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- Trauma is Running the Whole Show!
Hey friends!
Welcome to a special edition of The Beare Truth Newsletter. We're diving into the misunderstood world of trauma and recovery.
Buckle up, we've got some eye-opening insights to share with you. And this is a DIALOGUE! Please reply with your comments.
Let's get started!
What's the Big Deal About Trauma?
Trauma. It's a word we’re hearing more and more, but do we really understand its impact? Most people don’t think they have it, don’t really know what it is, and are unaware of the profound effects trauma can have on our lives.
Imagine trauma as a lens through which we view the world – one that often distorts our perception and colors our actions. Our relationships and career choices are directly impacted by unresolved trauma
Abuse in its many violating forms is the most intrusive and problematic. Those of you who have experienced this, have already had to do some inner work for survival.
It’s not only abuse and shocking incidents we’re talking about. Neglect and abandonment - both physical and emotional - create a sense of discontent and an unconscious scramble for love.
Enmeshment is the big one. It affects us all. It involves role confusion in families, like growing up too fast, being smothered, or getting lost in the chaos. These and many more forms of trauma - subtle and severe - are extremely intrusive and cause unhealthy life trajectories.
I became a pretty good performer in order to distract from some of the family chaos. I’ve made a living at it - but it’s not all of who I am. I’ve had to work hard to find the quieter, more authentic part of me. I also became a tough guy in many ways to please my Dad. Tough’s not bad, but I did it to the exclusion of all else.
See how this works? Enmeshment is a subtle but powerful form of trauma that can co-opt our authentic expression.
Any thoughts from your life on how your authentic self may have been put aside?
There are solutions that require some work and support. We don’t have to heal it all today. It is a process and it becomes a lifestyle. Awareness is the light that leads us out of the darkness. So many areas of our lives are affected. Let's take a look at how trauma can run the show, and how recovery changes everything.
Consider
These are some examples of how we show up under the influence of trauma, and the promise of healing. See if you relate to any of this:
Trauma says: "Gotta keep ‘em all happy for me to be happy."
Recovery says: "I’m whole."
Trauma says: "I gotta soothe them."
Recovery says: "It's okay to let them have their discomfort."
Trauma says: "I know what they all need."
Recovery says: "I’m focused on me."
Trauma says: "I have to smile even though I’m sad, angry, and scared."
Recovery says: "I feel and express all my emotions fully."
Trauma says: "If I get it perfect, you’ll love me."
Recovery says: "I’m learning to breathe and be ok with my beautiful imperfection."
Trauma says: "I’m clairvoyant - I feel everybody’s pain and I can fix it."
Recovery says: "I’m aware of myself as a separate, competent, and whole person - and so are you."
Trauma says: "Your opinion of me is my reality."
Recovery says: "Your opinion of me is none of my business."
Trauma says: "I’m sorry and let me explain endlessly."
Recovery says: ...
(sometimes silence speaks volumes)
Trauma says: "I’ll do anything to keep you."
Recovery says: "I’m my own best friend."
Which of these did you feel in your gut?
Solutions
So, how do we shift from the trauma rhythm to the recovery rhythm? It's not an overnight journey, but here are a few pointers to guide the way:
Self-Awareness: Recognize your patterns and reactions. Understand the impact of trauma on your life. This comes from attendance in groups of people who are working on their trauma. It comes from educating yourself on how trauma is related to shame, self-medicating, and codependency. What are you currently becoming aware of in your recovery?
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness. Understand that healing takes time and setbacks are part of the process. Trauma creates shame. Kids blame themselves for the chaos, then carry it into adulthood. We have to hang out with friends on the path of healing and learn how to let go of the negative inner dialogue. How are you hard on yourself?
Boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries. Understand that you can't fix everything or be responsible for everyone's emotions. We don’t need to be mean about it, but we don’t have to take shit from anyone either. Billy Joel wrote, “Do what’s good for you, or you’re not good for anybody.” Where could you take care of yourself better regarding boundaries?
Mindfulness: Practice being present. Understand that the past doesn't define you; you have the power to be in this moment and shape your future. Being emotionally present comes from allowing underlying emotions to come forward. We have to come out of hiding and be in this moment rather than worrying about the past or the past repeating itself. It takes deep work, and a regular meditation practice can be an additional help. What keeps you from being emotionally present?
Support: We can’t find freedom from our patterns until we heal the underlying pain. With support, we start to unpack our long-hidden story and let go of the hurt. We see that we’re not alone. The old messages begin to have less power. Most of us resist asking for help until it’s desperate. Eventually, however, it becomes a lifestyle. Where do you know you need help?
Questions for You
What messages have you carried about yourself left over from old trauma?
How have trauma’s old messages influenced your decisions and interactions?
