this topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book STOP DOING SH*T YOU DON’T WANT TO DO is out now! Get it here. Browse the book and write a great review here. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to get to the top of Amazon’s list. THANK YOU!!!

From our last The Beare Truth Newsletter on “Lying.” Here are some of your great comments:

Mary V. shared how lying has shaped her:

For Joanna R., telling lies kept her and others protected:

Marge R. has healed the mask of the path through reflecting on trauma: