Criticism

Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• Why criticism hooks us so deeply

• What’s the root of it all?

• Why "get over it" doesn't work

• What changes through healing

I've been a professional actor for 40 years.

It fills that old abandonment hole…

For a few minutes at a time.

The applause, the laughter.

Then I need another hit!

It feels good, but it doesn’t really heal.

The affirmations are fleeting; they don’t seem to stick.

But I can always spot the guy who’s falling asleep in the 23rd row.

I barely notice the great comments about me in the theatre reviews.

But I’m always extremely eager to see if the review includes any negative references.

And it’s not just in the theatre.

After many years of doing inner work, I’m still on alert for the dreaded criticism.

I love to say, “I don’t care what people think of me.”

It’s bullshit.

Here’s what I think is behind it.

Why criticism hooks us so deeply

It takes a lot of practice to stop getting hooked.

Most of us have a younger part of ourselves that's still carrying old hurts.

When we were little, things were said and done that landed deeply.

Some of those moments were obvious.

Others were so ordinary that we barely remember them.

A lot of people tell me, "But I came from a good family."

Maybe you did.

That doesn't mean you weren't hurt.

Good families still have wounded parents.

Good families still produce shame.

Good families still have moments that a child doesn't know what to do with.

What’s the root of it all?

When we're young, we don't have many options.

If we're criticized, ignored, shamed, or frightened, we don't usually say, "Mom and Dad are overwhelmed," or "My teacher is carrying a lot of pain."

We assume it's about us.

The feelings have nowhere to go, so they stay in the body.

Years later, someone makes a comment that resembles the original wound, and suddenly, we're reacting to much more than what was just said.

The criticism touched an old bruise.

Why "get over it" doesn't work

Most of us have heard the advice.

"Don't take it personally."

"Get over it."

"Forget about them."

Those words may quiet things down for a while, but they don't reach the place that's hurting.

Many of us heard those same messages as children.

We were upset, and instead of being helped with our feelings, we were encouraged to move past them as quickly as possible.

The hurt stayed.

Then another layer got added on top.

Over time, we stop trusting our own emotional experience.

What changes through healing

For those of us who eventually ask for help, the old memories begin to surface.

Sometimes anger comes first.

Sometimes blame.

That's understandable.

If we stay with the work and have good support, those emotions continue to move.

Grief eventually finds its way forward.

Something changes after enough of that old pain has been released.

The criticism that once knocked us sideways doesn't carry the same weight.

We also become more careful about who we spend our time with.

People who respect us become easier to recognize.

Some relationships naturally deepen.

Others slowly fade away.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear your experience with this topic. Just hit reply.

Also, I have a warm online community where we heal together daily. Let me know if you’d like more info.

Still healing,

Bob

PS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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