Hi Friends!

Welcome to The Beare Truth Newsletter. This one is about gossip. We proclaim love, gratitude, and caring around the holidays. It is a stressful time for many. If we are unconscious and anxious, we may also be spreading more than “cheer.”

Which of these is your favorite way to gossip?

• About others - to others?

• About others - in your head?

• About yourself - in your negative self-talk?

We all gossip. It is a human thing. With healing, we have less inner pressure and therefore less need to judge ourselves and others.

Let’s take a deeper look.

And, we love hearing from you. Your thoughts and comments are always welcome. Just reply to this email.

We love to talk about others. It is a habit that is hard to break. There is no better signpost for unhealed trauma than gossip.

Sometimes we think we are doing good by discussing the many aspects of others.

Many years ago, I warned a friend about the partner he was about to marry. I was boldly told that my do-gooder action was hurtful and hateful gossip. I’ve never forgotten that. It was my own unresolved relationship shit being projected onto my friends. They are still married by the way.

Gossip is a trauma response. Don Miguel Ruiz has written extensively on this: “We learned how to gossip by agreement. When we were children, we heard the adults around us gossiping all the time, openly giving their opinions about other people.” This is the main way children learn - by watching and listening to the adults.

There are three main ways to gossip:

1. Speaking of people who aren’t in the room. Even positive references are better given directly to the person than behind their back. Whether positive or negative, it is an avoidance of vulnerable connection and is destructive gossip.

2. Thinking about others in our head. When we grind away resentfully about others, we are in a sort of hell. The dialogue and judgments in our head are a way to avoid feeling, healing, and true relationships.

3. The worst gossip is what we tell ourselves about ourselves. Negative self-talk is the most destructive of all gossip. Our unresolved trauma creates shame that is expressed in our thoughts. Those “not good enough” and “I’m stupid” messages are a sign that healing is needed.

When there is addiction or dependency involved, there is always resentment. That is a normal condition of addiction. Resentment tends to turn into blaming and a river of gossip. We completely lose our ability to look at ourselves honestly and forcefully judge the outside world as well as ourselves.

We have to address the ways we are self-medicating in order to see the underlying wound that we are trying to numb. With support, we can begin to heal the old lodged trauma that drives self-medicating, resentment, and gossip.

And it is not just those “bad addicts” with resentment. We all are hiding at some level. When we hide our anger, sadness, fear, and shame it builds pressure. One of the release valves is gossip.

There is a freedom that comes with letting go of resentment and gossip. Reality begins to take a central place in our lives, we are no longer pointing our finger at the past and future causes of our distress. We are here, now. We are OK, now. 

An Affirmation:

Today, I am secure in myself. I allow others the freedom to be as they are. I am letting go of judgment of myself and others. I am feeling the joy of living here and now. 

1. Refuse to Participate: When invited to participate in gossip, take a breath and change the subject. Turn the conversation toward the people who are actually in the conversation. Eventually, people will get the hint that you are not playing that game. Try this - you will like it. I promise.

2. Surround Yourself with Health: Gossip is a normalized poison in our culture. Like sugar, excessive niceness, and obsessive love relationships, everybody seems to be doing it, but it is destructive. People in recovery are actively working on this negative character attribute. Actively working a 12-step program like Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) or joining a quality somatic healing group or workshop will automatically begin to transform the gossip habit.

3. Awareness: Notice when you are talking about someone who is not in the room - positive or negative. Talk to them about it, or not at all. Notice when you are judging others or yourself in your mind. Take a breath, notice what you are feeling, and change the inner subject.

4. Getting Sober: The judgment/resentment habit is hard to restrain if we are self-medicating with substances or compulsive behavior. There are so many ways we adjust our chemistry - not just drugs and alcohol. Find a support group to let go of the ways we self-medicate and maintain a chaotic life. The process involves attendance at meetings, getting a sponsor, and actively writing out the step work. Here is a list of Recovery and Trauma Resources.

5. Start Your Trauma Healing: Find a somatic therapist in your area or online. Join ACA, a 12-step group for people from dysfunctional families. Go to an intensive trauma healing weekend like The Deep Waters Experience. Here is a list of other Recovery and Trauma Resources.

6. Read the Literature: The best book on this topic is The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Also, I’ve written about the topic in Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do: A Straightforward Guide to Letting Go of Unresolved Trauma

1. Are you aware of your gossip?

2. Are you aware of others who gossip?

3. Are you aware of your self-gossip - negative self-talk?

4. What can you do to heal the fear and shame that drives gossip?

5. What are some ways you can opt out of gossip?

Letting go of the poison of gossip is a big step on the healing path. And it is the road less traveled for sure. We are invited into this trap daily.

Family gatherings are the biggest trap of all. We will probably never get this perfect, but with awareness, we can bring some maturity to our lives and the people we care about.

I’m so glad to be on this path with you. Please reply to this email with your comments.

With warmth,

Bob

P.S. Share your process of authenticity with us! We'd love to hear your stories and insights. Connect on social media (see links above and below), and please reply to this email with your comments! Your participation helps us all connect in this community. And let us know if you don’t want it published - otherwise, we sure will.

P.P.S. I need your help. The new book STOP DOING SH*T YOU DON’T WANT TO DO is out now! Get it here. Browse the book and write a great review here. And please forward these links to your peeps! We are still in the promo period and sales and reviews are extremely important to stay on the top of Amazon’s list. And, the Audiobook version is coming soon. You’ll be the first to get the promo edition. THANK YOU!!!