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Hey there
In this week’s edition:
Why we treat problems like enemies
Where the real conflict lives
Working with the shadow
How play replaces war
“Aikido practice is a method of incorporating the fundamentals of Great Harmony, Great Love, and Gratitude. To integrate these fundamentals I have to eliminate the sense of winning and losing.”
I was always looking for a fight.
And I found them regularly.
All my relationships ended in conflict.
I loved to show up with that tough exterior, because it kept me safe.
Until consequences forced me to surrender.
I’m not alone with this.
We all have our self-protective patterns.
Most of us are trained to fight our problems…
Physically or intellectually.
Fix them. Eliminate them. Push through. Win.
That approach works in limited situations, but it doesn’t work very well with life.
The harder we battle what shows up, the more exhausted we become.
The conflict just changes shape and comes back around.
In Aikido, the masters don’t meet force with force.
They receive the attack and redirect the energy.
Over time, the fight dissolves.
What’s left is movement, balance, and choice.
Where the real conflict lives
Our external problems are rarely just external.
They’re often tied to unresolved conflicts carried in the body.
When we were young, we packed away uncomfortable feelings to survive.
Anger, fear, grief.
We also made up ideas in our heads to help us cope with what felt overwhelming.
Those strategies were useful then.
They don’t age well.
They turn into patterns that keep us stuck.
Because they are lies we developed to avoid pain.
The battle continues until we’re willing to turn inward and work with a deeper, more authentic truth.
Working with the shadow
This is what Jung called shadow work.
The shadow isn’t bad.
It’s the parts of us that went underground because they weren’t welcome.
What’s hidden doesn’t go away.
It waits.
And it shows up later as anxiety, reactivity, addiction, or repeated conflict.
As we spend time with others who are willing to look inward, those parts begin to surface.
We learn how to stay present with them instead of pushing them back down.
We stop fighting ourselves.
Anger is a good example.
Many of us were taught it was dangerous.
When it’s brought forward in safe settings, it turns out to be clarifying.
It helps us set boundaries.
Grief works the same way.
When it’s allowed, it softens us.
It reconnects us to our humanity and to one another.
How play replaces war
True mastery shows up when we can see outer problems as signals rather than enemies.
They’re pointing us toward something inside that needs attention.
When that happens, the war quiets down.
Life doesn’t stop being challenging, but we stop treating every challenge like a threat.
There’s more room to move.
More curiosity.
Even moments of play, right in the middle of adversity.
That’s the long practice.
Not winning.
Not losing.
Learning how to stay in the dance.
I’ve created a free 5-day course that will help with this: Click here: Emotional Integrity 101.
Let me know if you can relate to this. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).
Surrendering,
Bob
PS. Get my free 5-day course here: Emotional Integrity 101.
PPS. The Inner Work Community will open again on February 16 and we’ll only accept 10 new members this time around. Get on the waitlist here.
Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.
PPPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience
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