What are some strategies you've used to cultivate a more recovery-oriented lifestyle?
Can you think of a situation where shifting from a trauma perspective to a recovery perspective significantly impacted your well-being?
Are you ready to start doing your life more authentically? What can that look like?
Please reply to this with your answers and comments!
Remember, our journey toward healing is unique, but we're not alone in it. By understanding the dynamics of trauma and recovery, we can create a more compassionate and empowered path for ourselves and those around us.
There are so many healing opportunities. Take a look at this link: https://www.drbobbeare.com/programs
Stay curious, stay courageous, and until next time, take good care of yourself.
Warmly,
Bob
P.S. Please, let’s have a dialogue. Reply and comment on your experience, strength, and hope related to this topic. Let me know if you don’t want it published.
P.P.S. The new book is coming out the week of August 20! Please reply to this or go to bobbeare.com if you don’t yet have your free pre-launch copy and/or if you would like to join the Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do Book Launch Team (get the promo launch copy and write an amazing review).
Last time we looked at the importance of support. Here are some of your great comments:
Scott F. shares his realizations on help and community:
About a year ago, my therapist of 15 years retired. She was close to 90 and still practicing.She is an amazing person. She and her first husband were freedom riders and participated in the civil rights movement. She designed and implemented one of the first employee assistance programs, for a forward thinking major airline. She moved back to Virginia after marrying her second husband and started working in her step nephew’s mental health practice.
Mrs. T. was as much a friend, colleague, and mentor, as a therapist. On several occasions she paid me the highest compliment by telling me that if she needed a counselor it would be someone just like me.
So recently, and due in part to my wife’s encouragement, I decided to ask for help and begin the process of reentering therapy with a new practitioner. As much as I wanted to do it myself I finally had to acknowledge that there are limits to my ability to resolve everything on my own. Just as I can’t see my face without a mirror or something else shiny to reflect it; I can’t explore the depths of my own psyche unaided. I felt anxious, sheepish, and embarrassed.
Let’s face it, I was raised in an era where men were expected to be totally self contained. God forbid you should display any weakness. If you cried you risked being called a sissy or worse. Even though I started my career working with people who had become addicted to drugs and alcohol and sat in on many 12 step meetings, I was loath to admit to my own addiction and begin my own recovery journey. I was as frightened as I entered my first meeting as any newcomer. Afraid of seeing someone I knew. Fearful of being stigmatized. Worried about damaging my reputation in my professional community.
I was once in a business meeting where one of the honchos announced that the stigma of mental illness and addiction was gone. That society would no longer look down on those afflicted. Not only did I question his sanity, I wondered if he had been smoking or snorting something in the bathroom.
I’m not sure how we can challenge these expectations on a large scale. I opt to address them quietly, with my clients and fellow addicts.
For me a strong support system is one in which I am addressing my inner and outer circles. Where I am supported and provide support. A friend of mine and I were joking recently about how much better our country would function if it were governed by 12 step principles. Submerged egos, spiritual guidelines, mutual respect, consensus. We imagined our friend Farmer Bob as our Secretary of State, phoning foreign despots and telling them, “Knock if off, or we’ll kick your ass.”
One of the most amazing gifts I have received in recovery is the healing that took place within my family when I was able to make my amends. My sons have grown into caring, loving, and empathic young adults. For this I am most grateful.
Ian F. overcame his “smart-guy engineer” roadblocks:
I long prided myself on my ability to work my way through any problem. My brain was well-honed in the problem solving world that is Engineering and I could rationally apply such methods to every other problem in my life, right? WRONG! It took the weight of 34 years of my previous philosophy and 9 months of 2020 for me to reach a breaking point where I admitted to myself that I needed help. That's when I found a therapist and started getting to the unaddressed hurt that had kept me from asking for help for all of those years. The layers of pressure have slowly begun to break away and I am finding other places to challenge the societal expectations for my life - finding ways to be FREE! My family of choice includes my Brothers and Sisters in recovery, and also friends and family outside of the recovery community - with some new, healthy boundaries in place.
Christine learned to be a strong, independent person early on:
Growing up, it was often claimed that my family had a loving and supportive structure. But after reading Dr. Bob Beare's book, "Stop Doing Sh*t You Don't Want To Do", I have looked back and identified that it wasn't true: my sisters and I were effectively taught not to ask for help because it was a hindrance in one way or the other. I got into the habit of taking on the world and not looking for help because I was a "strong individual" that didn't need to rely on anyone else. The transition between then and now started at my first internship: I had so many tasks that I was told to delegate some or not be considered for a full time hire. That was incentive! But additionally, the young people there created a community atmosphere because they were going through similar situations and sharing those experiences. Being in that open environment really helped me start to feel secure in asking for help and advice. Now, I try to be more proactive to let others know I am there for them too.
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