Damn Me

In this week’s edition:

• I used to love to hate myself

• What our self-talk reveals

• Why positivity doesn’t work

• The child within who’s listening

• How healing changes the conversation

I was very tough on myself—constantly trying to whip myself toward I don’t know what, to please I don’t know who.

It didn’t matter what I achieved; the voice in my head always found fault.

Miss a detail? Idiot.

Forget something? Moron.

I thought this was discipline. It was actually self-abuse disguised as motivation.

It’s taken a long time to learn that the way we talk to ourselves is the way we parent the child within us.

The Experiment

Try this.

If you’re a writer and you notice a published misspelling—what do you say to yourself?

If you’re a golfer and you hit a terrible shot—what’s your internal dialogue?

When you’re under stress and make a mistake, what comes out?

These are direct clues to where healing needs to happen.

Tennis legend Andre Agassi once said that his biggest opponent wasn’t across the net—it was in his own head.

Changing his self-talk, he said, was the hardest and most important improvement of his career.

Why Positivity Doesn’t Work

Here’s the bad news: Being “positive” works for about two minutes.

It’s a fine temporary fix, but it doesn’t transform the root problem.

You can slap affirmations over old wounds, but the pain underneath will eventually resurface.

Sustainable change requires going deeper—to the emotional material underneath the words.

Those harsh messages we repeat to ourselves come from unexpressed emotions stored in the body: anger, grief, fear, shame.

And most of those emotions got lodged there when we were young.

The Origins of the Inner Critic

As children, we felt everything deeply.

But when anger, sadness, or fear weren’t welcome—or worse, punished—we learned to shut them down.

We internalized the voices of the people around us:

• The parent who yelled

• The teacher who mocked

• The coach who humiliated.

• The bully who projected shame on you.

We learned to beat ourselves before anyone else could.

That’s how shame works.

So when stress hits our nervous system now, the same words we once heard echo back.

We call ourselves names we’d never say to another human being.

My greatest hits include: “You dumb sonofabitch,” and “What an idiot.”

My brother has a sign at his lake house that says, “I’m sorry for the things I said when I was docking the boat.” 

I laugh every time, because that’s exactly how the nervous system works under pressure—the buried stuff comes out sideways.

The Child Who’s Listening

Every word we say to ourselves lands somewhere inside.

There’s a younger part of us listening to every insult.

Would you say those words to a beloved child? Of course not.

It’s uncomfortable to realize that when we attack ourselves, that’s who we’re speaking to.

This is why inner child work matters.

It’s not sentimental.

It’s survival.

The more compassion we build for that younger self, the less power the inner critic holds.

(btw, I built a free course to help you find that child within—see the link below in the PS.)

Rewriting the Dialogue

When we start to release the stored emotions—through safe, supported healing—the pressure begins to ease.

The voice softens.

We start talking to ourselves like someone we actually care about.

That’s when life changes.

We become our own ally, our own loving parent.

The part of us that’s been waiting to be heard finally exhales.

And when that happens, the mind becomes a place of peace instead of punishment.

With the right kind of support, this work opens the door to freedom in every area of life.

What are your thoughts about all this touchy feely stuff?!

Just hit reply and let me know (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Letting go of the old ways with you,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is closed for now. We’ll open enrollment again soon. In the meantime, you can start with The Inner Child Toolkit — a free 5-day course that helps you heal the patterns running your life by reconnecting with your younger self.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro!

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