- Dr. Bob Beare's Newsletter
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- Control is delusional
Hey there
In this week’s edition:
Why control feels necessary
How childhood shapes control patterns
The hidden cost of fixing others
What happens when we let go
“You always seek to control others when you are not in full ownership of yourself.”
It never occurred to me that controlling everything was a problem.
Two things happened:
I lost my marriage
I tried to do improvisational theatre
Those of us who have had relationship problems (all of us) have had to learn about control.
It does not work for any sustainable period of time.
Those of us with childhood trauma (all of us to one degree or another) are unconsciously trying to control our emotions—and the world around us.
We must learn how to let go.
I’m a professional actor.
Many years of learning a script and expertly enacting the words and actions.
Improv is a different animal.
It mimics life.
Any improvisational art form requires learning how to let go and allow the truth to emerge.
It’s great practice for life.
Here’s a great book—maybe better than any psychology book you’ll ever read:
Why control feels necessary
Very few of us think of ourselves as controlling.
Most of us are.
Trying to manage our outside world is a common human response to discomfort.
We want certainty.
We want predictability.
We want relief from the tension we feel inside.
The problem is that most of these control strategies operate outside of our awareness.
We think we're managing circumstances when we're really trying to manage our feelings.
How childhood shapes control patterns
Our relationship with control usually starts early.
If we were left alone physically or emotionally, we may become highly focused on managing people and relationships.
The fear of abandonment sits just below the surface.
If we were smothered, control can show up through distance and avoidance.
If we grew up around addiction or chaos, unpredictability becomes deeply uncomfortable.
We feel compelled to intervene, organize, advise, correct, or leave. Anything to relieve the tension.
If emotions weren't welcome in our family, we often develop a need to fix other people's sadness, anger, or fear.
Their feelings activate our own unresolved feelings.
There were constant arguments in my childhood.
I became a chronic people pleaser.
I thought keeping everyone happy would prevent conflict.
I thought if I said the right thing, did the right thing, and anticipated everyone's needs, things would settle down.
It never worked.
In fact, it created more tension because nobody was dealing with what was actually happening.
Many of us control freaks see ourselves as caring people.
We're always helping, advising, suggesting, teaching, rescuing.
Sometimes we are helping.
Sometimes we're interfering with someone else's growth because we're uncomfortable watching them struggle.
This shows up everywhere, especially in parenting.
We push.
Guide.
Correct.
Improve.
We forget that people need room to discover things for themselves.
What happens when we let go
Control is powerful because it changes our chemistry.
It gives temporary relief.
That's why it becomes habitual.
The challenge is that we can't simply decide to stop controlling.
The pattern is usually connected to old wounds that need attention.
For me, it took some major losses before I was willing to get help.
For many of us, the wake-up call comes when we finally see that all the managing, fixing, pleasing, and controlling hasn't brought the peace we were looking for.
With support, we start bringing these patterns into the light.
We begin feeling the grief, fear, shame, and anger underneath them.
As those emotions move, something softens.
We become less reactive. Less urgent. More willing to let people have their own experience.
Life keeps unfolding. People keep doing what people do.
And somehow, without trying so hard to manage everything, we find ourselves with a lot more peace.
Letting go,
Bob
PS. The Inner Work Community is opening soon. Find out more here.
PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.
PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience
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